Category Archives: Uncategorized

Tell your wife she is beautiful

Posted on January 30, 2014 | 1 comment

file0001696146113I’m going to let you in on a little secret. Your wife doesn’t think she’s beautiful. How can she? The world is busy pointing out all of her flaws.

Particularly at the beginning of the year, I have noticed many women feeling insecure about their appearance. Maybe it’s a few pounds they put on during the holidays, or even if they have maintained their weight, feeling like they are not fit enough. But in general women are not as happy as men are with their appearance.

Magazines, TV shows and print ads are pointing out the tiny wrinkles and the need for more radiant skin, shinier and thicker hair, and a perfectly made up youthful face. Media accentuates and celebrates long, slender legs, tiny waists and ample, perky breasts. Fashion dictates that anything in our closets is just not trendy enough.

What does that have to do with your wife? She probably thinks more about her appearance (and her perceived flaws) much more than you realize. You may have told her she is beautiful, but she has heard 100 times more frequently through subtle messages that she is not. So when she hears you say it, she may at first not believe you. She may even argue with you.

Don’t give up. Tell her she is your one-of-a-kind woman and that in your eyes she is the most beautiful woman. Tell her what you love about her, and give her sincere compliments often. If she wears a flattering outfit, tell her she looks great. And if the clothes and the makeup and the special hairdos don’t matter to you, tell her that as well.

I’m not suggesting husbands don’t require compliments, but I’d be willing to bet men spend less energy, money, and brain power worrying about how they look.

Ladies, if your husband tells you that you’re beautiful, smile, say thank you. Know that he sees you with his own eyes and heart, and he means it. You might even start to believe it.

If body image or self-confidence is an issue in your marriage, read Is Low Body Image Harming Your Marriage? and Improve Sexual Sparks with a Better Body Image.

Lori Lowe is the author of First Kiss to Lasting Bliss: Hope & Inspiration for Your Marriage. It tells the inspiring, true stories of couples who used adversity to improve their marriages–from overcoming drug addiction to cancer, infidelity, religious differences, family interference and infertility, among many others. It’s available at Amazon.com and in various e-book formats here.

Photo courtesy of morguefile.com

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Harvard Study: What Makes Men Happy for Life

Posted on January 8, 2014 | Leave a comment

morguefile walking coupleI do not refer in this article to what women can do to make men happy. Nope, men are responsible for their own happiness, as are women. That being said, a 75-year-long Harvard study provides some great insights into what it takes for men to live a happy life. And not surprisingly, relationships have a great deal to do with this earned happiness.

The study began in 1938 and followed 268 male undergraduates into their old age. Many factors, of course, influence their happiness. Following are some of the more surprising, helpful or interesting findings:

1. Alcohol use is by far the greatest disruptor of health and happiness among the study’s subjects. Alcoholism was also the single strongest cause of divorce between study participants and their wives. Together with cigarette smoking, it was the #1 greatest cause of morbidity and death.
2. While some of the participants successfully recovered from a lousy childhood, memories of a happy childhood were a lifelong source of strength. (This should help parents understand the importance of those early days with our children.)
3. Marriages bring much more contentment after age 70.
4. Habits developed before age 50 were more important to physically aging well than heredity.
5. Having “warm relationships” was critically important to health and happiness in later years. Even more surprising, those who scored the highest on the warm relationships scale earned $141,000 a year more during peak salaries than the men in the lowest scale.
6. Men who had warm childhood relationships with their mothers earned much more than men whose mothers were uncaring. Those who had poor relationships with their moms were much more likely to develop dementia in elder years.
7. Men who had warm relationships with their fathers had lower levels of adult anxiety, enjoyed vacations more, and had increased satisfaction with life after age 75.
8. Men who did well in old age did not necessarily do well in midlife, and visa versa. (There is always time to make a change in your life.)

Study director George Vallant summarized that the $20 million study boiled down to one conclusion: Happiness is love. Vallant details the findings in a book titled Triumphs of Experience. While money and social class did not impact lifelong happiness, the ability to “take love in and metabolize it” certainly did.

You knew that already, right? With so many goals to consider for 2014, a renewed focus on love may be the most important to your happiness.

Lori Lowe is the author of First Kiss to Lasting Bliss: Hope & Inspiration for Your Marriage. It tells the inspiring, true stories of couples who used adversity to improve their marriages–from overcoming drug addiction to cancer, infidelity, religious differences, family interference and infertility, among many others. It’s available at Amazon.com and in various e-book formats here.

Photo courtesy of morguefile.com

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Is Self-Marriage a Fluke?

Posted on November 25, 2013 | 3 comments

wedding ring The ubiquitous selfies you see on social media are nothing compared to this new level of focusing on the self. Self-marriage is a new trend reported by CNN, a ceremony during which individuals marry themselves.

The definition of marriage is to join or unite intimately. How does one unite with oneself? Aren’t we already intimately united with our own bodies? Has the focus on individualism reached a new low?

Some claim self-marriage is about “lifting up and celebrating the singular awesomeness of yourself”. I have no problem with celebrating singlehood or the fact that you believe you are awesome. But why, oh why, does this have to involve the ceremony of marriage? Is this not just another way of drawing attention to ourselves?

So is this trend just a fluke? After all, the people promoting the idea of self-marriage are selling a “self-wedding in a box” as a way to profit on the idea. They claim, “It’s about acknowledging that you are a lovable, adorable, amazing person with all these fabulous qualities.” I hope that everyone reading this feels they can agree with that sentence, whether they are single or married or dating. You’re a lovable, amazing person. You don’t have to marry yourself to prove it to your friends and family, do you?

I haven’t hidden my opinion on the subject, but do you disagree? Is this an idea that fits in just right with the culture and its focus on individualism? Is it a good way to lift up people’s self-esteem and celebrate their life, or does it move us further away from a loving and sacrificial commitment between two married people?

Lori Lowe is the author of First Kiss to Lasting Bliss: Hope & Inspiration for Your Marriage. It tells the inspiring, true stories of couples who used adversity to improve their marriages–from overcoming drug addiction to cancer, infidelity, religious differences, family interference and infertility, among many others. It’s available at Amazon.com and in various e-book formats here.

Photo courtesy of morguefile.com.

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5 Ways to Renew Your Love

Posted on February 21, 2013 | 9 comments

love on hand by David Castillo Dominici freedigitalphotos.netA lot of insightful research on relationship effectiveness comes out of the Greater Good Science Center. This article from researcher Barbara Frederickson, PhD, was exceptionally interesting in that she essentially breaks down our loving feelings into a science.  She explains that love is a renewable resource, and tells us five ways in which we can renew it.

Frederickson describes these loving feelings as a combination of the sharing of positive emotions, the synchrony between your and another person’s biochemistry and behaviors, and a dual motivation to invest in each other’s wellbeing. The positive energy we create can be sustained and can grow (with effort).

Several results occur when we inject positive emotions into our day, according to researchers. First, we open our awareness and better see the big picture. We see more possibilities when we experience positive emotions (as opposed to neutral or negative ones), and we can bounce back better from adversity. Even creativity and academic test results are improved when they are preceded by positive emotions.

Clearly these outcomes would benefit a marriage, particularly when we are looking for solutions or ways to do things better. The kicker is that we need to renew these loving feelings daily—multiple times each day. Frederickson shares five ways research says we can boost our “positivity resonance:”

  1. Look into your spouse’s eyes as often as possible. Your body craves more than text message connections; it craves “moments of oneness.”  Eye contact helps you synch up.
  2. Look for opportunities to be silly together in a cooperative manner. For example, don’t be afraid to engage in silly contests and have fun figuring out how best to solve the challenge together.
  3. Bring up shared history in a positive way. Show that you know your spouse well and that they can trust you.
  4. Take time to appreciate the good things. Express gratitude not only for the actions of another but for the good qualities that you see in your partner. This extra step helps your spouse feel validated and cherished.
  5. Invest in positive emotions for the future. They can be built up, and when difficult times appear, you will have a resource from which to draw on.

Frederickson says, “Genuine positive emotions are available to you at any time.” Practicing these five tips may help you feel more connected and give your marriage greater resilience.  You can find more insights from the Greater Good Science Center here.

Do you agree with these suggestions, or do you believe love isn’t something you can break down into actionable components?

Lori Lowe is the author of First Kiss to Lasting Bliss: Hope & Inspiration for Your Marriage. It tells the inspiring, true stories of couples who used adversity to improve their marriages–from overcoming drug addiction to cancer, infidelity, religious differences, family interference and infertility, among many others. It’s available at Amazon.com and in all e-book formats at www.LoriDLowe.com.

Photo by David Castillo Dominici courtesy of freedigitalphotos.net.

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Posted in Communication, Family, Happiness, Love, Marriage, Marriage Research, Relationships, Uncategorized

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7 Tips to Help You Achieve Your Goals in 2013

Posted on January 8, 2013 | 7 comments

excited teens by Ambro freedigitalphotos.netIf you’re feeling like “a change would do you good” this year, what specific things would you like in your life to improve? Why has it been tough in the past to improve in that area?

This is the time of year when our New Year’s Resolutions may already start to be forgotten, or get pushed to the side as other more urgent matters come up. A friend of mine made what I thought was the best resolution:  to show more love. I’m sure his wife, kids and friends will be the happy recipients of his efforts and that better relationships will bring that love right back.

Many people have a goal to get more fit or to lose weight, and most of them will fall back into old habits. I read a few years ago that it only takes 21 days to make a new habit second nature. To that end, I got up and got on the treadmill for a workout for three straight weeks. I can tell you on day 22, I did not enjoy the workout any more, nor did I feel like it had become a natural habit. It took a force of my will do continue even a few days a week.

So I don’t believe in gimmicks when it comes to making changes. But I also think more change is possible than you think, in your relationships, skills, your body, your diet, or whatever you are hoping to improve.

As I was preparing this post, I read an article from The Generous Husband called You are going to change. Why choose now? He cites a study that concluded that we change a good deal more over time than we would have predicted. Looking back 10 years, you have probably changed a great deal more than you would have predicted back then. When I think about how different my husband and I were a decade ago, it makes me laugh. And you will probably be more different 10 years from now than you think you will be.  If you’re going to change, hopefully you will move in the right direction on the issues important to you.

Here are a few strategies that have worked well for me:

  1. Have clearly stated goals that are incremental. For example, “I will take my spouse out once a month” might be the first step toward infusing your marriage with more romance.
  2. Have an accountability partner. This is probably the most      important suggestion if you really want to get something done, at least it has worked very well for me. You will check in weekly or monthly with each of your goals and have to report whether or not you have done what you have said you will do. I suggest this partner would not be your spouse, but could be an encouraging friend who has something he or she also wants to achieve. Don’t pick someone who will make excuses right along with you and excuse your lack of effort. Even if you have a month that doesn’t go well, get back to your goals, and help one another get back on track. Celebrate small successes together.
  3. Put it on the schedule. It’s easy to overlook things on the schedule if you don’t have that accountability partner. Only schedule what you really intend to do. “Romantic evening with wife” or “hike with hubby” are things that may not happen if they are not on the calendar.
  4. Give focused time, then rewards. One procrastination expert I’ve read, Rita Emmett, suggests you select one thing to do for one hour. Ignore everything else going on during that hour. Take no breaks during that hour. Then, give yourself a small reward after one hour, such as a cup of coffee or a small break on Facebook. I’ve found this works quite well. We are so easily distracted; turn off email, phones and close your door during that hour.
  5. Make the first step easy. Then take the next step. For example, my friend might stock up on greeting cards or small gifts so he’s prepared to express his love when he has a few minutes. Taking a walk with a friend is an easy way to get started with improved fitness.
  6. Read and think about the issue you are working to improve. If you want a better marriage, read about strong marriages. If you want to lose weight, learn about nutrition and fitness. If you hope to deepen your faith, read the Bible or religious books. If you want a better job, study and practice the skills you will need to move up. If we spend all our complaining time focused on visualizing success, we will see more positive change by the end of 2013.
  7. When you come up short, start again. Don’t let your inner voice speak negatively.

Lori Lowe is the author of First Kiss to Lasting Bliss: Hope & Inspiration for Your Marriage. It tells the inspiring, true stories of couples who used adversity to improve their marriages–from overcoming drug addiction to cancer, infidelity, religious differences, family interference and infertility, among many others. It’s available at Amazon.com and in all e-book formats at www.LoriDLowe.com.

Photo by Ambro courtesty of freedigitalphotos.net.

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The Next Big Thing

Posted on December 17, 2012 | 3 comments

NextBigThingLast week a friend of mine, Beverly Willett, a great writer with whom I work on the Coalition for Divorce Reform, asked me to participate in the Next Big Thing online event. I’m always up for some online camaraderie, and am happy to join in. The Next Big Thing is a way for authors and bloggers to share the news about their most exciting upcoming projects.

Beverly is a former lawyer, but don’t hold that against her! She is working on multiple writing projects, and you can meet her here at her blog: http://beverlywillett.com/blog. I think you’ll agree that her lively writing style is very entertaining. In addition, she is clearly passionate about helping to improve family stability in our country. She’s not afraid to look at all possibilities to achieve this. Here’s her article in the Huffington Post on the number-one problem facing our country.

So here’s my attempt at answering these questions about my current writing journey:

What is the title of your book?

For those new readers here, my book is called First Kiss to Lasting Bliss: Hope & Inspiration for Your Marriage. It tells the stories of a dozen couples who found that adversity could actually strengthen their marriages. It’s available on Amazon.

Where did the idea come from for the book?

I was inspired by a few amazing couples I knew who had gone through difficulties that most couples could not endure. As a GenXer, I realized that few in our generation have great role models for how to thrive in marriage when the going gets tough. As a journalism geek, I’ve always loved interviewing people and telling stories. That’s how the idea came together.

What genre does your book fall under?
Creative Nonfiction.

How long did it take you to write the first draft of your manuscript?

It took about a year of interviewing and locating all the couples and another year to write and edit.

Which actors would you choose to play your characters in a movie rendition?
With two dozen characters in the book, there is room for nearly every Hollywood star, from the southern Belle to the military hero to the sweet older couple.

What is the synopsis of your book?
Life and marriage rarely go exactly as we had planned, but marriage can thrive even in the most difficult circumstances. Learn from couples who have experienced child loss, infidelity, drug addiction, cancer, financial crises, brain injury, stranger rape, separation for military service, infertility, opposing religions, unsupportive families, raising special-needs children, and much more.

Will your book be self-published or represented by an agency?
I started a publishing company, Geode Publishing, so it was self-published. You can learn more at http://www.LoriDLowe.com.

What other books would you compare this story to within your genre?
Tom Brokaw’s The Greatest Generation has a similar story-telling vibe although my book covers multiple generations. Another book that has the same feel is Why Do I Love These People? by Po Bronson. I love the way Po uses creative storytelling to relay real life stories. My stories also use creative nonfiction style to allow the reader to immerse themselves in the stories and understand what factors got them into their troubled period, whether it was through poor decisions, such as infidelity, or harsh life circumstances, such as the death of a child.

What’s your next big thing?
My next big thing is to focus on the most important things in my life at this moment, to live in the present and to enjoy and treasure my family and nourish my spiritual life. During the research and writing of this book, I gave up many everyday things from TV and leisure reading to spending extra time with family. I don’t miss the TV, but literature is an important inspiration for me. My two kids traveled from toddlers to tweeners in the blink of an eye, and I don’t want to miss a day. I plan to nurture my own marriage and family life while also blogging and balancing my “other job” in healthcare marketing communications.

I’m also making a little more time for me! That’s hard for writers to do, but I ran my first 5K and learned to play tennis in the last year. I’m trying to make my own health and wellbeing a priority. We writers can’t feel guilty to indulge in a long walk or a great book, rather than spending more time on Facebook and Twitter.

So, 2013 will not be the year I become rich and famous (especially since I don’t play the lottery), but I hope to continue to balance the use of my talents with spending my time on these activities and with the family and friends I love, who as I get older seem more and more precious to me.

Thanks to all the bloggers and writers out there who have been supportive in my own writing adventures!  And now I would like to pass the torch to two writers whom I would love to introduce you to, Eve Gaal and Neil McNerney! 

Please meet Eve Gaal…

When Eve received  a typewriter at age four, it set in motion a cycle of creative writing starting with stories, poems, newsletters, advertising copy, non-fiction articles, essays and fictional stories. Then after a high school friend actually commissioned a poem, her destiny felt written in stone.

Eve’s writing has appeared in various anthologies such as Fiction Noir-13 Stories, God Makes Lemonade, My Funny Valentine and Goose River Anthology.  Online magazines and journals include the September 2012 issue of Rusty Nail literary magazine. Short stories, Kidnapped Writer and Front Page Kiss, both available on Amazon. Recent publications include: Open Doors-Fractured Fairy Tales, Epiphany Magazine, Wit and Humor magazine on iTunes and a humorous tale about her puppy in Not Your Mother’s Book on Dogs  out in time for the holidays. Watch for her upcoming novel titled, “Penniless Hearts.” Find more of Eve’s writing and read her Next Big Thing at: http://thedesertrocks.blogspot.com. 

And introducing Neil McNerney!

As a school counselor, and a licensed counselor in private practice, Neil has seen many kids and their parents struggle with homework issues. In the last twenty years he has developed a technique that has helped hundreds of families deal with issues of motivation, student stress, disorganization, and a number of other things that get in the way of doing well in school.

Neil hopes his book: “Homework – A Parent’s Guide to Helping Out without Freaking Out!“ will show parents a clear plan to increasing your child’s success while decreasing your own frustration.

You can read Neil’s Next Big Thing post right here!

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Great Gift Ideas and What to Never Buy Your Wife

Posted on December 11, 2012 | 11 comments

gift box by master images freedigitalphotos.netThere’s no shortage of suggestions out there for items to buy, but still some dear husbands make some huge mistakes in the gift-giving arena. So, as a courtesy, I just wanted to share a few warnings of what NOT to buy your wife for you Christmas, Hanukkah, your anniversary, her birthday, Valentine’s or other holidays you celebrate. (This post is adapted from one I wrote in 2010.)

Particularly if your spouse’s love language is gift giving, the present you choose may be seen as an expression of how you value him or her. In our culture, women tend to value romantic gifts from their husbands. Don’t get her the following:

1.  Anything related to your wife’s weight. One friend bought his wife a digital scale with a fat measurement tool. In his defense, his wife had been talking about getting one. However, she was not impressed with the unromantic gesture. The same goes for workout tapes, weights, and even gym memberships (unless she specifically asks for it) .Women are just too body conscious in this country, and a gift from their husband suggesting they need to get in shape can bring out her insecurities.

2.  Any appliance. If your wife needs a new vacuum, please help her pick one out. But not for her anniversary! Again, this is not a good expression of your love and appreciation. Crock pots, washers/dryers, and anything else that is needed to run your home falls into the same category. I suppose a possible exception would be if she tells you what she really, really wants is a gourmet coffee maker, or something like that. My sister once asked for a kitchen mixer, so there are exceptions.And if she has a hobby, such as wine collecting, you might consider accessories for the hobby. Check out these wine cooler reviews.

3.  An empty box, a piece of coal or other “joke” gifts. Seriously, I’ve heard of men (OK, my husband) doing this. They all have their reasons why it was funny to them, but trust me: Don’t.

4.  Skip it. If your wife says to skip the gifts this year, because you’re saving for a deck or home improvements from Capital Construction Contracting Inc, you can only half believe her. After all home improvements really can benefit the two of you and can make your home more valuable. I’ve heard some wives or fiancées say this but not mean it. (I am a fan of honesty, since men can’t be expected to read minds.) A small, romantic gesture is much preferred over just skipping the event. Just tell her you couldn’t let the day pass without reminding her how much she means to you.

5.  Something you can’t afford. If you’re in debt or have upcoming financial obligations, there’s no reason to spend too much to show your love. Debt causes marital stress, increased arguments, and can lead to breakups.

Keeping the above list of no no’s will keep you out of the dog house most of the time. A few top gift suggestions for any occasion include:

1.  A love letter. Find tips here on writing a love letter. It’s a free gift, and most appreciated.

2. Flowers or treats delivered to her. I recently received chocolate covered strawberries for my birthday, and enjoyed it so much I have delivered them to two others this year.

3.  Jewelry. This can be anything from costume jewelry to fine jewelry, and you can meet any budget. Be sure to check her style and perhaps ask her friends if she would enjoy what you’re considering. Some women don’t enjoy jewelry, so know your wife.

4.  Pampering. You can splurge for spa certificates, or you can make up a coupon book offering your own massages or special services, a day to herself, or other activity she enjoys.

5.  Cards or notes. Leave notes around the house for her to find. One friend was going to be out of town on his first anniversary, so he had friends go to his house each day of the week to hide a love note for his wife to find. The great thing about writing a poem or note is it truly means speaking from your heart, and your spouse will really appreciate this.

6.  Travel or getaways. One of my favorite gift ideas is to secretly plan a get-away (including babysitting if needed). It can be for one night or a week away, depending on availability and budget. Consider it an investment in your relationship. While you’re together try not to let cell phones and other technology get in the way of your sharing time.

7.  Ask, or listen. Your spouse may be giving you hints or telling you what he or she would like.

8.  If she enjoys sexy lingerie or perfume, by all means, indulge. But be sensitive to her preferences.

9. Something to keep her comfortable. Is there an area at home she likes to hang out? Does she have a throw blanket, slippers or a favorite mug to keep her cozy? How about a luxurious robe, bubble bath, and candles for the bath?

Read more ideas to show love in What have you done for your marriage today? Also, 7 free gift ideas.

Have you ever given a gift you regretted, or received a gift you couldn’t believe your spouse gave you? Share your experience, so others can avoid the same mistakes.

 

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Lori Lowe is the author of First Kiss to Lasting Bliss: Hope & Inspiration for Your Marriage. It tells the inspiring, true stories of couples who used adversity to improve their marriages–from overcoming drug addiction to cancer, infidelity, religious differences, family interference and infertility, among many others. It’s available at Amazon.com and in all e-book formats atwww.LoriDLowe.com.  Great for holiday stocking stuffers! Contact me if you would like one mailed in time for Christmas.

Picture by Master isolated images courtesy of freedigitalphotos.net

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