Are there secrets in your partner’s life?

secret lovers sign morguefileMany folks think if you live together, you’re guaranteed to know your partner fully. Not so fast. The New York Post reports more engaged individuals are hiring private investigators to uncover potential secret habits or deal-breakers in their fiancé’s life. Whether you are married or cohabitating, merely living in the same home doesn’t equate to sharing the deepest parts of yourself.

While it may be easier than ever to Google a potential mate or scroll through their social media networks, it’s much more difficult to get to know one another below the surface. The Post reported that many engaged couples hadn’t even discussed financial struggles, debt, or other challenging topics. Only half of couples in interfaith marriages discussed how they planned to raise kids before they married. Many couples who ended up divorced said they didn’t receive honest feedback from their parents about their potential mates; instead they were supported “as long as they were happy.”

One of the downsides to cohabitation, reports clinical psychologist Meg Jay, is that it often gives people the illusion of true intimacy while allowing partners to keep to themselves important pieces of information or parts of themselves. (Isn’t that true in marriage as well?)

“You can chat endlessly about whether they leave dirty laundry on the floor or whether they’ve ever mopped a kitchen floor but having those serious chats about finances or children don’t get any easier just because you both collapse on the same couch at the end of the day,” writes Pamela Paul, author of “The Starter Marriage and the Future of Matrimony.”

Engaged couples can benefit from premarital counseling to ensure they are entering marriage with their eyes wide open, aware of their strengths and challenges.

Whether married or engaged, putting our true selves out there is the only way to achieve intimacy and to feel we are loved for who we are, warts and all. Don’t expect your partner to feel safe about sharing their true selves if you’re unwilling to do it first. Does your partner know your insecurities, current struggles, most difficult choices, regrets, dreams and goals?

Other notes from the article for engaged couples: The more relationships an individual has before marriage, the more likely they are to cheat on a spouse. Having many relationships makes it harder to decide whom to marry. And once married, it can make it harder to be satisfied with the choice of spouse. Read “Marriage-wary singles turning to private eyes before saying ‘I do‘.”

Do you think it’s hard to find the time to really connect with your spouse in the midst of your busy life?

Lori Lowe has been married to her husband, Ming, for 19 years. She is the author of First Kiss to Lasting Bliss: Hope & Inspiration for Your Marriage. It tells the inspiring, true stories of couples who used adversity to improve their marriages–from overcoming drug addiction to cancer, infidelity, religious differences, and infertility, among many others. It’s available at and in various e-book formats here.

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One response to “Are there secrets in your partner’s life?

  1. So very true. The more relationships, the more comparison there is when things aren’t so hot.

    The grass is always greener, as Erma Bombeck once said…over the septic tank.

    And for a marriage, those previous relationships can indeed me a septic tank in which love can be drowned.

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