Tag Archives: marriage conflict

Are you guilty of these common spouse complaints?

sleeping manThe three most frequent marriage complaints from husbands who are in marriage counseling, according to several surveyed psychotherapists include:

  1. My wife expects me to be a mind reader.
  2. Late night arguments are getting out of hand.
  3. My wife doesn’t appreciate me.

As a wife, I’m often guilty of thinking my husband should know what I want after 20 years of marriage. Wives may expect their husbands to know how they are feeling or thinking. If he guesses wrong, he’s the bad guy. Wives need to learn to directly express themselves or realize their cues may be misinterpreted. And husbands should ask their spouse to speak more clearly what she wants.

For anyone who has to get up early, having a spouse bring up a conflict just before going to sleep is a problem, particularly if it happens frequently or drags on. According to the therapists, men often find this late night discussion the least appealing time. Wives, on the other hand, may feel they can’t sleep without addressing the problem. Their advice is to schedule 10 minutes after work or right after dinner to talk so you can both give the time and energy needed.

Third, men in counseling often say they are fairly low on their wife’s priority list. In addition, they don’t hear words of appreciation as often as they need. Some wives think expressing gratitude may keep their husband from doing more to please them, but men are often energized by feeling appreciated. (They may want to help you more if you say thank you.)

A few of the top concerns that women vocalize to their marriage counselors include:

  1. My husband criticizes me.
  2. I feel a lack of fairness in our marriage.
  3. We have too much personality conflict.

The not-so-funny joke is … if you want to kill your marriage, have an affair, but if you want it to bleed to death slowly by a thousand cuts, use criticism. Rather than bringing about desired change, critical words can make us defensive or angry. Asking nicely for something is different than complaining that it is “never” done right. Name calling is a definite no-no under this category, as is any language that suggests your wife is less than smart. (This is not obvious to some men.)

Issues of fairness for wives often deal with the division of household labor and childcare. They may also involve how money and free time are spent, especially where vacations or holidays are spent. Do you take turns deciding on vacations or holidays, or does one person choose? All of these factors contribute to how valued one feels in the relationship.

Personality conflict is something all marriages have to some degree, even all people who live in close quarters. You like it warm; your spouse likes it cool. You like to socialize and entertain; your spouse likes to have a quiet night at home. You like to staycation; your spouse wants to travel the world. It’s more than fine that you are different from your spouse. Marriage is an adventure that requires compromise, communication, and growth.

For more insight read How can married couples overcome gridlock.

Sources: Guystuffcounseling.com and Huffingtonpost.com.

Visit: heraspiration.com for relationship advice for women.

Lori Lowe has been married to her husband, Ming, for 20 years. She is the author of First Kiss to Lasting Bliss: Hope & Inspiration for Your Marriage. It tells the inspiring, true stories of couples who used adversity to improve their marriages–from overcoming drug addiction to cancer, infidelity, religious differences, and infertility, among many others. It’s available at Amazon.com and in various e-book formats here.

Photo courtesy of Morguefile.com.

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3 Tips To Help Children Adjust To Conflict In Marriage

Thanks to Lifestar Therapy for this guest post:

sad boy morguefileParents want to keep their children protected and will do everything to ensure children feel safe and secure. However, even the best of marriages can hit a rough patch and leave children wondering if this is their fault.

Help your kids through this time by providing stability, routine, and being there to answer their questions.

During difficult times, children feel more secure when they know what is going on and what to expect. Take some time to talk with your children (in an age appropriate way) about the situation and remember these 3 things:

1. Keep nasty comments about your spouse to yourself. When you’re angry, speaking negatively about your spouse can be tempting. However, it’s important to keep your opinions to yourself, especially in front of your children. If the situation between you and your spouse escalates, you need to have a clear understanding that defaming each other is not acceptable. In-laws and other relatives should also be warned these slanders against a parent is not allowed.

2. Put yourself in their shoes. Remember what you needed or wanted from your parents when you were 6 or 9 or 12, even 16? By remembering to look at things from their perspective, you can help your children adjust to the situation. If you have more than one child, use this exercise for each one to better understand their individual needs to deal with the changes.

3. Be prepared to answer their questions. Change is never easy, and for children it can be even harder. Let them ask questions and keep the communication lines open so they feel important, and that you’re always available. Also, be aware of responses like, “I’m fine,” “I’m not interested,” or “I don’t care,” as this might not be the case.

If you have questions or what to know what else you can do to help your children cope during this time, a therapist can help to answer your questions and concerns.

About the Author: Danielle Adams is a freelance writer who works with Lifestar Therapy. She is committed to helping people practice open communication and build healthy relationships.

 

Splitting Chores 50-50 with Spouse is Recipe for Disaster

I used to have married neighbors who carefully listed all their chores and divided them as equally as possible, fifty/fifty split, even though one worked full time and the other was a stay-at-home parent. Each frequently felt they were doing more than their share, and they frequently revised those lists. Perhaps this contributed to their later divorce. There is a better way.

The authors of the book Spousonomics say “there are great rewards to be had from trading smartly and great wastes of time and energy from trying to do everything yourself, or even from splitting things in half.” Think of your marriage as a business comprising two trading partners who exchange services, for example the completion of chores, they suggest.

Co-authors Jenny Anderson and Paula Szuchman recommend using the theory of Comparative Advantage, which says it’s not efficient for you to take on every single task you’re good at, only those tasks you’re relatively better at compared with other tasks. If you think of a well-run corporation, each person within the business has a specialty. The organization works more efficiently when everyone does what they are best at, even if they are capable of doing other things.

Couples who force the fifty/fifty division of chores, without regard to what each person is best at and enjoys most, lack specialties. They also tend to argue more about who is doing what and whose turn it is to take on a certain job. Life becomes about deciding what is “fair”. Other couples miscalculate their comparative advantages, perhaps insisting that the husband always walks the dog and mows the lawn when the wife is better suited to these jobs and enjoys them more.

Modern marriage has changed roles so dramatically that every task is debatable—who will do the laundry, care for the children, pay the bills, and wash the dishes. A 2007 Pew Research Center study asked couples “What makes marriage work?” The answers were 1) faithfulness 2) sex and 3) sharing household chores.  Two years later, the Boston Consulting Group asked what couples argue most about. This time money was number one, followed by household chores. Clearly, these seemingly unimportant decisions about chores can become important issues in the marriage.

The authors provided a number of case studies to play out the problems and solutions. They used economic lessons about how countries make products they are most suited to produce and then trade then rather than each country attempting to produce all their own products. They do that based on what they are best and fastest at making, at the lowest cost.

For couples deciding how to divide the work load, determine who is best and fastest at various tasks, taking into consideration what they enjoy doing most. For example, if the woman is better and faster at tidying the house and doing the dishes, those should be her jobs. If he is better and faster at doing the laundry and mowing the yard, those should be his jobs. The couple together can save significant amounts of time by assigning the person who does the task most efficiently. This is time that would be forever lost if they focused instead on what was “most fair”. Instead, they can use this time for fun and leisure.

Long ago, I determined I was best at doing the laundry and keeping the house tidy. My husband is much better at mowing the lawn, maintaining the home and the cars. We both do the cooking. It seems we determined our comparative advantage without realizing we were doing it.

Do you and your spouse argue about doing the dishes, cooking, cleaning or laundry? Is it time to do a serious analysis of your comparative advantages? How do you divide household chores?