- 70% of couples who go to a well-trained couples therapist make substantial progress on the problems that bring them to counseling, says Howard Markman, author of Fighting for Your Marriage in this video clip from The Today Show. The key point here is the therapist is well-trained and pro-marriage, and is working to build understanding and reestablish the bond between you, not focusing on your individual needs.
- Couples wait an average of six years with significant problems before seeking help, says well-known marriage researcher Julie Gottman. While patients who have a terminal illness seem medical help immediately, those who see their marriage as potentially terminal drag their feet.
- 80 percent of couples who marry and divorce do so without EVER seeing a marriage counselor. (Don’t blame the high divorce rate on marriage therapists.)
What about the contrarian opinions you’ve heard? If you hear from individuals whose marriages have failed despite seeing a therapist, their complaints are certainly valid. Chances are either one of the spouses was not motivated to make the marriage work, or they were not seeing a therapist who was trained to help them reconnect in a meaningful way. It could be that the offenses (or perceived offenses) were too significant for one spouse to consider staying, such as with serial indelity. If you know of couples who have had a positive experience with a therapist, that’s a great reference for you to consider if you are looking for a good therapist.
What is the therapists’ role? A marriage therapist is a neutral, confidential party who will help you fight for your marriage and hopefully will help you both see the relationship and one another in a new light. They should assist you with how to move forward in a more positive, meaningful way.
When should a therapist be sought? Expert Patricia Love, PhD, says at the earliest signs of resentment or when one partner has a withdrawal of interest or energy in the relationship. In other words, when you don’t care what your partner has to say, or you don’t prefer to spend your time with him or her. If you have to ask if your problems are severe enough to seek a counselor, that should give you a hint that your relationship could use a boost. Dr. Love advises couples always go together to counseling if at all possible, because a therapist can’t build a bond with only one of you there.
How about before problems arise? Experts suggest marriage education classes and weekends are strongly encouraged as a form of regular care and maintenance for your marriage. In other words, you may want to seek tips and advice before you have a serious problem. Preventive care may be the most effective kind of marriage help yet.
Have you heard any other statistics on the effectiveness of marital counseling? Or are your views influenced by a personal experience?
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