Tag Archives: marriage myths

Divorce Rates are Declining, and Why Stats are Overrated

One of the biggest myths I frequently hear reported is that half of all marriages end in divorce. Analysts at McCrindle Research report that the divorce rate is one in three, not one in two.  “Marriages are actually doing better these days and the divorce rates are declining and have been for more than 30 years,” says social analyst Mark McCrindle.

The “one in two marriages will fail” is an example of a myth perpetuated by careless reporting of statistics. McCrindle says myths become accepted because the numbers give them “an element of believability.”

What harm is there to believing incorrect facts about marriage? Plenty. Couples enter marriage with lower expectations when they hear divorce rates of 50 percent and higher. Some decide it’s not even worth the risk of marriage, because they fear divorce is inevitable. I hear many young people questioning why they would get married when they lived through a family breakdown and/or hear the difficult odds of marital success. And others decide not to fight for their marriage or commit during difficulties, because they don’t believe they will succeed “against the odds.” Incorrect stats can therefore lead to lower marriage rates and higher divorce rates.

Research was carried out by the Australian Bureau of Statistics-based research to disprove five commonly accepted, but incorrect assumptions often heard in daily life. Two of the assumptions related to marriage. Other than the divorce rate, the other myth relates to the “seven-year itch” when people believe most divorces occur. In fact, researchers say divorce comes after an average of 12.3 years. To read about the other myths, read the Herald Sun article here.

Keep in mind that “on average” means that many last longer, and many don’t last as long. If many couples divorce in the first year, that brings the average marriage length way down. If a “median” is reported, that means half of the cases fall above this time period, and half fall below it. It doesn’t mean that time period for divorce is the most frequent.

 The U.S. Census reports that roughly one in five adults has ever been divorced.

What’s the point?

The takeaway is read/share your data with a skeptical eye, and to not perpetuate myths like “half of all marriages end in divorce.” Plenty of people complain about the difficulties of marriage, but if you have a strong marriage, don’t be shy about encouraging others. Be a positive voice for marriage where you work, in your church, in your home, and your words will have a ripple effect. Share blog posts with a couple who might find them helpful, along with a short email. Or consider mentoring a younger couple if you have a strong marriage.

If you know a couple who is planning to get married, realize that they are hearing many negative comments about the odds of their eventual success. Counter that with loving comments and positivity. No couple wants to be a part of a statistic; they want to know their union is unique and celebrated.

Lori Lowe is the author of First Kiss to Lasting Bliss: Hope & Inspiration for Your Marriage. The book tells the true stories that demonstrate that marriage can thrive even in the most difficult circumstances. Learn from 12 inspiring couples who experienced child loss, infidelity, drug addiction, cancer, financial crises, brain injury, stranger rape, military service, infertility, opposing religions, unsupportive families, interracial relationships, raising special-needs children, and much more. These couples found the pressures of life didn’t destroy them; instead, they crystallized their commitment to each other. Available from Amazon.com or at your favorite e-book retailer.

Photo by Photostock courtesy of Freedigitalphotos.net.

The Biggest Marriage Myth of All and How it Could Ruin Your Relationship

Last week, I talked about Five Marriage Myths shared by Scott Haltzman, M.D., in the Secrets of Happily Married Women. The last myth was the biggee, and I wanted to devote a full post to it. Dr. Haltzman says, “assuming infidelity, violence or addiction are not the problem, marriage myth 5, above all others, is the greatest cause of unhappiness in marriage.

Myth 5: If your marriage makes you unhappy, the best solution is to get out. 

Dr. Haltzman says a Centers for Disease Control poll from 2006 showed 44 percent of men and 50 percent of women agreed with the above statement. It seems odd to me (and to many who are committed to marriage) that “get out” would be the best solution to being unhappy when there are so many causes of unhappiness and so many possible solutions. Of course, most couples don’t take divorce lightly, but the point is it’s not seen as a last resort. Don’t look at an “unhappy marriage” as an unchangeable situation.

The good doctor (a psychologist and a marriage therapist with more than twenty years of experience) goes on to report that the top three reasons cited by women who initiate divorce (and let’s face it, women initiate two-thirds of divorces) are 1) gradual growing apart, 2) serious differences in lifestyle and/or values, and 3) not feeling loved or appreciated by my husband.

These seem like big problems on the surface, but Dr. Haltzman and many other marriage experts assert that these are most certainly solvable problems. Taking the first problem first, it’s very likely that we will all have periods where we are closer and periods where we have drifted. That’s the nature of our growth and development as individuals. As one spouse grows in one direction, the other doesn’t necessarily follow the same path or exact course. However, even after drifting apart, a couple who is committed to one another can drift back together with effort.

The second problem (differences in values or lifestyle) can be more severe when the differences relate to drug or alcohol abuse, but he says the majority of couples are not talking about this kind of a severe problem or destructive behavior (which can certainly be justifiable reasons to leave). More often, he says it’s related to how the couple spends money or raises the kids, issues that have many gray areas of disagreement. In these sort of cases, the couple (perhaps with help) may need to listen and learn the basis for one another’s concerns and ideas, see things from one another’s perspectives, learn to compromise more and pick their battles.

On the issue of not feeling loved, “They walk away from marriage because they are no longer feeling happy about the relationship,” says Dr. Haltzman, who adds this category falls under the definition of no-fault divorce. “These feelings are true and honest expressions of personal distress—but…they’re no reason to break the marriage vows,” he says. Instead, it’s often an opportunity to grow and develop with your spouse to create a stronger, happier marriage. There may be a time when a couple needs to focus on the indirect benefits of marriage—such as family security, social comfort, financial advantage, a safe sexual partner, etc., while they work on their marriage. Often, especially when the wife takes the lead, the spark returns while they are both focusing on the positive aspects of their relationship.

Remember our spouse can’t “make us” happy, but we can each take responsibility for creating a positive environment in our marriage and supporting one another as often as possible. Search for something to make you and your spouse feel happy today, then make it a priority. It could be something as simple as a walk together around your own garden, or something as elaborate as a planning a special event or trip for the two of you.

Related Post:

I recently came across a series of articles in Psychology Today by Rachel Clark starting with How I got my ex back—the story of a marriage that reconciled after she read the research on the effects of divorce, followed by part 2 She Blinded Me with Science. Rachel’s experience shows that even after infidelity and divorce occur, there can be hope to reconcile a family. She also conveys why knowledge of the effects of divorce is so important to pass along, since it was strong enough to convince both her and her ex that they had made a huge mistake, but one they worked hard to correct.

 Photo courtesy of Stockvault by Boris A. Nesterov

 

Mind Your Marriage Manners

Do you find yourself using your manners more at work and the grocery store than at home? Respectful and courteous behavior has slipped in many “modern” marriages. It’s probably not purposeful; you just get so close to a person you don’t think these niceties are necessary any more.

They are.

Do you sometimes think your spouse would never talk to anyone else the way s/he sometimes talks to you? Perhaps your partner feels the same way. That’s not how it was when you were courting and trying to impress one another—holding doors, saying thank-you for dinner, and giving your undivided attention even if your favorite TV show was on.

Maybe you’ve gotten just a little too comfortable with your relationship if you rarely make yourself presentable at home and “please” and “thanks, honey” rarely pass your lips there.

A great benefit to marriage is that the household work is divided between two people. Maybe one person works more outside the home and one more inside the home, but both probably contribute in multiple ways from shopping to mowing the lawn, child care, car maintenance, paying bills and cooking meals. Imagine all the extra responsibilities you would have if your spouse wasn’t there, and make sure to thank him or her for the things regularly done for the family. I know I appreciate it when my husband realizes I’m the reason he never runs out of clean underwear.  Pretend you’re talking to a friend, to whom you’d normally say “Thanks for listening to me talk about my tough day,” or “Thanks for a great dinner.” Don’t take the little things for granted, because they can lead to resentment.

It should go without saying that using manners with children is also important. Children model what they see.

If you thought manners were only for stuffy people, you might be surprised about these Top 10 Myths of Marriage, for instance Myth #3 “They keys to long-term marital success are good luck and romantic love.” What myths most surprise you?