Choose to Love

The movie, Fireproof, leads a disastrous marriage down a triumphant path through a series of selfless acts, which are detailed in the spinoff book, The Love Dare. The husband’s father dares him to perform specific acts of love for a period of time rather than give up on his marriage, which appears to be doomed. The perspective being offered is that it only takes one person making small changes with a loving heart to improve a marriage dramatically. If spouses are focused on the faults of the other person, they miss the point.

Even if your marriage is not on thin ice like the couple’s in the movie, give some thought to whether or not you frequently keep score in your head, i.e. I did that nice thing, now it’s his turn. Or, I always plan vacations and don’t feel appreciated, so I’m not doing it anymore. I once had a friend who kept score of how many chores she and her husband each performed; they are now divorced.

When an unsatisfied store customer asks to see the manager, imagine if the manager argued back that the customer was wrong. The store would lose sales. But when the manager apologizes and meets or exceeds the customer’s expectations, the customer will likely maintain the relationship with the store. The next time your spouse issues a complaint, instead of becoming defensive, try to act like the manager and listen to your spouse to see if you can resolve the issue. And the next time you want to blurt out something nasty or critical to your spouse, think about whether you could say it in a nicer way—or hold your tongue.

Given how busy we all are with work, church, school, homes and children, it’s almost unfair that you are asked to make time to do even small, loving acts for your spouse. If your relationship is like most couples, its priority level has been pushed down a few notches. Realize that you are not just doing it for your spouse, but for yourself and your children, and as an investment in your future. I’ve found in my personal experience and in my interviews with successful couples, feelings follow actions. So, if you’re just not feeling the love today, do it anyway! Choose to behave lovingly, and your feelings will follow. Your spouse may take notice, but even if he or she doesn’t, choose loving actions anyway.

One of my interviewees (who has overcome an addiction and his wife’s life-threatening illness) says he realized it’s the small things that please his wife, like saying something nice in an e-mail. “It’s nothing extraordinary like leaving a trail of petals to the bedroom filled with a thousand candles. We let each other know we’re thinking of the other and that we really care,” he says.

Brainstorm 5 things you could do in less than 10 minutes. Then act on one thing. Do you believe one person can begin to change a marriage, or does it take two?

For information about Fireproof the movie or The Love Dare, visit:

3 responses to “Choose to Love

  1. I love your latest blog. We also had friends who kept score. If the husband played golf, the wife would immediately schedule her time off on the
    calendar and would make sure she was gone for the same amount of time. They are now divorced, too. When I was first married, I remember thinking that it was ridiculous to thank my husband for doing something like washing the dishes because I do it all the time and usually don’t get thanked. How naive I was. I always thank him for doing anything that helps me out, even when it means saying it 10 times a night. I hear it from him more often now in return. I do believe that the generous actions of one person given consistently and lovingly will absolutely bring positive change to a relationship, whether it is a marriage, a sibling relationship or friendship.

  2. I believe that a marriage can be saved by doing the small things most of the time. It is really worth trying to follow these easy suggestions to see what wonderful results come forth.

    I think a good marrige is one where each partner is more concerned with what they are doing/contributing vs. what the other one is not doing/contributing. Ken and I are both guilty of pointing fingers and that is a hard road to take. Our marrige is happiest when we are looking at our own actions, while accepting eachother, unconditionally. NOT EASY! So worth it!!
    But, if go into it with the attitude of ” I gave up my tennis date, so that he could stay late at work and he didn’t even notice” IT WON’T WORK!
    If you’re still expecting something in return, that is keeping score. Just do it because you love him/her and that intention alone can tear down walls.
    Thank you for your blog Lori.

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