Tag Archives: reduce fighting in marriage

Minimizing the Combat Zone in Your Marriage

man woman on beach morguefileWe all have our negative patterns in marriage that may be based on our personality tendencies and our common reactions to one another. I found a recent New York Times article that provided some helpful hints for avoiding the “combat zone” or at least minimizing it.

Counselors teach conflict resolution skills and better communication skills, because they know sometimes the way we react or even phrase something can make a big difference in the outcome of what can become a heated conversation. Conflict isn’t always to be avoided; in fact, it can help bring us closer when used appropriately. So, here are the tips from Bruce Feiler who wrote “Lessons in Domestic Diplomacy” for the NYT:

  1. Beware of the transitions in your day. The times when people are either coming or going are the source of the biggest fights within families, say researchers. For example, getting yourselves and/or your children ready to head out the door, or coming in after a long day of work, wondering what will be for dinner and who will be making it. These are the vulnerable times. The “most highly charged” time of day was between 6 p.m. and 8 p.m. So, give one another a bit of space and time and don’t bring up difficult topics until things are calm.
  2. Sit at the same level, with the same posture. This is important, particularly if one partner tends to adopt a “power position” i.e. in a higher chair, standing over the other, or with laced fingertips behind the head and feet up. Higher positions create elevated testosterone, reduced cortisol and increased feelings of superiority.  On the flip side, sometimes a spouse adopts a frequent “lower position” i.e. slumped, slouched, or arms crossed. Instead, sit alongside your spouse in your discussions.
  3. Select your seating surface well. Researchers found when people sit on a soft, cushioned chair, they are more accommodating and generous, while those who sat on a hard wooden chair were more rigid and inflexible.
  4. Go to the balcony. When things begin to escalate, imagine in your mind that you are on a balcony overlooking your interaction, suggests Bill Ury, founder of a Harvard program on peace negotiations. From the “balcony” you can see the macro view, calm yourself down, and see alternatives that you might not see if you didn’t disengage. Often there are other alternatives you haven’t considered. “The goal is to expand the pie before dividing it,” says Ury.
  5. Keep it short. The most important points in an argument are found in the opening minutes. After that, it’s just repetition and escalation. So say what you need to say, then take a short break or walk to prevent the escalation.
  6. Avoid saying “you always” and “you never.” In fact, switch from “you” to “we” so that you don’t sound so accusatory.
  7. Say you’re sorry, and most importantly, take responsibility for your choices/actions, even if you aren’t feeling very sorry during the argument.

What tips do you have to keep your disagreements from creating divisions in your family?

Lori Lowe is the author of First Kiss to Lasting Bliss: Hope & Inspiration for Your Marriage. It tells the inspiring, true stories of couples who used adversity to improve their marriages–from overcoming drug addiction to cancer, infidelity, religious differences, family interference and infertility, among many others. It’s available at Amazon.com and in various e-book formats here.

Money Help: Just in time for Valentine’s Day

Couples today are often more comfortable talking about sex than money—and they may be more compatible sexually than financially. Creating budgets and living within your means may not seem romantic, but new research (yes, I’m all about research) may convince you that the state of your financial affairs directly and profoundly impacts your love life.

If this subject has been on your marriage’s back burner, think about scheduling time with your sweetie in the next month to discuss your financial goals and outstanding debt, and to agree on upcoming expenses. My blogging pal, Brad Chaffee at EnemyofDebt.com, is offering some useful tools to help you get your financial house in order at Manage Your Money.

Why should you care about money in your marriage? First, you can reduce the number of disagreements you have by setting and using a budget. Second, you can improve the happiness in your marriage by reducing debt and living simply. If you don’t believe me, listen to the experts:

A study just released by Matt Bell and Synavate concludes that couples who use a budget are less likely to have financial fights. Nearly 40% of married couples say they argue about money, but when they have a budget, those disagreements go down by 11%. The financial topics most married couples argue about are spending (49%), debt (33%) savings (26%), investing (15%) and donating (10%). Stop fighting and start making joint decisions about these matters.

The New York Times reports couples burdened with credit card debt are more likely to experience marital difficulty. The newspaper reported on the research of Jeffrey Dew of the National Marriage Project. Dew’s report Bank On It: Thrifty Couples are the Happiest says “consumer debt plays a powerful role in eroding the quality of married life.” While assets solidify ties between spouses and protect against divorce, debt puts a strain on all marriages, whether they have high or low incomes. If one perceives his or her spouse of not handling money well, lower happiness is rated in the marriage. And viewing one’s spouse as a foolish spender increases odds of divorce by 45%.

Dew says money fights last longer and escalate higher than other topics, and men tend to take financial conflict particularly hard. That may be why he says financial conflict predicts divorce better than other types of disagreement. The good news is that the American recession has made debt-reduction and savings-accumulation chic again, and resources abound. It’s up to you to use the tools available. “Clearly, money matters play a crucial role in shaping the quality and stability of married life in the U.S.,” says Dew. “In particularly, couples who are wise enough to steer clear of materialism and consumer debt are much more likely to enjoy connubial bliss.”

Read the next post once you have decided to pursue financial freedom.

 How about it, ready to talk green to preserve your marital harmony? Or it just too hard to face those mounting credit card bills?