Tag Archives: marriage tips

Think of your sweetie, and boost your mood

love on hand by David Castillo Dominici freedigitalphotos.netWhen you spend time thinking about your romantic partner/spouse, your body chemistry is positively impacted, say researchers from Western University.

Study participants got a boost in blood sugar/glucose levels by just thinking of their partner, giving them a boost in energy and happiness. It wasn’t just people in the early stages of young romance who experienced these benefits; long-term relationships and marriages benefited as well.

If we think about our romantic partner, we get a boost in glucose and a boost in our mood. And those who get a boost of glucose are the ones feeling really happy, explains psychology researcher Sarah Stanton. The researchers call the effect eustress, positive, euphoric stress.

Stanton explains, “It seems that no matter how long you’ve been with your partner or how happy you are or how old you are, if you think about them … you can still get that little stress response.”

These results are added to findings that thoughts about love stimulate cortisol and bring health benefits.

I wonder if the researchers considered only happy relationships in this study, because it seems couples who are having difficulty may not be able to get this easy boost. For example, if thinking of your partner reminds you of your most recent argument, it may negate the eustress effect.

However, it seems like good news that a zero-calorie, zero-side effect method could bring about these pleasant results, at least for many couples. Give it a try, focusing on positive aspects of your spouse, and see if you agree.

Read the last post about how letting glucose levels fall can impact your relationship.

Lori Lowe has been married to her husband, Ming, for more than 18 years. She is the author of First Kiss to Lasting Bliss: Hope & Inspiration for Your Marriage. It tells the inspiring, true stories of couples who used adversity to improve their marriages–from overcoming drug addiction to cancer, infidelity, religious differences, and infertility, among many others. It’s available at Amazon.com and in various e-book formats here.
Photo courtesy of morguefile.com

Feeling hangry? Snacking may protect your marriage.

goat cheese morguefileIf it seems like your sweetheart is crankier before meals than after, it is not your imagination. Research has now proven what my husband already knows, that being “hangry” (hungry and angry) is a real thing.

Researchers from The Ohio State University and the University of Kentucky tested the blood glucose levels of married couples for 21 days. They had the couples secretly stick pins in a voodoo doll of their spouse each evening (up to 51 pins, depending on how peeved they were feeling). The spouses who measured lowest in glucose levels (bottom 25 percent) placed more than twice as many pins in their spouse voodoo doll as those who measured in the highest 25 percent.

Researchers followed up this oh-so-scientific voodoo doll experiment with a computer game for the spouses. The spouses played the game in separate rooms, and the winner was allowed to blast their spouse with unpleasant noise as loudly and for as long as they wanted. Once again, the partners who had lower average glucose levels were more aggressive, playing louder and longer noises than partners who had higher glucose levels.

Why do glucose levels affect our behavior so directly? Researchers explain that glucose gives our brains the energy to control itself. When glucose levels drop, it’s harder to control anger and hostility. Your brain consumes about 20 percent of your calories, despite making up only 2 percent of your body weight.

If you find yourselves arguing or bickering, be sure you aren’t letting your glucose levels fall too much. And if you have a sensitive topic to discuss, by all means, eat first. It may help protect your marriage by minimizing hostility and anger.

For people who have a greater tendency toward getting hangry (you know who you are), carry a healthy snack in your bag or car. Your stomach, and your spouse, will thank you.

Source: Health magazine’s Sept. 2014 issue

Lori Lowe has been married to her husband, Ming, for more than 18 years. She is the author of First Kiss to Lasting Bliss: Hope & Inspiration for Your Marriage. It tells the inspiring, true stories of couples who used adversity to improve their marriages–from overcoming drug addiction to cancer, infidelity, religious differences, and infertility, among many others. It’s available at Amazon.com and in various e-book formats here.
Photo courtesy of morguefile.com

Is your spouse different from the person you married?

wedding ring moreguefileYou’ve seen it in the movies, and maybe even felt it in real life. “S/he is not the person I married,” which is supposed to excuse you from your wedding vows and cause you to go in search of some one more “in sync” with you. I think that is why my blog post “We all married the wrong person” is still the most popular post to date with many thousands of readers. It’s because at some point, most married people wonder if they chose the right partner.

But unless you married a goldfish, the person you married is a distant reflection of the individual who is living and breathing and changing before you each day. Hopefully you are both growing and changing together, rather than living stagnant lives. It should keep things more interesting knowing you are not coming home to the same person year after year, but a person who is developing new interests, changing roles through various life stages, and adapting to changing circumstances. Even if you are not doing it purposefully, you are both indeed changing, and are different from those younger versions of yourselves that expressed your wedding vows.

Matt Walsh captured these thoughts beautifully in his recent blog post My wife is not the same woman that I married.

We’re still young and we’re still growing, and our experiences might very well pale in comparison to yours, but I have learned at least one thing from all of this: that guy was right — my wife isn’t the same person that I married. When I met her she was a 22-year-old college student. Now she’s a 27-year-old mother of two. Sure she still has the same DNA, the same biological identity, and she’s still the kind of girl who can appreciate a good beer and a fart joke. But she’s not the same. That’s because I married a human being, not a mannequin. I said my vows to a person, not a computer program.

Check out the rest of Matt’s poignant post, and reflect on how your marriage has changed over the years, whether it’s been only a few years or decades down the line. When I think of the naive young lady I was when I married my college sweetheart, I shake my head a little. However, I’m confident that I did make the right choice nearly 20 years ago. The other thing I’m confident about is that we will be quite different in 10 or 20 more years, as our children grow into young adults and leave the nest. Rather than dreaming about a better life with someone different, we dream about our future life together.

Are you sharing your hopes and dreams, reminiscing about your past, and laughing together about the mistakes you made along the way? What is something you were surprised to learn about your spouse?

Lori Lowe has been married to her husband, Ming, for more than 18 years. She is the author of First Kiss to Lasting Bliss: Hope & Inspiration for Your Marriage. It tells the inspiring, true stories of couples who used adversity to improve their marriages–from overcoming drug addiction to cancer, infidelity, religious differences, and infertility, among many others. It’s available at Amazon.com and in various e-book formats here.

Photo courtesy of morguefile.com

How to keep a daily connection in your marriage

canoe morguefile

One of the most common reasons given for marriage failures is that the spouses “drifted apart.” The truth is drifting comes very naturally. As William Doherty describes in his book Take Back Your Marriage, marriage is like launching a canoe in the Mississippi River at St.Paul; if you don’t paddle, it goes south. And if two people are in the canoe, you have to both paddle.

As you’re floating along, chances are that one of you will become concerned about marital drift, he explains. One of you may comment on fewer long talks, less quality time together, or less sex. “For some couples, these complaints are a call to start paddling more vigorously. For other couples, the complaints lead to unpleasant arguments that lead to greater distance. But even when we are inspired to try harder, the extra work on our marriage tends to be short lived—sustained for days or weeks at best—and then we resume our slow drift south.”

While this issue is not due to lack of love or good intentions, couples in this situation often lack a plan for taking back their marriage. Of the plethora of marriage books I have read and/or have on my shelves, Take Back Your Marriage is one of my top picks, because this situation is SO VERY COMMON. If this is your situation, realize this is normal, but solvable.  

To keep your marriage from drifting, make time for it, and give it sustained effort. Remember, if you’re not paddling, you’re going south. Ask yourself these questions:

  1. Are you spending time together? Do you go to church together, have meals together, and talk together? Do you make time for regular dates (it could be a morning walk or lunch date, not just an evening out)? You don’t have to spend all your time together, as long as you are spending some dedicated time and activities you enjoy with one another.
  2. Are you taking your partner for granted? Work is important. Kids are important. Chores have to be done. And on and on. But if you aren’t making time for your partner, they won’t feel appreciated.
  3. Are you absorbed in TV, internet and/or your phone? Media, especially in the bedroom, can come between you. All the research confirms that TVs should be left out of the bedrooms. Take the ipad and computer out while you’re at it. (If you can’t do it, that proves my point.)
  4. Are you focused on what you are getting out of your marriage? This consumer mentality can lead to problems.
  5. Do the people you spend time around support your marriage and family? Outside influences can contribute to drifting. This includes people who are more focused on “your happiness” than on your marriage.
  6. Are you focused on material things rather than relationships? The best things in life are free, but you can lose them by focusing on things instead of people.
  7. Are you making an effort to be kind to your spouse when he or she calls, or make/purchase a food or beverage they enjoy, or offer other gestures of kindness? Read If you want a happier marriage be generous. Do you help make their life easier not because you expect them to return the favor, but because you want them to be happy?
  8. Are you showing affection toward one another? Are you happy to see each other? Do you touch, kiss and enjoy sex together? These are important forms of connection.
  9. Are you dedicating all of your time to your children? Parents need to determine how much time children need, keeping in mind those children also need the stability of the family and the marriage. To read more about this, check out Putting kids first harms families.
  10. Are you sharing your true self with your partner—your hopes, dreams, desires, fears?

Couples may have issues with some of these, but that doesn’t mean your marriage is doomed. The key is to build on your strengths and to soften the impact of your weaknesses, says Doherty, especially times of stress. When marriage counseling is needed, select a qualified therapist that will help you fight for the marriage. “A good therapist, a brave therapist, will be the last one in the room willing to give up on a marriage,” says Doherty. Unfortunately, it’s not uncommon for a counselor to delve into why you’re unhappy or to even recommend a separation or divorce. Choose carefully.

Read: What’s a pro-marriage counselor and how do I find one?

How do you keep a positive daily connection in your marriage? Share your tips, especially for busy couples!

Lori Lowe has been married to her husband, Ming, for more than 18 years. She is the author of First Kiss to Lasting Bliss: Hope & Inspiration for Your Marriage. It tells the inspiring, true stories of couples who used adversity to improve their marriages–from overcoming drug addiction to cancer, infidelity, religious differences, and infertility, among many others. It’s available at Amazon.com and in various e-book formats here.

Photo courtesy of morguefile.com

Marriage . . . in retrospect

Thanks to Regi Campbell, author and married for 45 years, for the following guest post:

I read where Ronald Wayne, one of the co-founders of Apple Computer, sold his 10% interest in the company for $800 only a week or so after it was started. What turned out to be worth $5 billion was traded away for what most people pay for a month’s rent. Wayne later said he made “the best decision with the information available to me at the time”.

In retrospect, no one can imagine throwing away a fortune for a mere $800. But in retrospect, a lot of things look different don’t they?

Take marriage for example.

We go into it fueled by infatuation with visions of perfect companions slicing and dicing through the stages of life. We see wonderful sex, lots of money, little kids pretty and perfect with a ton of friends cheering us on.

But sometime in the first few years, reality bites. She’s not as crazy about you as she once was. His kindness has been replaced by an angry tone. Money is tighter than you ever imagined . . . things happen you didn’t plan for and cash is drained away in chunks. Friends feel more like magnets pulling you apart than pushing you together. And if there’s a kid, your joy is joined by the weight of responsibility the first night he’s sick and you don’t know what to do.

In retrospect, you see things you didn’t think about. You didn’t date long enough to see how she responded to stress. You didn’t plan for all these expenses. You didn’t realize how tired she’d be after working all day and how that would affect her interest in you at bedtime. You didn’t think it would be this hard to birth a kid and keep it fed, dry and quiet. And maybe you didn’t think she would show up on your ‘radar screen’. . . the perfect girl who has none of the issues your wife has. You didn’t think he would ever come back into your life and say “I was wrong, we were meant for each other, leave him and let’s pick up where we left off.”

Thousands, no millions, of couples hit one of these ‘walls’ in marriage. After 45 years and hitting most of these at one time or another, I offer three suggestions learned from experience for moving beyond them.

1. Visualize yourself at future points in time and look backward. ‘In retrospect’. In screenwriting, the main character is revealed by what he does, not by what he says. If you’re twenty-eight, visualize yourself at thirty-eight. “Is what I’ll be giving up by divorcing my wife the very thing I’ll want when I’m ten years older? Do I want to be ‘that guy’ at thirty-eight? At forty-eight? At fifty-eight?” Who has divorced his wife and become a better man as a result? Which of my divorced friends has become my hero? Who’s remarried ‘perfection’ and now lives the ‘wrinkle-free’ life?

2. Think with your head, not with your heart. “The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it?” says Jeremiah. The word ‘heart’ can be swapped for the word “desires”. Our desires are deceitful. They can be really sick and hard to understand. Our appetites can lead us to decisions that damage our health, wealth and stability. When emotions get involved . . . things like love and lust and acceptance and shame and anger, we can talk ourselves into and out of most anything. Don’t do it. Don’t let your ‘heart’ convince you of things your ‘head’ knows are false. Find a couple of friends you respect. Tell them where you are and where you’re headed. Let them talk you off the ledge.

3. Stress is always derived from deadlines. When we’re patient and not in a hurry, stress is low. But when we want what we want and we want it now, stress goes through the roof. It’s a proven fact that when our emotional level goes up, our functioning level goes down. We make poorer decisions, some of which we’ll regret in retrospect. Visualize future seasons of married life when you’ll have more money, older kids, and less testosterone. Think about how your tenacity will someday inform your kids. Divorcing your husband informs the children a different way. It gives them permission to divorce. Never forget that.

It’s been said that marriage is the full-length mirror where we see our selfishness. None of us want to hear that in the ‘here and now’. But in retrospect, I see my temptations around marriage and divorce were motivated by my selfishness. Don’t give in to it.

4. Think long-term. Give yourself and your wife and your God time. In retrospect, we feel good about ourselves when we do the right thing. I knew the ‘right thing’ was to stick it out, to invest in my marriage even when it was hard. In retrospect, I’m so glad I didn’t ‘sell out’ my marriage early on for what I now know to be ‘chump change’.

Regi Campbell is a serial entrepreneur, one-time Georgia “Entrepreneur of the Year” in Technology and author of three books including most recently What Radical Husbands Do: 12 Steps to Win and Keep Your Wife’s Heart. Campbell has been married for 45 years to Miriam Campbell, is a father of two and grandfather of five. During the last 13 years, he has mentored 104 young business executives to live out the gospel in their marriages and the workplace. You can find his new book at http://www.radicalhusbands.com.

I’ll be giving away one free copy of Regi’s book. If you are interested in learning 12 steps to win and keep your wife’s heart, please leave a brief comment. Have any readers been married for longer than 45 years? Can you imagine your marriage being strong after 45 years? Let’s hope so.

Confidence can impact your marital success

confident woman morguefileA growing body of evidence shows how devastating a lack of confidence can be. “Success, it turns out, correlates just as closely with confidence as it does with competence,” say Katty Kay and Claire Shipman, authors of The Confidence Gap, written for The Atlantic’s April edition.

I believe confidence also has a great deal to do with the success of our marriages. That’s one reason why I don’t like to read the (often false or misleading) divorce statistics. It leads young marrieds to thinking they are so unlikely to succeed that they shouldn’t even believe in themselves and their union.

But you know what it means to have someone believe in you, don’t you? Maybe it was a coach or teacher or parent. You know what it’s like to cheer someone else on even in the face of despair or difficulty. You know the difference that it makes to root someone on and to believe they will succeed.

Kay and Shipman have researched and written about the gap in confidence that has been found between men and women in the work world, to the detriment of women’s advancement. They share their own struggles and doubts with professional confidence (despite their impressive experience and credentials). They conclude that confidence can indeed be gained, and that the “confidence gap” can be closed. And they write about how that lack of confidence fails women in the work world, leading them to not go after promotions, new jobs, raises, and other opportunities. It’s not because they lack the skills, they often don’t go for it. Why? Because they don’t believe they will succeed.

Researchers have shown that being overconfident will aid you in your success more than being very competent or skilled in your area of expertise. We don’t want to believe this! “Overconfidence can get you far in life,” concludes researcher Cameron Anderson from the University of California at Berkeley. However, faking confidence just does not work.

Perfectionism is another confidence killer. In fact, striving for perfection hinders our performance and productivity.

What are some of the causes of lack of confidence? The researchers say women tend to ruminate over what has gone and worry about future consequences, whereas men have been more indoctrinated into the male competitive world of action more than overthinking things. I wonder if these contribute to the fact that two-thirds of divorces are initiated by women.

Our brains are fairly plastic, and we can learn to be more confident. We can even boost one another’s confidence. For example, researchers told random individuals in a group that they did very well on a previous test. The individuals who received that feedback scored much higher on the next test, showing that confidence can be self-perpetuating.

The choice not to try was one of the biggest reasons that researchers found people didn’t succeed at various tasks. How about your marriage? Do you have confidence in your marriage and in your abilities to succeed? Do you encourage and lift your spouse up and believe in him or her? If you have children or know children, you can clearly see how confidence can affect their performance in school or sports.

Now for a taste of realism: Being confident doesn’t mean that you believe all your problems will disappear, any more than women ignoring the glass ceiling will make it disappear. But most marriage problems can be overcome, and you can do challenging things. Be confident. Be hopeful. Take positive actions to keep your marriage growing together.

Do you agree or disagree with this premise? Why or why not? I admit I would rather success be based on skills and effort than on something so nebulous as confidence. Are you a confident person or do you struggle with it?

Lori Lowe is the author of First Kiss to Lasting Bliss: Hope & Inspiration for Your Marriage. It tells the inspiring, true stories of couples who used adversity to improve their marriages–from overcoming drug addiction to cancer, infidelity, religious differences, and infertility, among many others. It’s available at Amazon.com and in various e-book formats here.

Photo courtesy of morguefile.com

Avoid these 3 hindrances to contentment in marriage

Are you making one of these three common mistakes in your marriage? Most of us do at least some of the time.

A recent article by Simple Marriage’s Corey Allen, PhD, delved into the Art of Contentment, which can be a lifelong process. (Read the full article here.) Three tips to help you aim for contentment are actually three things not to do:

1. Don’t compete.
2. Don’t complain.
3. Don’t compare.

Competing doesn’t refer to the athletic sort, but rather competing for attention or affection from those around you. Are you trying to be better than those around you so you can win more love and affection? Instead, be your genuine self. “I’m going to make a bet that your husband doesn’t want a pseudo or fake version of you—he wants you. After all, he’s likely been with you through life’s experiences thus far,” explains Corey.

Complaining is one of the most common obstacles to contentment, along with its close cousin, nagging. A person who complains frequently becomes more negative, more pessimistic, and often spirals down. Their personality and joy go down the tubes. See if you can go even one day or one week without complaining. An important point Corey makes is that not complaining does not mean you don’t address issues that need to be addressed. It just means you stop complaining about them.

Comparing yourself or your possessions or your opinions with others is another joy-taker. Instead of comparing, be happy with who you are and what you bring to the world.

“Creating a life of contentment, gratification and confidence is the best way possible to discover your passion and share it with the world,” says Corey.

I’ve written past posts to help with cultivating gratitude, which as shown through research to increase happiness in marriage and in life. Read this post about why expressing gratitude can be a big boost for your marriage.

In my next post, I will address the issue of confidence and how that affects success in life and in marriage.

What do you think keeps you from feeling contentment in your life and marriage? Does your immediate response lead you to a complaint or comparison? Are there other issues you struggle with?

Lori Lowe is the author of First Kiss to Lasting Bliss: Hope & Inspiration for Your Marriage. It tells the inspiring, true stories of couples who used adversity to improve their marriages–from overcoming drug addiction to cancer, infidelity, religious differences, and infertility, among many others. It’s available at Amazon.com and in various e-book formats here.