Tag Archives: Hot Monogamy

The Most Sexually Satisfied City in the U.S.

I was as suprised as the next person when Men’s Health recently revealed the number-one sexually satisfied city in the U.S. Take a guess. I thought L.A.? New York? San Fancisco? Think Midwest, folks.

My own hometown of Indianapolis, Indiana, received the high honors, followed by Columbus, Ohio; Fort Wayne, Indiana; Cincinatti, Ohio; and Salt Lake City, Utah. Six of the top 10 slots were in the Midwest. Men’s Health says, “Just that the stretch of I-74 linking Indianapolis to fourth-place Cincinnati should hereafter be known as America’s Sex Drive.”

I’d love to hear your response to this survey. Do you think it’s accurate? And if so, why do you think Midwesterners are more “active”? Is it perhaps less competition for entertainment? The cold weather keeping us indoors? In any case, I think it’s a great opportunity to remind one another that you don’t have to live in an exotic city or look like movie stars to have a satisying sex life.

So, what is the key? I shared this as a guest post a while back, but wanted to add as a resource here…Find the Key to a Passionate Sex Life

A common complaint for long-term married couples is boredom in the bedroom. Yes, new love can be titillating, but having only one monogamous partner doesn’t mean your sex life shouldn’t be entirely fulfilling. In fact, allowing one partner to fully know your sexual needs, preferences and wishes can be ultimately much more fulfilling than having multiple partners. In the book Hot Monogamy—which lives up to its promise of offering “essential steps to more passionate, intimate lovemaking”—author Dr. Patricia Love gives some simple-to implement tips.

  1. Deepen your emotional intimacy. Be honest. Be vulnerable. Be personal. Be real. Sex is never boring when you are intimately connected.
  2. Vary the amount of time you set aside for sex. Sometimes a quickie is just right, especially when it results from spontaneous desire. Often, the routine half-hour, before-bed lovemaking session is perfectly fine. These standbys are necessary with the busy schedules most of us have.
  3. Take your time. Sometimes—perhaps once a month—try to set aside time for a leisurely time period (maybe an hour or more) during which you can share massages, creative sensuality, sharing of fantasies, or slowly pleasing one another. Dr. Love suggests adding 12 leisurely lovemaking sessions each year could improve your sex life more than most any other change. Once a month sounds fairly doable, don’t you think?
  4. Get comfortable talking about sex with your spouse. The willingness to talk about sex, your desires, what you want and don’t want from your lover is critical to your sexual satisfaction. “More than any other factor, your ability to talk freely and honestly about sex is the key to a passionate sex life,” says Dr. Love.
  5. Improve your body image. Accept yourself just as you are. If a low body image is keeping you from fully participating in or enjoying sex, talk about your insecurities with your spouse. Work to build confidence, which is sexy in any body. Read Loving a Woman’s Body for feedback from other couples. Dr. Love provides some very specific tips to overcome low body image in Hot Monogamy.
  6. Understand that differences in sexual desire do not mean your partner is rejecting you. Most couples have one more highly sexed partner (generally the man), and higher testosterone levels are one important reason. Compromise and communication help overcome these differences.
  7. Add romance to your daily life, particularly if you want your partner to become more interested in sexual intimacy.  If you don’t know how to do that, simply ask your wife or husband for his or her top 10 suggestions! She or he will be more than happy to share.

Boredom outside of the bedroom can be just as deadly. Research shows conflict isn’t the only cause of divorce; boredom can kill a marriage. Being bored reduces closeness and slowly decreases marital satisfaction. Find shared fun activities and new adventures to keep your relationship exciting.

Ask your spouse what one thing she or he would like to improve about your sex life, or take the quiz in Hot Monogamy together to find specific areas of improvement.

Photo © Leticia Wilson/PhotoXpress.com

6 Tips to Improve Your Body Image

In Do You Have a Low Body Image? we talked about why women seem to struggle with our bodies while men confidently walk half naked on the beach. We also discussed why a low body image negatively affects your marriage and sex life. As promised, following are 6 tips gleaned from Dr. Patricia Love’s Hot Monogamy and my own experience for improving a low body image:

1. If you’re careless about your appearance—wear mostly sweats and a ponytail, baggy pjs to bed and don’t take the time to get your haircut and groom yourself, you may be communicating to your spouse and yourself that you aren’t worthy of the effort to look good. Make the most of what you’ve got; wear clothes that accentuate your positive attributes and make you feel good about yourself. Invest in a nice haircut. Get a massage if it makes you feel good.

2. If you’re obsessive about your appearance and spend hours each week at the tanning salon, hair salon and making sure your hair and makeup are perfect, it’s time to pull away from that focus on your appearance. What do your friends like about you? What does your spouse appreciate and enjoy about you? Focus on those attributes and spend your energy elsewhere. Spend energy on activities you enjoy.

3. Make fitness and healthy a part of your daily life. I feel better about my body when I’m exercising a few times a week. It may not change my body that much, but it shapes my frame of mind that I’m strong and capable, and I think we project that positive energy to others. Taking the time to plan and implement a fairly healthy diet for yourself and your family also shows you and they are worthwhile.

4. If your spouse has a lower-than-ideal body image, there are ways you can help. First, don’t point out your spouse’s faults, even if you think they need to lose weight or get in shape. Criticism about their body will only make them feel worse and probably won’t lead to any positive change. Instead, send out a continual message of acceptance. Support a healthy lifestyle yourself, and invite your spouse to participate with you. Compliment your partner on physical attributes you find attractive, and regularly share other characteristics you enjoy about him or her.

5. Visualize Body Acceptance. For many women, a healthy body image is not a matter of their appearance at all, it’s a matter of their perception of their appearance. Dr. Love has a long script in her book that includes language you repeat to yourself allowing you to become comfortable with your body and appreciative of its function and beauty just as it is. She also suggests viewing your body in the mirror while thinking positive thoughts about it. “This is my body. I love my body.” Repeating these exercises replaces some of the negative self-talk you may have been feeding yourself. I’ve heard women casually say, “Well, I’m a fat cow, so…” If you heard these comments from someone else, you would call them hurtful. They are still hurtful coming from you. Replace negative thoughts with positive ones like “I”m getting stronger.”

6. Don’t compare your body to others. Instead, think of all the things your body can do—dance, swim, jog, give birth, nurse children, walk through the woods, lie on the beach. Think of how much joy it gives your spouse. Think of all the older people who would trade places with your healthy body in a heartbeat. Listen to your husband when he compliments you. Repeat the compliment in your head, smile, and say thank you. See Loving a Woman’s Body for insight into how your man views you. Some husbands expressed their frustration at not being able to convey to their wives that they love their shape.

The key is loving your body the way it is right now, not after you lose 10 pounds and fit into your skinny jeans. Not after you’ve had plastic surgery to correct your “flaws.” Today. Just as you are.

For your homework assignment, write “I love my body” on a sticky note for your bathroom mirror. Compliment yourself while you get ready in the morning. Carry yourself with poise and exude confidence.

Banishing Boredom from the Bedroom

Today I’ve had the awesome opportunity of posting a guest column for Alisa Bowman at ProjectHappilyEverAfter.com. Alisa is a talented published writer who has shared honestly and openly about her challenging marital journey from desperation to happiness. The post is about keeping that spark alive in the marriage bedroom–now, who couldn’t use a little more pizzazz in that area?

Find the Key to a Passionate Sex Life

A common complaint for long-term married couples is boredom in the bedroom. Yes, new love can be titillating, but having only one monogamous partner doesn’t mean your sex life shouldn’t be entirely fulfilling. In fact, allowing one partner to fully know your sexual needs, preferences and wishes can be ultimately much more fulfilling than having multiple partners. In the book Hot Monogamy—which lives up to its promise of offering “essential steps to more passionate, intimate lovemaking”—author Dr. Patricia Love gives some simple-to implement tips.

  1. Deepen your emotional intimacy.Be honest. Be vulnerable. Be personal. Be real. Sex is never boring when you are intimately connected.
  2. Vary the amount of time you set aside for sex.Sometimes a quickie is just right, especially when it results from spontaneous desire. Often, the routine half-hour, before-bed lovemaking session is perfectly fine. These standbys are necessary with the busy schedules most of us have.
  3. Take your time.Sometimes—perhaps once a month—try to set aside time for a leisurely time period (maybe an hour or more) during which you can share massages, creative sensuality, sharing of fantasies, or slowly pleasing one another. Dr. Love suggests adding 12 leisurely lovemaking sessions each year could improve your sex life more than most any other change. Once a month sounds fairly doable, don’t you think?
  4. Get comfortable talking about sex with your spouse.The willingness to talk about sex, your desires, what you want and don’t want from your lover is critical to your sexual satisfaction. “More than any other factor, your ability to talk freely and honestly about sex is the key to a passionate sex life,” says Dr. Love.
  5. Improve your body image. Accept yourself just as you are. If a low body image is keeping you from fully participating in or enjoying sex, talk about your insecurities with your spouse. Work to build confidence, which is sexy in any body. Read Loving a Woman’s Body for feedback from other couples. Dr. Love provides some very specific tips to overcome low body image in Hot Monogamy.
  6. Understand that differences in sexual desire do not mean your partner is rejecting you. Most couples have one more highly sexed partner (generally the man), and higher testosterone levels are one important reason. Compromise and communication help overcome these differences.
  7. Add romance to your daily life, particularly if you want your partner to become more interested in sexual intimacy.  If you don’t know how to do that, simply ask your wife or husband for his or her top 10 suggestions! She or he will be more than happy to share.

Boredom outside of the bedroom can be just as deadly. Research shows conflict isn’t the only cause of divorce; boredom can kill a marriage. Being bored reduces closeness and slowly decreases marital satisfaction. Find shared fun activities and new adventures to keep your relationship exciting.

Ask your spouse what one thing she or he would like to improve about your sex life, or take the quiz in Hot Monogamy together to find specific areas of improvement.