Tag Archives: advice for engaged couples

Are there secrets in your partner’s life?

secret lovers sign morguefileMany folks think if you live together, you’re guaranteed to know your partner fully. Not so fast. The New York Post reports more engaged individuals are hiring private investigators to uncover potential secret habits or deal-breakers in their fiancé’s life. Whether you are married or cohabitating, merely living in the same home doesn’t equate to sharing the deepest parts of yourself.

While it may be easier than ever to Google a potential mate or scroll through their social media networks, it’s much more difficult to get to know one another below the surface. The Post reported that many engaged couples hadn’t even discussed financial struggles, debt, or other challenging topics. Only half of couples in interfaith marriages discussed how they planned to raise kids before they married. Many couples who ended up divorced said they didn’t receive honest feedback from their parents about their potential mates; instead they were supported “as long as they were happy.”

One of the downsides to cohabitation, reports clinical psychologist Meg Jay, is that it often gives people the illusion of true intimacy while allowing partners to keep to themselves important pieces of information or parts of themselves. (Isn’t that true in marriage as well?)

“You can chat endlessly about whether they leave dirty laundry on the floor or whether they’ve ever mopped a kitchen floor but having those serious chats about finances or children don’t get any easier just because you both collapse on the same couch at the end of the day,” writes Pamela Paul, author of “The Starter Marriage and the Future of Matrimony.”

Engaged couples can benefit from premarital counseling to ensure they are entering marriage with their eyes wide open, aware of their strengths and challenges.

Whether married or engaged, putting our true selves out there is the only way to achieve intimacy and to feel we are loved for who we are, warts and all. Don’t expect your partner to feel safe about sharing their true selves if you’re unwilling to do it first. Does your partner know your insecurities, current struggles, most difficult choices, regrets, dreams and goals?

Other notes from the article for engaged couples: The more relationships an individual has before marriage, the more likely they are to cheat on a spouse. Having many relationships makes it harder to decide whom to marry. And once married, it can make it harder to be satisfied with the choice of spouse. Read “Marriage-wary singles turning to private eyes before saying ‘I do‘.”

Do you think it’s hard to find the time to really connect with your spouse in the midst of your busy life?

Lori Lowe has been married to her husband, Ming, for 19 years. She is the author of First Kiss to Lasting Bliss: Hope & Inspiration for Your Marriage. It tells the inspiring, true stories of couples who used adversity to improve their marriages–from overcoming drug addiction to cancer, infidelity, religious differences, and infertility, among many others. It’s available at Amazon.com and in various e-book formats here.

Photo courtesy of Morguefile.com.

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The Pope’s Advice for Living Together in Love

Pope Francis addressed the fear of getting married and the secrets to living together happily when 10,000 engaged couples gathered in St. Peter’s Square on Valentine’s Day. The leader of the world’s largest Christian church had some interest advice for these young lovers.

First addressing the fear of “forever,” he said, “It is important to ask ourselves if it is possible to love one another forever. He continued, “Today many people are afraid of making definitive decisions that affect them for all their lives, because it seems impossible…and this mentality leads many who are preparing for marriage to say, ‘We will stay together for as long as our love lasts’.”

If love were merely an emotion, it would likely not last, but if instead it is a relationship, then it is a growing reality, that can be built together just as a house is built, he explained. “You would not wish to build it on the shifting sands of emotions, but on the rock of true love, the love that comes from God,” the Pope said. “We must not allow ourselves to be conquered by a ‘throwaway culture’.”

In answering a question about how to live together in love, the Pope responded that “living together is an art, a patient and beautiful and fascinating journey…which can be summarized in three words: please, thanks and sorry.” Please will reflect the kindness and care with which spouses treat one another. “True love does not impose itself with hardness and aggression.” Gratitude is an important sentiment, he explained, both toward one another as well as toward the God who provided the gift of your spouse. And sorry will be needed for the many mistakes we all make. He warned the engaged couples that the perfect family does not exist, nor the perfect husband, nor the perfect wife (nor even the perfect mother-in-law). However, learning to apologize, offer forgiveness and make peace each day (and not ending the day angry) will allow the marriage to last.

He tweeted on the same day this message: Dear young people, don’t be afraid to marry. A faithful and fruitful marriage will bring you happiness.

Read the Pope’s full remarks here. What do you think allows couples to maintain their love over a lifetime of marriage?

Lori Lowe is the author of First Kiss to Lasting Bliss: Hope & Inspiration for Your Marriage. It tells the inspiring, true stories of couples who used adversity to improve their marriages–from overcoming drug addiction to cancer, infidelity, religious differences, family interference and infertility, among many others. It’s available at Amazon.com and in various e-book formats here.