Category Archives: Uncategorized

5 Reasons to Affirm Your Spouse

confident woman morguefile

A leadership blog by Michael Hyatt shared why speaking well of our spouses in public is key. He shared two personal examples of leaders he knew. One (a pastor) frequently made disparaging, although sometimes humorous or kidding, remarks about his spouse, while the other spoke only positively and affectionately. You can guess which one ended in affairs and divorce, and which one survived 60 years and counting.

Isn’t it easy to share when our spouse does something wrong or makes a mistake? Our brain naturally focuses on the negative. On the other hand, praising one’s spouse in public is rare, but effective for 5 reasons, he says.

  1. You get more of what you affirm—notice the good stuff, reinforce that behavior, and get more of what you appreciate.
  2. Affirmation shifts your attitude—most people align their words with their attitudes, helping them feel more positively about their spouse as they speak well of him/her.
  3. Affirmation strengthens their best qualities—your spouse can perceive areas in which he or she is being praised or appreciated, helping them realize and increase their areas of strength.
  4. Affirmation wards off temptation—as you speak well of your spouse, others recognize you are happily married. It’s “like a hedge that protects your marriage from would-be predators. It will keep you out of compromising positions. Talk about your spouse publicly, positively, and often. It’s adultery repellent,” says Hyatt.
  5. Affirmation provides a model for those around you—at work and in your community, you are modeling how to speak well of your spouse. For those in leadership positions, it’s a demonstration of how you treat the people you value most.

Examples of what you may want to praise in public are character attributes (kindness, generosity, hard-working) or actions (he really came through when I needed a hand today). Some people I know just have a way of referring to their spouse (my beautiful bride) that lets others know their feelings up front.

Give affirmation a try today, then make it a daily habit.

Lori Lowe has been married to her husband, Ming, for 20 years. She is the author of First Kiss to Lasting Bliss: Hope & Inspiration for Your Marriage. It tells the inspiring, true stories of couples who used adversity to improve their marriages–from overcoming drug addiction to cancer, infidelity, religious differences, and infertility, among many others. It’s available at Amazon.com and in various e-book formats here.

Photo courtesy of Morguefile.com.

5 Tips for Effective Communication in Marriage

Divorce Proof Marriage
Today’s Guest Post is from Waverly Hanson, the best-selling author of How to Divorce-Proof Your Marriage.

Relationships, especially a long-term marriage, will go through many phases. There will be moments when you and your partner are in perfect sync and it feels like nothing can get you down. Then, there will be scenarios where you’ll feel like you don’t know each other at all. This concept would be much easier to swallow if it didn’t enrich divorce lawyers at an alarming rate.

The simple truth is, you and your partner have to learn the value of communication within a relationship if you are going to weather the bad and enjoy the good. So, consider these five tips to create effective communication in a marriage and maintain a solid, mutually beneficial relationship.

1 – Start Listening

The first step in creating effective communication is to start listening. This means not interrupting your partner at any point and actually hearing what they have to say. This is where empathy plays such an important part, because you need to see what your partner is seeing. You also need to understand what your partner is feeling.

Giving your partner a safe opportunity to share their thoughts shows more than just love and respect. It shows you are willing to work towards a solution if you’re having an argument and not escalate the situation.

2 – Don’t Make Assumptions

After being married a few years, it’s easy to fall into a dangerous habit of making assumptions. Just because you know your partner’s routine in the morning doesn’t mean you know what they are thinking. Continue to make conversation on topics you probably know the answer to.

The same goes for passive individuals who prefer to keep things to themselves. Expecting your partner to be a psychic is unreasonable and it will only make you more frustrated. Even you think a topic might be hurtful to bring up, take the time to talk about it, rather than keeping everything bottled up inside.

3 – Check Your Tone at the Door

It doesn’t matter what time of the day it is or the mood you are in, when speaking to your partner, always use a loving tone. If this person is your better half then show it on a daily basis by pairing your words with love. Apart from making each other feel special, it will lay the groundwork for effective communication.

Unfortunately arguments don’t typically involve a loving tone of voice, but you are still in control to a degree. A shouting match isn’t going to fix anything, but a heated discussion just might.

4 – Bury the Past

There’s no better way to say it, leave the past right where it is. If you or your partner has a tendency to reach for past problems when feeling threatened, get rid of that tendency. By constantly reminding someone of what they did, you risk closing communication channels completely. If you can’t manage this on your own, talk to a licensed therapist or counselor to get some help.

5 – Be Honest

The one person who is going to know when you lie, whether they inform you of it or not, is your partner. It’s understandable if you lie when your partner asks if they gained weight, but it crosses the line when conversations are built on constant lying. When you have too much to hide from your spouse, you risk shutting down communication simply because you’re too scared of letting something slip.

Build your relationship on trust by not keeping secrets unnecessarily. Having a private email address or cell phone is a dangerous game, and it might just destroy your relationship if your spouse finds out about it. If you’re in a place where these things are a part of your life, it’s time to rethink your priorities, get rid of the secrets and open up to your spouse with honesty.

Some Final Thoughts

Love won’t always be the saving factor in a relationship. When things get too tough and couples have fallen into silent, passive habits, the only thing that can get the relationship back on track is communication. Build that bridge today and savor your marriage for the rest of your life.

About the Author

Waverly Hanson is the best-selling author of How to Divorce-Proof Your Marriage available on Amazon in print and Kindle formats. She has been assisting individuals and couples with relationship and life transformations for more than 25 years as a therapist, counselor, coach and consultant.  Visit her website to learn more.

 

 

 

 

Are you guilty of these common spouse complaints?

sleeping manThe three most frequent marriage complaints from husbands who are in marriage counseling, according to several surveyed psychotherapists include:

  1. My wife expects me to be a mind reader.
  2. Late night arguments are getting out of hand.
  3. My wife doesn’t appreciate me.

As a wife, I’m often guilty of thinking my husband should know what I want after 20 years of marriage. Wives may expect their husbands to know how they are feeling or thinking. If he guesses wrong, he’s the bad guy. Wives need to learn to directly express themselves or realize their cues may be misinterpreted. And husbands should ask their spouse to speak more clearly what she wants.

For anyone who has to get up early, having a spouse bring up a conflict just before going to sleep is a problem, particularly if it happens frequently or drags on. According to the therapists, men often find this late night discussion the least appealing time. Wives, on the other hand, may feel they can’t sleep without addressing the problem. Their advice is to schedule 10 minutes after work or right after dinner to talk so you can both give the time and energy needed.

Third, men in counseling often say they are fairly low on their wife’s priority list. In addition, they don’t hear words of appreciation as often as they need. Some wives think expressing gratitude may keep their husband from doing more to please them, but men are often energized by feeling appreciated. (They may want to help you more if you say thank you.)

A few of the top concerns that women vocalize to their marriage counselors include:

  1. My husband criticizes me.
  2. I feel a lack of fairness in our marriage.
  3. We have too much personality conflict.

The not-so-funny joke is … if you want to kill your marriage, have an affair, but if you want it to bleed to death slowly by a thousand cuts, use criticism. Rather than bringing about desired change, critical words can make us defensive or angry. Asking nicely for something is different than complaining that it is “never” done right. Name calling is a definite no-no under this category, as is any language that suggests your wife is less than smart. (This is not obvious to some men.)

Issues of fairness for wives often deal with the division of household labor and childcare. They may also involve how money and free time are spent, especially where vacations or holidays are spent. Do you take turns deciding on vacations or holidays, or does one person choose? All of these factors contribute to how valued one feels in the relationship.

Personality conflict is something all marriages have to some degree, even all people who live in close quarters. You like it warm; your spouse likes it cool. You like to socialize and entertain; your spouse likes to have a quiet night at home. You like to staycation; your spouse wants to travel the world. It’s more than fine that you are different from your spouse. Marriage is an adventure that requires compromise, communication, and growth.

For more insight read How can married couples overcome gridlock.

Sources: Guystuffcounseling.com and Huffingtonpost.com.

Visit: heraspiration.com for relationship advice for women.

Lori Lowe has been married to her husband, Ming, for 20 years. She is the author of First Kiss to Lasting Bliss: Hope & Inspiration for Your Marriage. It tells the inspiring, true stories of couples who used adversity to improve their marriages–from overcoming drug addiction to cancer, infidelity, religious differences, and infertility, among many others. It’s available at Amazon.com and in various e-book formats here.

Photo courtesy of Morguefile.com.

3 Tips To Help Children Adjust To Conflict In Marriage

Thanks to Lifestar Therapy for this guest post:

sad boy morguefileParents want to keep their children protected and will do everything to ensure children feel safe and secure. However, even the best of marriages can hit a rough patch and leave children wondering if this is their fault.

Help your kids through this time by providing stability, routine, and being there to answer their questions.

During difficult times, children feel more secure when they know what is going on and what to expect. Take some time to talk with your children (in an age appropriate way) about the situation and remember these 3 things:

1. Keep nasty comments about your spouse to yourself. When you’re angry, speaking negatively about your spouse can be tempting. However, it’s important to keep your opinions to yourself, especially in front of your children. If the situation between you and your spouse escalates, you need to have a clear understanding that defaming each other is not acceptable. In-laws and other relatives should also be warned these slanders against a parent is not allowed.

2. Put yourself in their shoes. Remember what you needed or wanted from your parents when you were 6 or 9 or 12, even 16? By remembering to look at things from their perspective, you can help your children adjust to the situation. If you have more than one child, use this exercise for each one to better understand their individual needs to deal with the changes.

3. Be prepared to answer their questions. Change is never easy, and for children it can be even harder. Let them ask questions and keep the communication lines open so they feel important, and that you’re always available. Also, be aware of responses like, “I’m fine,” “I’m not interested,” or “I don’t care,” as this might not be the case.

If you have questions or what to know what else you can do to help your children cope during this time, a therapist can help to answer your questions and concerns.

About the Author: Danielle Adams is a freelance writer who works with Lifestar Therapy. She is committed to helping people practice open communication and build healthy relationships.

 

Feel like your marriage needs a big change?

woman walking morguefileOne prominent family law firm reports the third Monday of January is the busiest day for divorce lawyers. However, they say that many couples see a lawyer in hopes of trying to salvage the relationship.

I’d rather see those people marching off to marriage counselors, but it begs the question: Why the end of January?

Things have settled down after the holidays. Expectations for those holidays may not have been met. Many people drink more during the holiday season. Cold weather may create cabin fever or winter blues. Visits with extended family can add additional stress. The New Year causes us to reevaluate our lives and ask if we are achieving or receiving all that we could be. (It’s a rather consumer-oriented perspective, but we often can’t help ourselves.)

All of these factors and more can contribute to a feeling of malaise. Many of these factors cause stress but are not directly related to a “bad marriage.” It’s just hard to have a good marriage if one or more of the spouses are depressed or stressed out. A spouse may get the blame for not “doing enough” to help us out or to make us happy.

Still, even people who visit a marriage counselor, or worse, a divorce lawyer, often don’t want a divorce. They just want a change. There are many possible solutions or changes that can improve one’s outlook on life while keeping the marriage intact.

Do you want more time with your spouse? Do you despise your job or the city you live in? Do you need firmer boundaries with your in-laws, or wish for a quick getaway to a warm climate? Or are there deeper issues that a therapist might help you overcome?

Feeling like your marriage needs a complete overhaul? Check the calendar, and realize it might be time to seriously consider a number of changes. But keep your spouse.

Lori Lowe has been married to her husband, Ming, for 20 years. She is the author of First Kiss to Lasting Bliss: Hope & Inspiration for Your Marriage. It tells the inspiring, true stories of couples who used adversity to improve their marriages–from overcoming drug addiction to cancer, infidelity, religious differences, and infertility, among many others. It’s available at Amazon.com and in various e-book formats here.

Photo courtesy of Morguefile.com.

Researchers find a huge advantage to friendship in marriage

happy young couple morguefileMore benefits to being married have been revealed, especially if you’re married to your best friend. The National Bureau of Economic Research has found more reasons to get and stay married—and they don’t all have to do with economics.

Their findings suggest that marrying your best friend can give you greater life satisfaction and help you navigate the stresses of life, cushioning the difficult periods. The economists controlled for pre-marriage happiness levels to separate the issues of whether marrying actually makes people happier or whether happier people are more likely to marry. They found the former was true.

People who are married are happier and more satisfied with their lives on average than are people who stay single. This is especially true during times of stress, such as during a midlife crisis.

They confirmed that college educated individuals with higher incomes are more likely to get and stay married (we knew that). Researchers further added that married couples gain family stability, financial stability, higher happiness levels and lower stress.

Happiness levels were maintained long-term, not just immediately after the marriage, particularly when couples found friendship as well as love in their marriage. As marriage has changed in recent decades, spouses have broadened their roles from merely economic and social partnerships and have become friends and companions as well as lovers. The researchers found the benefits of marital friendship were greatest during middle age, when demands of career and family are high and life satisfaction tends to ebb.

Some interesting conclusions:
*Individuals who consider their spouse to be their best friend get about twice as much life satisfaction from marriage as others.

*Women benefit more from being married to their best friend, but men are more likely to call their wife their best friend.

Being married to your best friend may be a wonderful way to keep life’s stressors at bay for the long haul. Positive long-term relationships, especially marriage, can help buoy us in troubled times. Unfortunately those for whom marriage seems out of reach (financially or culturally) may be at an even greater disadvantage in life, making the bumps in the road feel that much harder. The economists wrote that those whose lives are the most difficult would benefit the most from marriage.

Read more in the New York Times: “Study Finds More Reasons to Get and Stay Married.”

Cultivate not just the love in your marriage, but also your friendship with your spouse as you grow older together. And if you’re married to your best friend, count yourself fortunate and give your spouse a big thank-you today.

Lori Lowe has been married to her husband, Ming, for 19 years. She is the author of First Kiss to Lasting Bliss: Hope & Inspiration for Your Marriage. It tells the inspiring, true stories of couples who used adversity to improve their marriages–from overcoming drug addiction to cancer, infidelity, religious differences, and infertility, among many others. It’s available at Amazon.com and in various e-book formats here.

Photo courtesy of Morguefile.com.

Confidence can impact your marital success

confident woman morguefileA growing body of evidence shows how devastating a lack of confidence can be. “Success, it turns out, correlates just as closely with confidence as it does with competence,” say Katty Kay and Claire Shipman, authors of The Confidence Gap, written for The Atlantic’s April edition.

I believe confidence also has a great deal to do with the success of our marriages. That’s one reason why I don’t like to read the (often false or misleading) divorce statistics. It leads young marrieds to thinking they are so unlikely to succeed that they shouldn’t even believe in themselves and their union.

But you know what it means to have someone believe in you, don’t you? Maybe it was a coach or teacher or parent. You know what it’s like to cheer someone else on even in the face of despair or difficulty. You know the difference that it makes to root someone on and to believe they will succeed.

Kay and Shipman have researched and written about the gap in confidence that has been found between men and women in the work world, to the detriment of women’s advancement. They share their own struggles and doubts with professional confidence (despite their impressive experience and credentials). They conclude that confidence can indeed be gained, and that the “confidence gap” can be closed. And they write about how that lack of confidence fails women in the work world, leading them to not go after promotions, new jobs, raises, and other opportunities. It’s not because they lack the skills, they often don’t go for it. Why? Because they don’t believe they will succeed.

Researchers have shown that being overconfident will aid you in your success more than being very competent or skilled in your area of expertise. We don’t want to believe this! “Overconfidence can get you far in life,” concludes researcher Cameron Anderson from the University of California at Berkeley. However, faking confidence just does not work.

Perfectionism is another confidence killer. In fact, striving for perfection hinders our performance and productivity.

What are some of the causes of lack of confidence? The researchers say women tend to ruminate over what has gone and worry about future consequences, whereas men have been more indoctrinated into the male competitive world of action more than overthinking things. I wonder if these contribute to the fact that two-thirds of divorces are initiated by women.

Our brains are fairly plastic, and we can learn to be more confident. We can even boost one another’s confidence. For example, researchers told random individuals in a group that they did very well on a previous test. The individuals who received that feedback scored much higher on the next test, showing that confidence can be self-perpetuating.

The choice not to try was one of the biggest reasons that researchers found people didn’t succeed at various tasks. How about your marriage? Do you have confidence in your marriage and in your abilities to succeed? Do you encourage and lift your spouse up and believe in him or her? If you have children or know children, you can clearly see how confidence can affect their performance in school or sports.

Now for a taste of realism: Being confident doesn’t mean that you believe all your problems will disappear, any more than women ignoring the glass ceiling will make it disappear. But most marriage problems can be overcome, and you can do challenging things. Be confident. Be hopeful. Take positive actions to keep your marriage growing together.

Do you agree or disagree with this premise? Why or why not? I admit I would rather success be based on skills and effort than on something so nebulous as confidence. Are you a confident person or do you struggle with it?

Lori Lowe is the author of First Kiss to Lasting Bliss: Hope & Inspiration for Your Marriage. It tells the inspiring, true stories of couples who used adversity to improve their marriages–from overcoming drug addiction to cancer, infidelity, religious differences, and infertility, among many others. It’s available at Amazon.com and in various e-book formats here.

Photo courtesy of morguefile.com