Tag Archives: better relationship

How Important is Love to Happiness?

Four in five adults of all ages rate love as important to their happiness. And it turns out those in loving relationships do enjoy greater wellbeing than those who are single. (This despite our culture glorifying the endless positives of remaining unattached.) Fewer than 25 percent of unmarried adults say they are “very happy” but 40 percent of married adults say they are.

David Myers, PhD, in The Pursuit of Happiness, cites the above research and says even more important than being married is the marriage’s quality.  While women suffer more emotional disturbances in a stressed marriage than do their husbands, wives also report slightly greater happiness across all marriages. Researchers suspect this is because women find more joy in positive, close relationships than men do.

Further, most married people say their marriages are happy. Myers says three out of four in the U.S. say their spouse is their best friend. (This seems high to me, but I’d agree with it in my marriage.) And this relationship happiness carries over into their overall life happiness.

Why are married people happier? Marriage is likely to provide an enduring supportive relationship, and married people are less likely to suffer loneliness. Those who parent together may experience additional stresses, yet also receive additional rewards from their roles as parents.

While I completely agree that my marriage has made me a happier person, I also strongly believe that we as individuals control most of our happiness. When we are happy on our own, that happiness tends to bleed into our relationship. We’re more interesting to be with, more supportive and more engaging when we have a life we enjoy.

A National Opinion Research Center study found that nearly six in ten Americans who rate their marriage as very happy also rate their life as very happy.  And among those NOT in a happy marriage, only one in ten say their overall life is very happy. A bad marriage is worse than no marriage, and loneliness within marriage can be the loneliest feeling of all.

 When we are unhappy as individuals, we tend to project on our partners that they aren’t supportive enough or don’t understand our needs. But the truth may be that we are in a life transition, or have lost a loved one, or in one way or another are struggling with our life or identity. Our marriage or spouse shouldn’t have the burden of “making us happy”. Instead, we can enrich and enjoy our lives more fully because of the close, intimate relationship we share.

If you think you are unhappy in your relationship, consider that you may need to make improvements in your own individual life to improve happiness. For example, a person who feels overworked and underappreciated in their job may bring those feelings into their home and feel taken advantage of across the board.

Myers says to avoid two mistakes in thinking if you aim to have a happy marriage. First, even if you’re newlyweds, don’t take a successful marriage for granted. “Unless nurtured carefully, the relationship you counted on for love and happiness may leave you crushed, lonely, feeling like a failure, or trudging hopelessly along, resigned to your despair.” (Ouch.) Conversely, don’t be overly pessimistic saying marriages seldom last, so why should I commit, invest and work on my marriage? A positive attitude channeled by a wariness of real dangers offers the best chance at a happy relationship, he concludes.

So, is this a chicken and the egg question? “Which comes first personal or marital happiness?” I think they feed on each other, but the personal happiness ideally comes first. What do you think?

Photo courtesy of PhotoXpress.com

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Detecting a Virus in Your Marriage

Last weekend, my computer succumbed to a nasty virus picked up at a rogue recipe web site. (That’s what I get for baking.) When the fake security pop-up appeared, I immediately knew I was in trouble, but it was too late. The more I tried to rid myself of it, the worse the problem became, as the virus duplicated itself and became more entrenched. I disconnected the tower and gave it to a professional, because winning the war against the evil virus developers (and they are evil) wasn’t as critical as preserving what was important to me.

Wouldn’t it be nice if we received blatant pop-ups in our lives every time our marriage faced risk? Sometimes one or both partners is sadly unaware of the drifting that is going on in a marriage. One of them is surprised months or years later to be served with divorce papers. The fact is, if we’re not working to improve our marriages, we are all drifting southward.

It might help if warning lights blared over our heads when we were in trouble; for example:

  • When we haven’t made time for a date night in six months, and one or both partners is feeling bored in the marriage.
  • If a wife meets an attractive new coworker for lunch, then doesn’t even share that with her spouse because she felt a spark and doesn’t want her husband to be jealous.
  • When a husband feels neglected because his wife focuses all his or her attention on the children.
  • You argue regularly about money, or the decision-making power that money represents.
  • If one or both partners is feeling sexually dissatisfied, but isn’t willing to discuss the issues honestly, because they doubt things can be improved.
  • A spouse doesn’t feel loved or respected in the marriage (even if the partner thinks he or she is showing love/respect).
  • One partner believes the other isn’t trustworthy. It’s just a feeling.
  • A wife daydreams about an ex, then connects with him on Facebook.
  • Someone your spouse says is “just a friend” seems to be overly friendly to your mate—and not to you.
  • A husband invests all his energy at work then is too tired to engage with his wife.
  • Either partner wonders, “What if I had made another choice?”

If warning signs were going off, would you understand the urgency to disconnect and focus on the problem? Would you turn to a professional if the problem was just getting worse instead of better? Would you be able to communicate the urgency to your partner?

We have to rely on our own instincts (until someone develops an app for identifying marital risk). It seems when things start going south, problems often gain momentum. Maybe one partner starts complaining to family or coworkers. He or she spends more time with friends outside the marriage or on the Internet looking for escape. The spouses go to bed at different times, avoiding even the chance of intimacy. They pour themselves into work or the kids. It’s the virus duplicating itself, becoming more entrenched in the marriage. If you don’t give it your full attention, it can eradicate even the good parts of the marriage.

The best defense is a good offense. Do the regular virus checks, in the form of very open communication. Make time daily to connect with your spouse about topics other than children, chores and errands. Speak up if there’s someone you aren’t comfortable being around your partner or family. Respect your spouse’s feelings on perceived risks, because s/he is your life partner. Invest in having fun and building memories and experiences together—because you have to build something worth protecting.

What are the biggest marital viruses you see? Do you ever see any warning signs? Is it easier to see the warning signs in other people’s marriages?

Photo credit:  ©Aloysius Patrimonio/PhotoXpress.com

For a Happier Marriage, Date Your Spouse

With the stress of daily life, work and family responsibilities weighing on you, Lindsey Rietzsch, author of How to Date Your Spouse, suggests changing your lifestyle will make your marriage more fulfilled.

Thinking back to before you married your spouse, there was a period of courtship. Each of you presented your best selves, groomed and dressed as attractively as you could muster. Chances are, you each listened more intently, tried to be funny, and in general were enjoyable to be around. Rietzsch says keeping these behaviors going is how you date your spouse. She breaks it down to seven factors:

  1. “E” for Effort—Arranging a special date night or focusing your attention fully on your partner shows effort. So does making sure the car is tidy, your legs are shaved, and you look your best.
  2. Earn Interest—Ask interesting questions; listen as if you are hearing your spouse for the first time. Look at things from his/her perspective. Appreciate your partner for who they are now. Be interested in your partner’s hobbies, job or interests.
  3. Ignite the Romance—Think about activities for your dates that allow you to be physically close, such as dancing, ice skating, swimming, taking a walk or getting a massage. A woman needs to be romanced and made to feel special. Hold hands, compliment your partner, and make time for intimacy.
  4. Dress to Impress—Make sure you smell good and look good, especially when you go out on dates. Maintain a healthy exercise regimen to give you self-confidence and energy. Wear something attractive to bed.
  5. Build Mystery—Plan some large or small surprises to keep your spouse wondering what’s next. Also, give yourself alone time, time for hobbies or friends, so you are rejuvenated and building interests.
  6. Fuel Excitement—Plan some new and exciting activities together to keep things from getting mundane. Take a trip, go kayaking, sailing, hot air ballooning or something that gets your adrenaline pumping. Even an amusement park or game of football can trigger youthful feelings.
  7. Flirt—Touch your partner throughout the day, say or text sexy things. Praise your spouse publicly and privately.

Rather than making date night a once a month or once a week ordeal, make dating your spouse a lifestyle decision.

What do you find most challenging about maintaining a dating lifestyle, versus getting caught up in the busyness of life and its challenges? For me, it’s making my marriage a priority and carving out regular time to invest in it.