Tag Archives: lifelong marriage

Researchers find a huge advantage to friendship in marriage

happy young couple morguefileMore benefits to being married have been revealed, especially if you’re married to your best friend. The National Bureau of Economic Research has found more reasons to get and stay married—and they don’t all have to do with economics.

Their findings suggest that marrying your best friend can give you greater life satisfaction and help you navigate the stresses of life, cushioning the difficult periods. The economists controlled for pre-marriage happiness levels to separate the issues of whether marrying actually makes people happier or whether happier people are more likely to marry. They found the former was true.

People who are married are happier and more satisfied with their lives on average than are people who stay single. This is especially true during times of stress, such as during a midlife crisis.

They confirmed that college educated individuals with higher incomes are more likely to get and stay married (we knew that). Researchers further added that married couples gain family stability, financial stability, higher happiness levels and lower stress.

Happiness levels were maintained long-term, not just immediately after the marriage, particularly when couples found friendship as well as love in their marriage. As marriage has changed in recent decades, spouses have broadened their roles from merely economic and social partnerships and have become friends and companions as well as lovers. The researchers found the benefits of marital friendship were greatest during middle age, when demands of career and family are high and life satisfaction tends to ebb.

Some interesting conclusions:
*Individuals who consider their spouse to be their best friend get about twice as much life satisfaction from marriage as others.

*Women benefit more from being married to their best friend, but men are more likely to call their wife their best friend.

Being married to your best friend may be a wonderful way to keep life’s stressors at bay for the long haul. Positive long-term relationships, especially marriage, can help buoy us in troubled times. Unfortunately those for whom marriage seems out of reach (financially or culturally) may be at an even greater disadvantage in life, making the bumps in the road feel that much harder. The economists wrote that those whose lives are the most difficult would benefit the most from marriage.

Read more in the New York Times: “Study Finds More Reasons to Get and Stay Married.”

Cultivate not just the love in your marriage, but also your friendship with your spouse as you grow older together. And if you’re married to your best friend, count yourself fortunate and give your spouse a big thank-you today.

Lori Lowe has been married to her husband, Ming, for 19 years. She is the author of First Kiss to Lasting Bliss: Hope & Inspiration for Your Marriage. It tells the inspiring, true stories of couples who used adversity to improve their marriages–from overcoming drug addiction to cancer, infidelity, religious differences, and infertility, among many others. It’s available at Amazon.com and in various e-book formats here.

Photo courtesy of Morguefile.com.

What’s your great love story?

oldtime photo morguefileThe holiday that celebrates love is just around the corner, and I know it stresses many of you out. Instead of stress, I hope it’s a time to remind you and your partner how lucky you are to have found one another and to have made the choice to love each other. Maybe it’s also a good time to share your love story.

Have you told your kids or grandkids the story of how you met, or your first date, or how you proposed? Even if they roll their eyes, they’ll be glad to know. You might even write it down for future generations, or pass along your letters from your dating days. Don’t think that story has to be perfect; every great story has twists and turns.

The genealogy site, Crestleaf, is requesting your great love stories leading up to Valentine’s Day. They asked me to let you know about it, so I’m passing it along. “One of the best things about conducting family history research is recording the incredible stories you get to hear from older family members; what their lives were like back in the day, how they endured the struggles of the Great Depression and how they managed to find (and keep) true love through it all,” says the site. “In this day and age, where divorce is more common than not, our grandparents and other older family members have chosen to keep those unbreakable vows and work through all the hard times resulting in lifetime love with their partners. And those heartwarming stories about how they fell in love with each other are what give the rest of us hope that we will find a love that will last until the very end.” Visit here for the submissions details.

If you don’t feel like telling or sharing your story, consider looking back at old photos with your sweetheart, remembering the days when you fell in love, or when your grown kids were babies. You won’t transport your heart to the feelings you held back then, but you might feel a great appreciation for the life that has come between your falling in love and today.

Let Valentine’s Day be a day to share your love story and your appreciation for each other.

Lori Lowe has been married to her husband, Ming, for 19 years. She is the author of First Kiss to Lasting Bliss: Hope & Inspiration for Your Marriage. It tells the inspiring, true stories of couples who used adversity to improve their marriages–from overcoming drug addiction to cancer, infidelity, religious differences, and infertility, among many others. It’s available at Amazon.com and in various e-book formats here.

Photo courtesy of Morguefile.com.

This one thing will improve your marriage in 2015

angry-woman morguefileDid you ever notice that TV shows feature the clever wife rescuing the absentminded, not-so-bright husband? To do the opposite would be politically incorrect, but somehow it’s cool to crush on the guys for their ineptitude. They just never seem to do things the way we would.

Unfortunately, this cultural tendency has probably creeped its way into many homes with wives/moms showing our men “how it’s done” when it comes to caring for kids and the home. (There is a right way to fold the towels and load the dishwasher, after all.) That’s why this article called “I wasn’t treating my husband fairly” should be an aha-moment for many of us wives. Check it out; it’s worth the read. In a moment of clarity, this wife realized that a husband bringing home the wrong kind of hamburger was not a great enough sin to deserve her long diatribe. She began to realize that she criticized so many areas that were not critical to the family’s success, and didn’t often notice all the things he was doing right (changing the oil, fixing the computer, being a great dad). It was a hamburger moment to remember.

While nagging and criticizing may be more often female territory, it can easily go both ways. Think about it, when your spouse goes the the store and brings home the wrong brand, are you mad about the mistake or thankful you didn’t have to go to the grocery? If your spouse handles the kids differently, is that a problem or just a difference of opinion? Remember that most men value respect very highly, and criticism can make them feel less respected.

My husband will tell you I’m a little controlling about which cutting boards are used for what purposes (meat vs. veggies) as well as what laundry items are hung versus put in the dryer. We all have our hang-ups! This year, make sure you express gratitude more than nagging. Watch out for over-the-top, unnecessary criticism.

Look for your hamburger moment of clarity. Then turn it around.

Lori Lowe has been married to her husband, Ming, for 19 years. She is the author of First Kiss to Lasting Bliss: Hope & Inspiration for Your Marriage. It tells the inspiring, true stories of couples who used adversity to improve their marriages–from overcoming drug addiction to cancer, infidelity, religious differences, and infertility, among many others. It’s available at Amazon.com and in various e-book formats here.

Photo courtesy of morguefile.com.

Romantic commercial aims to end divorce

Proctor & Gamble has a big hit in a shampoo commercial aimed to reduce divorce in China. The romantic spot (which doesn’t mention Rejoice shampoo) has reportedly been viewed 40 million times per month in that country. You can watch it below with subtitles. There are between 3 to 3.5 million Chinese divorces annually, but the commercial offers hope by sharing that 100,000 of these couples decide to remarry one another.

Critics say the strategy is insulting or overly sentimental, but you can’t argue with the numbers of fans. They may have hit on a brilliant strategy. What do you think of this style and message, which seems to say, “It ain’t over til it’s over. You can start again. You can love again.” One thing I liked was that the actors conveyed the hurt and anger at the beginning, and then through physical touch were able to move beyond those. Is it too cheesy or overly commercial, or does it work? How about the tagline #believeinloveagain?

Tension, infidelity rock marriage

Following is a guest post by Jaylin Palacio:

Jaylin Palacio picI met my husband, Jay, when I was 16 years old. We dated for three years before we married. I was a young bride who had no clue how to be a good wife. All I knew was we loved each other, and I didn’t think we would ever have marital problems. Jay was a paratrooper in the 82nd Airborne Division of the US Army. This was during the time of the Persian Gulf War, so I spent about 3 weeks with him on the military base and then he was deployed for a year. When he returned, we experienced the typical ups and downs that married couples face. As most marriages do after the initial infatuation fades, my marriage began to grow stale.

Because we didn’t feel the need to work at the marriage, time took its toll and we started to take each other for granted. By year nine, our relationship grew stressed. The tension in our relationship increased to the point where we were arguing every weekend.

One Sunday morning during an argument, Jay said, “We’re going to church!” I started to see red as I felt the heat rush to my face. “Oh no we’re not! Go ahead! You’re the one who needs it!” I yelled. Immediately, the thought came to me, “I have to go to church to save my marriage. There are no other options.” I decided to go, thinking that if I didn’t like it, I would simply never go back.

I walked into the church with sweaty palms and pounding heart. The rhythm of the music caught my attention. Everyone was singing and clapping with so much joy and love that radiated through the place. Looking around, I saw genuine adoration on the faces of people singing to God. During the worship, I started to cry. I felt the pain not only in my marriage, but deep down in my soul. I hoped no one noticed as I wiped away my tears. But one of the church members saw my pain and gently hugged me, assuring me it was okay to cry.

That day, I made the decision to give my life over to God. Jay and I have experienced tremendous healing in our marriage as a result. But once I surrendered my life over to God, I discovered that the Bible contains magnificent truth that I could apply to my life and gives me power to overcome issues.

Happily married couples are rare today in our society of quick and easy divorce, but God’s way of doing marriage is so fulfilling. Once I started applying these truths to my marriage, I began to experience the healing power of God. Only God can reach down deep and heal the deepest of hurts.

Fast forward to year 20 where God brought me through the biggest challenge of my life. I was completely blindsided when I found out that my husband was having an affair. He ended up leaving me and the children for the other woman. During this time, God taught me a lot about His faithfulness and the healing power of forgiveness. Right in the middle of divorce proceedings, my husband came home. We ended up dropping the divorce and working at rebuilding what had been destroyed. I am so thankful to God to be able to report that our marriage is now stronger than it ever was, and we will be celebrating 25 years of marriage in April.

With everything that we have been through, we have learned several secrets of marriage. But one of the biggest lessons that God has taught me is the healing power of forgiveness. This is the key to opening the door for complete healing of your heart when you have been betrayed. The marital relationship offers many opportunities for betrayal. When you are hurt by the one you love, you have a choice to make. I don’t know who coined the phrase, but you can either become bitter or better.

The Bible refers to a “root of bitterness.” Much like a root under the soil, bitterness remains hidden in your heart. If not uprooted, it will grow under the surface until your heart and mind are encased in bitterness and it is impossible to show the love and respect that is needed in order to have a thriving marriage.

To avoid the path of bitterness, we have to make the choice of forgiveness. There are a few aspects of forgiveness that are largely misunderstood:
Forgiveness is not for the benefit of the person who hurt you, it is for your benefit. Ralph Waldo Emerson is quoted as saying, “For every minute you remain angry, you give up sixty seconds of peace of mind.”

Forgiveness does not condone what was done. What is does is sever the link of control between the betrayer and the betrayed.

Forgiveness does not mean that there will be no consequences for the offense. The consequences will come. Forgiveness is the betrayed person’s way of leaving the consequences in the hands of God and allowing God to heal the forsaken person’s heart.

Forgiveness does not depend on how you feel. Some people say that they would forgive, but they are just not there yet, as if the feelings of anger and hurt will just go away on their own. However, if not dealt with, the root of bitterness will have a chance to grow. This is why forgiveness is a choice we make regardless of how we feel.

I specifically remember when I made the choice to forgive. My husband was still living with the other woman. Even though I was still hurt and angry, I chose to forgive them, not for their benefit, but for mine. I did not want to allow this situation to poison my future by invading my heart and mind. I was not condoning what they did, nor was I removing consequences. There are always consequences for actions. I did not feel like forgiving. In my time of prayer, I told God that I made the choice to forgive and that I wish no malice upon them. I asked God to teach and correct, and I released both my husband and his girlfriend into God’s hands. Did I instantly feel the anger and pain go away? Of course not. But the door to healing was opened, and over time I noticed that God removed the anger and the pain. When my husband came home, all I could feel was love for him because God dealt with my heart. God uprooted the bitterness to make way for complete healing. He has strengthened me from the inside out and equipped me to help others going through similar circumstances.

Jaylin Palacio is the author of He Will Never Leave You, a story about the healing power of forgiveness. You can get your copy here. She also has an email subscriber group where she offers help in easing the pain of infidelity. You can sign up at http://forms.aweber.com/form/64/1906729764.htm Palacio book cover
And you can read Jaylin’s blog right here.

Is your parenting style destroying your marriage?

mom daughter morguefileParenthood in America has become more of a religion than a relationship with our offspring, argues Dr. Danielle Teller, a physician and researcher, in an article called “How American parenting is killing the American marriage.” Dr. Teller explains that in the last generation, being a parent has required complete devotion above all else, something akin to a religion.

The kids come first. Period. That’s what we see if we watch families today. Kids know it, and parents know it, even if they think they don’t agree with it. My kids’ activities are prioritized above my own, for instance.

In America, we are not allowed to say our marriage is more important than our relationship with the children, but if we do our jobs right, the children will be gaining independence and confidence at each stage. With gray divorce on the rise, it’s clear that many parents don’t have much to say to one another after the kids have left the nest.

In making another religious comparison, Dr. Teller explains parents are not allowed to speak poorly about any aspect of their children or their behavior; that would be considered a heresy. Parents of young children often excuse poor behavior by saying they are tired or hungry. Parents of school-aged children no longer believe the teacher’s word against their child in the classroom. Instead, children are treated as mini-gods who can do no wrong.

Mothers are often called to a higher level of devotion and focus than are husbands. They are to look for any and all beneficial opportunities for the child—academic, athletic, musical, social or cultural growth opportunities that may give him or her an advantage in this highly competitive world. Not surprisingly, we may feel challenged balancing the demands of the marriage and family, careers, hobbies and exercise regimens. However, it’s expected that parents keep up the pace, even if sacrifice is required.

This isn’t an argument for not having kids, it’s simply an argument to give some perspective to the vocation of parenthood—what should and what should not be expected as we attempt to rear healthy and well-adjusted people.

Some pitfalls of this common parental philosophy include:
1. Children think they are the center of the universe, because parental words and actions have demonstrated their importance. Kids can become devastated when they experience failure or when they realize that others’ needs are just as important as theirs. It’s harder to learn to share and compromise later in life.

2. Parents who are unable to speak honestly about their feelings (of struggle, worry, despair, anxiety, exhaustion, resentment as well as joy and success) and are unable to have their own important needs met are less likely to resolve problems at home and less likely to be the best parents they can be.

3. The marriage weakens with little time and attention to devote to it. Children may miss out from the great benefit of two parents who love each other and who prioritize the relationship. A neglected marriage will negatively impact the children.

“We choose partners who we hope will be our soul mates for life,” says Dr. Teller. “When children come along, we believe that we can press pause on the soul mate narrative, because parenthood has become our new priority and religion. We raise our children as best we can, and we know that we have succeeded if they leave us, going out in the world to find partners and have children of their won. Once our gods have left us, we try to pick up the pieces of our long neglected marriages and find new purpose. Is it surprising that divorce rates are rising fastest for empty nesters? Perhaps it is time that we gave the parenthood religion a second thought.”

What do you think about this concept of parenthood as religion? Do you think parental expectations have gone too far or not? Is your marriage getting the time and attention it needs?

Lori Lowe has been married to her husband, Ming, for 19 years. She is the author of First Kiss to Lasting Bliss: Hope & Inspiration for Your Marriage. It tells the inspiring, true stories of couples who used adversity to improve their marriages–from overcoming drug addiction to cancer, infidelity, religious differences, and infertility, among many others. It’s available at Amazon.com and in various e-book formats here.
Photo courtesy of morguefile.com

Words that can make or break your marriage

brain morguefileWhich words do you use in communicating with your spouse that make the discussion worse, and which words cause you both to calm down? Researchers have the answers.

Some words increase your stress level, and can even heighten your risk of cardiovascular disease and other health problems. Other words and phrases can actually reduce your stress and calm your body down, allowing your brain to think more rationally instead of in anger.

One study revealed that couples who used the words “think,” “reason,” “because,” “understand,” “why” and other analytical words during an argument lowered the body’s stress. When using these words, they experienced lower levels of proteins that help aid the body’s immune system. Research led by Jennifer Graham, PhD, from Penn State University was published in Health Psychology.

Men experienced a greater benefit than women, but women tended to use more of these analytical words and phrases. (Isn’t that interesting, when women are thought to be the more emotive gender?)

The reason these words can help reduce stress and diffuse anger, is they cause us to think rather than relying on our anger or first response, often the fight-or-flight response.

Experts suggest two other phrases to use during a discussion/argument. The first is “I wonder…” which allows you both to consider the issue or problem rather than placing blame. The second is simply “Hmmm…” which allows you both to be uncritical in that moment. It can often shift the energy to a more positive one, helping you consider possibilities and solutions.

Trigger words to AVOID include: “You always…” or “Your never…” and “There you go again.”

In addition to words, consider your non-verbal communication. Are your arms crossed, are you glaring? Do you use sarcasm or express contempt, or roll your eyes? Do you have aggressive gestures, such as arm waving or raised voice? Or are you calm, sitting next to, maybe touching gently?

When you feel the disagreement escalating, breathe deeply and slowly from your belly. Quicker breaths from the chest are more common when we are upset, and this helps calm you down. And practice better communication. These are skills that can be learned.

Each day, practice gratitude and try to avoid complaining. “Thanks” is always a welcome word to express your spouse.

Are there words you have learned to avoid with your spouse? Or words that help you calm down?

Lori Lowe has been married to her husband, Ming, for 19 years. She is the author of First Kiss to Lasting Bliss: Hope & Inspiration for Your Marriage. It tells the inspiring, true stories of couples who used adversity to improve their marriages–from overcoming drug addiction to cancer, infidelity, religious differences, and infertility, among many others. It’s available at Amazon.com and in various e-book formats here.
Photo courtesy of morguefile.com