Tag Archives: marriage tips

5 Reasons to Affirm Your Spouse

confident woman morguefile

A leadership blog by Michael Hyatt shared why speaking well of our spouses in public is key. He shared two personal examples of leaders he knew. One (a pastor) frequently made disparaging, although sometimes humorous or kidding, remarks about his spouse, while the other spoke only positively and affectionately. You can guess which one ended in affairs and divorce, and which one survived 60 years and counting.

Isn’t it easy to share when our spouse does something wrong or makes a mistake? Our brain naturally focuses on the negative. On the other hand, praising one’s spouse in public is rare, but effective for 5 reasons, he says.

  1. You get more of what you affirm—notice the good stuff, reinforce that behavior, and get more of what you appreciate.
  2. Affirmation shifts your attitude—most people align their words with their attitudes, helping them feel more positively about their spouse as they speak well of him/her.
  3. Affirmation strengthens their best qualities—your spouse can perceive areas in which he or she is being praised or appreciated, helping them realize and increase their areas of strength.
  4. Affirmation wards off temptation—as you speak well of your spouse, others recognize you are happily married. It’s “like a hedge that protects your marriage from would-be predators. It will keep you out of compromising positions. Talk about your spouse publicly, positively, and often. It’s adultery repellent,” says Hyatt.
  5. Affirmation provides a model for those around you—at work and in your community, you are modeling how to speak well of your spouse. For those in leadership positions, it’s a demonstration of how you treat the people you value most.

Examples of what you may want to praise in public are character attributes (kindness, generosity, hard-working) or actions (he really came through when I needed a hand today). Some people I know just have a way of referring to their spouse (my beautiful bride) that lets others know their feelings up front.

Give affirmation a try today, then make it a daily habit.

Lori Lowe has been married to her husband, Ming, for 20 years. She is the author of First Kiss to Lasting Bliss: Hope & Inspiration for Your Marriage. It tells the inspiring, true stories of couples who used adversity to improve their marriages–from overcoming drug addiction to cancer, infidelity, religious differences, and infertility, among many others. It’s available at Amazon.com and in various e-book formats here.

Photo courtesy of Morguefile.com.

Spouses need to feel their partner “gets” them

couple talking morguefileWhen having a fight, couples who can still see where their partner is coming from bounce back better after the fight, and view the fight as a “healthy one.” Bottom line:  we need to feel that our partner “gets us” even when we are not in agreement.

Researchers at the University of California, Berkeley, conducted experiments with 85 people in relationships and studied the couples’ arguments, as well as how happy they were in the relationship and whether they felt their partner understood them. When couples did not feel understood by their partner, they felt less satisfied with the relationship after a fight, and visa versa.

But partners didn’t have to be completely understood, they had to feel understood. The key was whether their partner expressed empathy with their position.

To say it differently, whether you agree or not isn’t the issue. Expressing empathy and understanding is. If you want your partner to feel happy with your relationship, it’s important to convey that you still appreciate your partner and where they are coming from, regardless of whether you agree.

“Feeling understood, regardless of whether it’s grounded in reality, can be enormously good for general well-being,” said researcher Serena Chen. “Conveying that you understand but don’t agree can go a long way. We know this, but we don’t often do it.”

Expressing empathy is not pretending to agree. Instead, partners who vocalize empathy are bridging the divide, avoiding accusatory “you” statements, and helping the other person feel their views are valued.

“I get you,” is the message we need to convey, even in a fight.

Next time you disagree on politics, chores, or anything else, see if you can take the time to let you partner know you hear what they are saying, and that you “get” them.

 

Lori Lowe has been married to her husband, Ming, for 20 years. She is the author of First Kiss to Lasting Bliss: Hope & Inspiration for Your Marriage. It tells the inspiring, true stories of couples who used adversity to improve their marriages–from overcoming drug addiction to cancer, infidelity, religious differences, and infertility, among many others. It’s available at Amazon.com and in various e-book formats here.

Photo courtesy of Morguefile.com.

Are you guilty of these common spouse complaints?

sleeping manThe three most frequent marriage complaints from husbands who are in marriage counseling, according to several surveyed psychotherapists include:

  1. My wife expects me to be a mind reader.
  2. Late night arguments are getting out of hand.
  3. My wife doesn’t appreciate me.

As a wife, I’m often guilty of thinking my husband should know what I want after 20 years of marriage. Wives may expect their husbands to know how they are feeling or thinking. If he guesses wrong, he’s the bad guy. Wives need to learn to directly express themselves or realize their cues may be misinterpreted. And husbands should ask their spouse to speak more clearly what she wants.

For anyone who has to get up early, having a spouse bring up a conflict just before going to sleep is a problem, particularly if it happens frequently or drags on. According to the therapists, men often find this late night discussion the least appealing time. Wives, on the other hand, may feel they can’t sleep without addressing the problem. Their advice is to schedule 10 minutes after work or right after dinner to talk so you can both give the time and energy needed.

Third, men in counseling often say they are fairly low on their wife’s priority list. In addition, they don’t hear words of appreciation as often as they need. Some wives think expressing gratitude may keep their husband from doing more to please them, but men are often energized by feeling appreciated. (They may want to help you more if you say thank you.)

A few of the top concerns that women vocalize to their marriage counselors include:

  1. My husband criticizes me.
  2. I feel a lack of fairness in our marriage.
  3. We have too much personality conflict.

The not-so-funny joke is … if you want to kill your marriage, have an affair, but if you want it to bleed to death slowly by a thousand cuts, use criticism. Rather than bringing about desired change, critical words can make us defensive or angry. Asking nicely for something is different than complaining that it is “never” done right. Name calling is a definite no-no under this category, as is any language that suggests your wife is less than smart. (This is not obvious to some men.)

Issues of fairness for wives often deal with the division of household labor and childcare. They may also involve how money and free time are spent, especially where vacations or holidays are spent. Do you take turns deciding on vacations or holidays, or does one person choose? All of these factors contribute to how valued one feels in the relationship.

Personality conflict is something all marriages have to some degree, even all people who live in close quarters. You like it warm; your spouse likes it cool. You like to socialize and entertain; your spouse likes to have a quiet night at home. You like to staycation; your spouse wants to travel the world. It’s more than fine that you are different from your spouse. Marriage is an adventure that requires compromise, communication, and growth.

For more insight read How can married couples overcome gridlock.

Sources: Guystuffcounseling.com and Huffingtonpost.com.

Visit: heraspiration.com for relationship advice for women.

Lori Lowe has been married to her husband, Ming, for 20 years. She is the author of First Kiss to Lasting Bliss: Hope & Inspiration for Your Marriage. It tells the inspiring, true stories of couples who used adversity to improve their marriages–from overcoming drug addiction to cancer, infidelity, religious differences, and infertility, among many others. It’s available at Amazon.com and in various e-book formats here.

Photo courtesy of Morguefile.com.

3 Tips To Help Children Adjust To Conflict In Marriage

Thanks to Lifestar Therapy for this guest post:

sad boy morguefileParents want to keep their children protected and will do everything to ensure children feel safe and secure. However, even the best of marriages can hit a rough patch and leave children wondering if this is their fault.

Help your kids through this time by providing stability, routine, and being there to answer their questions.

During difficult times, children feel more secure when they know what is going on and what to expect. Take some time to talk with your children (in an age appropriate way) about the situation and remember these 3 things:

1. Keep nasty comments about your spouse to yourself. When you’re angry, speaking negatively about your spouse can be tempting. However, it’s important to keep your opinions to yourself, especially in front of your children. If the situation between you and your spouse escalates, you need to have a clear understanding that defaming each other is not acceptable. In-laws and other relatives should also be warned these slanders against a parent is not allowed.

2. Put yourself in their shoes. Remember what you needed or wanted from your parents when you were 6 or 9 or 12, even 16? By remembering to look at things from their perspective, you can help your children adjust to the situation. If you have more than one child, use this exercise for each one to better understand their individual needs to deal with the changes.

3. Be prepared to answer their questions. Change is never easy, and for children it can be even harder. Let them ask questions and keep the communication lines open so they feel important, and that you’re always available. Also, be aware of responses like, “I’m fine,” “I’m not interested,” or “I don’t care,” as this might not be the case.

If you have questions or what to know what else you can do to help your children cope during this time, a therapist can help to answer your questions and concerns.

About the Author: Danielle Adams is a freelance writer who works with Lifestar Therapy. She is committed to helping people practice open communication and build healthy relationships.

 

Will men helping with chores lead to more action in bedroom?

vacuum morguefileResearch shows that when men do their share of the chores, divorce rates are lower, their partners are happier and less depressed, the relationship has fewer conflicts, and they tend to have more sex. The last point seems to be the most written about, as in “help with the laundry to get more sex.” More on that in a bit.

Being an active, involved father has its own share of benefits, both for men and their children. Participating in childcare helps to make Dads more patient and empathic, and it reduces rates of substance abuse in men. Fatherhood is correlated with lower blood pressure and less cardiovascular disease. Active fathers in Fortune 500 companies have higher job satisfaction. (See NYT article below.)

Benefits to children of involved fathers are numerous: fewer behavioral problems, more likely to succeed, happier kids. Dads who do an equal share of housework demonstrate to daughters that they shouldn’t limit themselves to stereotypically female jobs. “For a girl to see that she has the same opportunities as boys, it makes a big difference to see Dad doing the dishes,” say Sheryl Sandberg and Adam Grant in the New York Times article “How men can succeed in the boardroom and the bedroom.”

With all these advantages, it’s a wonder that husbands everywhere aren’t tripping over themselves to load the dishwasher and vacuum the family room. However, it’s the talk of “choreplay” that leads some women feeling a little less than, umm, satisfied.

The latest high-profile conversations are telling men that helping out in the kitchen will lead to greater action in the bedroom. And maybe it will. But probably not if they are looking at it in a quid-pro-quo fashion.

Jessica Valenti explains the rub in her article “Women don’t need ‘choreplay’. They need men to do some chores.” She explains,” My husband does not do laundry because he wants to have sex. He does the laundry for the same reason I imagine most people do: because the clothes are dirty.”

Men should be involved in the home and promoting domestic equality because it’s the right thing to do—not as an incentive for sex, she explains. While the laundry-for-sex campaign is meant to be cute, Valenti says “in a culture where men are already taught to feel entitled to women sexually, I don’t find it cute in the least.” In addition, it creates a transactional view of sex within the relationship. (Should women also provide sex for new furniture?) It also communicates that the responsibility for all the chores was on the woman in the first place.

The truth about what women want is closer to this: women don’t want to be so exhausted with work and home responsibilities that they no longer have energy for sex. They are turned on by loving men who view them as equals and want to be helpful at home and supportive of their efforts outside the home.

So, yeah, husbands should help in the kitchen. But not as an exchange for sex in the bedroom. Helping with the kids and in the home is the responsibility of both partners. Men who do their share of chores will have happier wives, fewer conflicts, lower rates of divorce, and yeah, probably more sex. Go forth and vacuum.

Lori Lowe has been married to her husband, Ming, for 19 years. She is the author of First Kiss to Lasting Bliss: Hope & Inspiration for Your Marriage. It tells the inspiring, true stories of couples who used adversity to improve their marriages–from overcoming drug addiction to cancer, infidelity, religious differences, and infertility, among many others. It’s available at Amazon.com and in various e-book formats here.

Photo courtesy of Morguefile.com.

Is Marital Harmony Possible with High-Achieving Spouse?

The Love FightA new book called “The Love Fight” tackles the unique challenges of high-achieving individuals who are often married to relationship-oriented “connectors”. This Achiever/Connector marriage is at high risk of failure, because the partners may become codependent (unhealthy) rather than interdependent (the ideal).

The co-authors both fall into the category of high achievers who struggled to be emotionally present, and they aim to share their lessons. One important lesson they teach is not to measure success merely by professional achievements. More importantly, they encourage Achievers to also measure the success of their relationships.

Co-authors psychiatrist Tony Ferretti and practicing physician Peter Weiss, M.D., were both driven, high-achieving married men who weren’t always aware of how they put their jobs above their families and relied too heavily on their wives to maintain family relationships. However, they learned to create more fulfilling marriages and greater life balance.

The authors write to both the connectors and the high achievers with stories and examples from their own practices. They challenge the reader to view their perpetual issues with a new perspective. For instance, a spouse who provides well for his or her family may feel they don’t need to contribute as much emotionally, but would be wrong. Equally wrong would be a spouse who has not insisted that their partner grow up and be responsible for their own relationships, thereby enabling irresponsibility.

Often the high-achieving spouse thrives on the praise and appreciation he or she receives in the workplace. The supportive spouse may initially be attracted by these skills, but without regular marital connection, these constant work demands can cause resentment. Both spouses need to fully appreciate their partner’s talents and contributions. And both spouses need to prioritize the marriage and family.

The book goes on to explain characteristics and tendencies of Achievers and Connectors and how to help these couples make the best of their marriages. They explain how to change if unsuccessful patterns or resentments have come up. And they encourage couples that they can in fact change their marital destiny if they do the hard work that may be needed.

If you or a friend finds yourself in an Achiever/Connector marriage, and you hope to improve the trust, intimacy, and connection in the marriage, “The Love Fight” may help you see things in a new light.

Please note I receive no compensation for this review. The Love Fight can be found at Amazon or other retailers.

Lori Lowe has been married to her husband, Ming, for 19 years. She is the author of First Kiss to Lasting Bliss: Hope & Inspiration for Your Marriage. It tells the inspiring, true stories of couples who used adversity to improve their marriages–from overcoming drug addiction to cancer, infidelity, religious differences, and infertility, among many others. It’s available at Amazon.com and in various e-book formats here.

This one thing will improve your marriage in 2015

angry-woman morguefileDid you ever notice that TV shows feature the clever wife rescuing the absentminded, not-so-bright husband? To do the opposite would be politically incorrect, but somehow it’s cool to crush on the guys for their ineptitude. They just never seem to do things the way we would.

Unfortunately, this cultural tendency has probably creeped its way into many homes with wives/moms showing our men “how it’s done” when it comes to caring for kids and the home. (There is a right way to fold the towels and load the dishwasher, after all.) That’s why this article called “I wasn’t treating my husband fairly” should be an aha-moment for many of us wives. Check it out; it’s worth the read. In a moment of clarity, this wife realized that a husband bringing home the wrong kind of hamburger was not a great enough sin to deserve her long diatribe. She began to realize that she criticized so many areas that were not critical to the family’s success, and didn’t often notice all the things he was doing right (changing the oil, fixing the computer, being a great dad). It was a hamburger moment to remember.

While nagging and criticizing may be more often female territory, it can easily go both ways. Think about it, when your spouse goes the the store and brings home the wrong brand, are you mad about the mistake or thankful you didn’t have to go to the grocery? If your spouse handles the kids differently, is that a problem or just a difference of opinion? Remember that most men value respect very highly, and criticism can make them feel less respected.

My husband will tell you I’m a little controlling about which cutting boards are used for what purposes (meat vs. veggies) as well as what laundry items are hung versus put in the dryer. We all have our hang-ups! This year, make sure you express gratitude more than nagging. Watch out for over-the-top, unnecessary criticism.

Look for your hamburger moment of clarity. Then turn it around.

Lori Lowe has been married to her husband, Ming, for 19 years. She is the author of First Kiss to Lasting Bliss: Hope & Inspiration for Your Marriage. It tells the inspiring, true stories of couples who used adversity to improve their marriages–from overcoming drug addiction to cancer, infidelity, religious differences, and infertility, among many others. It’s available at Amazon.com and in various e-book formats here.

Photo courtesy of morguefile.com.