How would you react if your spouse suddenly decided to leave you? Would you be able to cope with such a situation?
The emotional pain that comes from being separated from someone you love is something that no one should ever have to go through.
You have to learn how to deal with feelings of anger, sadness, loneliness, and other emotions that come along with the breakup.
However, there are times when a separation isn’t always the end. It is possible to use the separation as a break and actually rebuild the marriage. But how can you do this? Keep reading to find out.
Should You Rebuild Your Marriage?
When a couple decides to separate, it doesn’t always mean that their marriage is over. Sometimes it is possible to work through the issues that caused the separation, but is this a good idea? This depends on the reasons for break up.
If your marriage was toxic or abusive, then it might be better to leave the relationship for good. You need to consider your future safety and happiness carefully before deciding to try to make it work.
What Caused The Separation?
The first step to rebuilding your marriage during a separation is to look at the reason it broke down. There isn’t usually just one reason, but lots of smaller issues that build up over time.
These smaller issues tend to be tied together by an overarching theme – a lack of trust, poor communication, not being considerate of each other’s feelings, failing to prioritize marriage over the day to day struggles of life.
You have to start by being honest with yourselves about why the relationship wasn’t working. This means accepting which parts were your fault.
This will involve some difficult conversations. Remember the aim of these conversations is to understand each other better, not to be ‘right’ or to have the upper hand.
Once you have identified the issues, you can begin to work on them to make sure that the same mistakes don’t get repeated.
Do You Think The Issues Can Be Resolved?
Once you have both had a chance to discuss the issues in the relationship, it is time to decide whether you want to work on them.
You both need to be willing to put the work in to resolve the problems and move forward, and it won’t be an easy path.
If you are both in agreement that you think the issues can be resolved then there is still hope for your marriage.
If one or both of you come to the decision that you don’t want to continue the relationship, and you don’t have the energy and/or motivation to put the work in, then the temporary separation will become permanent and you will need to begin divorce proceedings.
Having the conversation about the problems in the relationship will have still been useful as it will have allowed you both to get some closure.
What Do You Want Moving Forward?
If you both decide to work on the relationship then you need to have an in-depth conversation to set some boundaries.
You both need to communicate what your needs are, what kind of marriage you want, and what you expect from each other going forward.
This is also a good opportunity to explain to your partner what you are capable of to manage their expectations of your ongoing relationship.
It might be that you need to make some big changes to the way that you and your partner share your lives, the decisions you make, and the dynamics of your relationship.
It is okay if your relationship looks different after your separation than it did before- change is progress.
Do You Need Help?
There might be some things that you need help with for you to move forward with your relationship. It is okay to seek help and support from an outside source.
Couples therapy is an excellent resource to use if you are trying to rebuild your marriage.
A counselor will be able to help you identify areas of your relationship that need work, and will provide support as you communicate with each other and work through the issues.
Having a third party present in these conversations with your partner can help prevent them from descending into arguments, and can ensure that the conversations are productive and help you make progress.
Take It Slowly
It is best not to rush the process of rebuilding your marriage. It can be tempting to try to move things along quickly so that your old lifestyle can resume – perhaps it is costing money to live apart or it makes it difficult to see your children.
However, if you rush the process then you could end up skipping over important stages of the rebuilding process, preventing you both from healing.
This means you could end up carrying old resentments into your renewed marriage, which will fester into larger problems over time.
Remember that slow progress is better than no progress at all, so even if it feels like it is taking a long time you should still persevere.
Work On Trusting Each Other
If your marriage broke down and you needed to separate, then there is a good chance that the trust in the relationship was compromised.
This doesn’t necessarily mean that infidelity was involved- it could be that you have lost faith in your ability to make each other happy, or you don’t trust that your partner will prioritize your emotional needs.
An important part of rebuilding your marriage is learning to trust each other again. This will take time, and there is an element of risk involved- to find out if someone is trustworthy you have to allow them to prove it to you.
But you cannot move forward in your relationship without trust, so this step is crucial.
Summary
If you and your spouse have separated, this does not mean that your relationship is over for good. There are steps you can take to rebuild your marriage if you are both willing to work on it.
