Tag Archives: happy marriage

3 Tips to Warm Up Your Marriage This Winter

Posted on January 16, 2012 | 14 Comments

Women’s Health Magazine had some good suggestions in its September 2011 issue that I thought I’d share. These cold winter months are the perfect time for giving your spouse some extra attention.

  1. Pretend you just met. Author and psychologist Terri Orbuch, PhD, says couples often stop asking “get to know you” questions, because they think they already know each other. However, since we all change and develop, we need to be constantly checking in to keep the daily connection growing. So, instead of chatting about your daily agenda, spend some time pretending like you just started dating. Ask what he would do if he won the lottery or what her favorite book is. Or, ask about positive family memories or what the best ball game was he ever watched. Anything that would spark a good conversation. Don’t assume you know all your partner’s responses even if you’ve been married a long time.
  2. Tweet responsibly. Avid tweeters tend to have shorter relationships—10 percent shorter, on average. If you’re big into social media, learn how to disconnect from technology and truly connect with your spouse. (Based on a survey of 100,000 people from OKCupid.com) Be sure the time you tweet isn’t time taken away from being one-on-one with your spouse.
  3. Be intimate at least weekly. Frequency of sex is a marker for successful relationships. The average American couple gets busy two or three times a month. But increasing this to once a week generates as much bliss as earning an additional $50,000 in annual income, according to researchers from Dartmouth College and the University of Warwick in England. They even explain the reasoning behind the statistic. “Couples who like each other end up in bed more often, says the study author. “And it’s the liking-each-other part that increases joy.

If one of your goals for 2012 is to give your relationship a shot of inspiration, read my book, First Kiss to Lasting Bliss: Hope & Inspiration for Your Marriage , which tells the stories of a dozen amazing couples who used adversity to improve their marriage. Go here for links to Amazon print version or e-books for Kindle, iTunes, Sony, Nook or PDF. If you already have the book, don’t forget to email me for your 7 free marriage improvement gifts, including everything from an e-book to improve your sex life to date night suggestions, an iPhone app with daily marriage tips, a marriage refresher workbook, a video to hone your communication skills, and tips for how to connect on a daily basis with your spouse in just 15 minutes a day.

Photo by Ambro courtesy of Freedigitalphotos.net

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Posted in Family, Happiness, Love, Marriage, Marriage Research, Relationships, Sex

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Does Your Marriage Have Areas for Improvement?

Posted on December 20, 2011 | 2 Comments

If you are hoping to improve or even maintain your relationship in 2012, it may help to know what the major sources of conflict are. What do couples fight most about, and can you assess your personal behavior in these areas to ensure you are not contributing to that conflict?

The Science of Relationships provides the Top 15 Sources of Conflict in Relationships with a brief explanation of each that I think is very helpful. It includes everything from being inconsiderate to poor grooming. First, ask yourself what the most common conflict topics are in your relationship, then check the list. Be honest about an area in which you might be able to improve. This isn’t the time to blame your partner, but rather to look a way you might take some responsibility for a bit of self-improvement. Personally, I hope to improve my daily efforts toward generosity this year.

For some additional helpful reading, The Generous Husband’s Paul Byerly has done a good job dissecting The State of Our Unions: Marriage in America 2011—research completed by the National Marriage Project. This is the research I wrote about recently in which generosity in marriage is said to be the best indicator of a very happy marriage. There’s much more to the study. Paul explains the findings on Money and Housework, which show happier husbands and wives are part of couples for which household chores are shared equally. In addition, the study showed that financial pressure and debt decrease our marital happiness. No matter what our income, increased consumer debt is a hindrance to a happy marriage, particularly for women. He also reports on the impact of family and friends in marriage, which reminds us we should be connecting with those who support our marriage, and preferably spend time with others who have strong marriages. Finally, this is an interesting bit about the importance of shared faith within a marriage. If these reports are interesting to you, check out the full study results. (See link at beginning of paragraph.)

What area of your marriage could use some tweaking—or a complete overhaul—this coming year? Perhaps how you communicate, how you manage your finances, how you share your faith, how you share housework or raise your children, how you manage your time or your home, how you show affection, your sexual satisfaction with one another, making time to spend each day with each other? The options are nearly endless, but discuss one area with your partner in which you both will make an effort to improve, will seek out tools for improvement, and will provide honest and productive feedback with each other. If you have particular topics you would like more information about, please message me or leave it in the comments and I will provide expert insights and research-based tips for you.

For all those who celebrate the Christmas holiday this coming week, I wish you all the blessings and joy of the season. I hope for you a holiday with minimal stress and abounding love. And I wish peace and joy to all of you and to your families and friends. Thank you for allowing me into your lives.

NOTE:
My new book, First Kiss to Lasting Bliss: Hope & Inspiration for Your Marriage is now available. Go here for links to Amazon print version or e-books for Kindle, iTunes, Nook or e-book. If you’ve already bought the book, don’t forget to email me for your 7 free marriage improvement gifts, including everything from an e-book to improve your sex-life to date night suggestions, an iPhone app with daily marriage tips, a marriage refresher workbook, a video to hone your communication skills, and tips for how to connect on a daily basis with your spouse in just 15 minutes a day.

Photo by Arvydas Kriuksta courtesy of freedigitalphotos.net.

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Posted in Family, Happiness, Love, Marriage, Marriage Research, Relationships, Research, Sex

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Take Responsibility for Your Own Relationship Happiness

Posted on December 5, 2011 | 5 Comments

During this busy holiday season, don’t forget to carve out some time with your spouse. I recommend these three powerful questions spouses ask one another.  Hopefully you are scheduling at least 10 to 20 minutes a day to connect with your spouse, even when you’re busy. These are great discussion questions so that you don’t end up talking about your to-do list, the kids and the unfinished chores.

And now I’d like to share a guest post from relationship coach, speaker and author of Secrets of Happy Couples, Kim Olver. Kim reminds us that even if we are a part of a couple, we need to function independently and be responsible for our own happiness. It’s not our partner’s job to complete us or make us happy.

You Complete Me . . . NOT!

Tom Cruise said it in Jerry McGuire . . . “You complete me.” It’s a nice sentiment, but it’s sad if it’s really true. If you want to create a relationship that works, you want to be a whole, fully functioning person when you enter it. You also want the other person in the relationship to be a whole, fully functioning person, too. When you both bring your fullest, most authentic selves to the relationship, you are stacking the odds in your favor.

So the obvious question is, “How do I figure out who my fullest self is?” You’ll know because you will feel complete all by yourself. When you are alone, you won’t feel lonely. You appreciate being with others and even having a special someone in your life but they aren’t necessary for your happiness. You complete yourself. You are enough. You are special and unique and you don’t need another person to validate your worth. Here are some steps to take when you find yourself in the Alone Stage of Relationships to move you toward your fullest self.

Whenever you are between relationships, it’s important to do some serious introspection. There are many things to consider. First, what part did you play in your past relationship not working out. It’s very easy to blame the other person and certainly they had a part to play. But so did you.

You want to spend some time thinking about why you chose the person. Are you not discriminating enough and settling for partners who do not suit you? Do you use a lot of criticism in your relationships? Do you give and give and give until you have nothing left to give? Do you have so many deal breakers that it is virtually impossible for a person to meet your standards?

Time alone does not mean time to feel sorry for yourself or time to hop from one relationship to another, although these are options many people choose. If you want to have successful relationships, there are lessons for you to learn along way. When you are in between relationships, it’s a great time for self-reflection. Take the time to look at the role you played in your relationship not working out. There are always two people in your relationship and each has a part to play in either the success for failure of the relationship. Look to see what your role was.

Then, the second step to take is to create your list for your ideal mate. What are the qualities, skills and characteristics you are seeking in a life partner? Get very clear about the things you can’t live without. These are your deal breakers. You want to be sure you are spending time with people who can meet your non-negotiables. Deal breakers vary from person to person.

When you don’t know what your deal breakers are, then you will often waste time in relationships that are not good for you. Deal breakers might include infidelity, violence, child abuse, drug and alcohol abuse, financial irresponsibility, and level of physical activity. These are usually things that are totally offensive to your value system. Get serious about what they are so you can discriminate when someone has the propensity toward one of your deal breakers and stop wasting your time and theirs.

On the other hand, you don’t want to have so many deal breakers that no one but a fictitious Prince Charming could ever live up to them. In this case, whenever you begin a new relationship, you are looking for the flaws and cracks. And when you look that hard, you are destined to find them! No one will be able to pass the “test.”

You then want to compile a list of the things that are important to you in a relationship. Things like income, intimacy, attractiveness, type of employment, friends, extended family members, hobbies, etc. When you begin a new relationship, you will want to know this person possesses a good percentage of the things you want in a life partner. If you don’t know what those qualities are, then you will settle for anybody, thus setting yourself up for constant dissatisfaction.

You may also create a list of bonus qualities that would be awesome for your partner to possess but it’s not necessary, essential or even important. They are just bonuses.

Once you have your list and you can almost picture your perfect partner, then it’s time to take a long, hard look in the mirror. You need to ask yourself, “Am I the person my perfect partner would be attracted to? Would my perfect partner want me?”

If your answer is yes, then great! You already are your fullest, most authentic self. However, if you are seeking a person who would never be attracted to the person you are now, then you have some self-development ahead of you. Ask yourself who would you be if you were the perfect complement for your perfect partner? What kinds of things would you do and not do? What would you have in your life? What kind of person would you be?

Once you have identified who you want to be, then you want to begin the process of reinventing yourself into the person you want to be so you can attract the mate you want into your life. When you become your fullest, most authentic self, are clear about whom you want to share your life with, and understand you relationship patterns, then you have vastly increased the chances that your next relationship will be your best relationship thus far. Enjoy the journey!

Only a few more days before my book, First Kiss to Lasting Bliss: Hope & Inspiration for Your Marriage, is out! It will be available December 8th on Amazon.com and in various e-book formats at  www.LoriDLowe.com.  The book’s Facebook page is www.Facebook.com/LastingBliss. Please help me spread the word. Thank you!

 Photo by David Castillo Dominici courtesy of freedigitalphotos.net.

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Posted in Relationships, Communication, Marriage, Love, Personal Growth, Family, Divorce, Happiness

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The Longer We’re Married, The Better It Gets

Posted on December 1, 2011 | 9 Comments

It’s been a while since I have read an article as positive about marraige as this one by Jeanine Earnhart at Huffington Post. The article is called “Grow old with me, the best is yet to be.” It began with Earnhart admiring an older married couple, picturing her own marriage at that stage. Earnhart makes her point by sharing her marital experience:

“The longer we’re married, the better it gets and I’d like to think that is a pattern that will continue. Whether you have been married a few years, 25 years or in the planning stages of your wedding, know that there is a future filled with rewards from the work you are putting into your relationship now. The “gold watch” or the “bonus” from years of marriage cannot be seen or worn or spent, but felt by an invisible connection between you and your partner.”

It’s great to hear such a positive sentiment about aging and about staying with the same person. Rather than being stifling, it’s nourishing and fulfilling.

“It is a good feeling to know that your partner will be with you through the best and the worst parts of your life. Here is a friend who is offering unconditional love, appreciating you for who you are and for who you have become. To be able to sit in a room with another person, not saying a word, and not feeling like you should be talking, yet knowing there is an invisible bond between you, is like the safety you feel when coming home.”

I know there are many single readers here, and it’s not my intent to say married life is a better choice for everyone. However, for those who choose married life, I think it’s great to share the positive experiences and comfort you experience.

Read the entire post, and then share with your partner what you think your future will look like together. Spend 10 minutes together and talk about what you imagine growing old together to be like.

Unfortunately, for an increasing number of older adults, marriage isn’t lasting to old age. This article from the U.K. states that a growing number of over 60s are seeking divorce. Divorce rates in England are up 4 percent in two years for this age group, but down for other age groups. “Experts claim that many older couples are drifting apart out of disillusionment in their marriages once their children have flown the nest.”

It’s a good reminder that we can’t expect a close, loving relationship to last for decades without investing time and energy to maintain it, and without keeping it a priority over our kids and our careers.

LINKS:
Read my post at About.com called 7 Lessons for a Stronger Marriage with lessons from my book. Thanks to Cathy Meyer for sharing.

Reminder to vote for your favorite marriage blog by clicking here. It takes just a few seconds. Many thanks!
 
Photo by Ambro courtesy of freedigitalphotos.net.

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Posted in Divorce, Family, Happiness, Love, Marriage, Relationships

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First Kiss to Lasting Bliss Interview

Posted on November 24, 2011 | 4 Comments

Thanks to Mrs. Levine of Whispered Between Women for interviewing me about my upcoming book, FIRST KISS TO LASTING BLISS: Hope & Inspiration for Your  Marriage. You can visit her lovely site and read the full interview here. I am re-posting the highlights here at her suggestion, with a link to the full interview:

Mrs. Levine: I’ve been following Lori Lowe’s blog Marriage Gems for a couple of years and find her advice on marriage truly wonderful and inspiring. I took the opportunity to ask her some of my burning questions on how to help a marriage last a lifetime.

Mrs. Levine: Is avoiding lifestyle traps one of the best ways of helping a marriage flourish over decades?

Lori Lowe: I do think avoiding today’s lifestyle traps can help a marriage flourish. For example, the ever-changing desires for more material goods, nicer cars, bigger houses, great vacations, and the like, can cause financial stress. Research shows couples who are more focused on material goods have less strong marriages. The truth is that material goods never really satisfy our deepest longings. If we spent the time and effort focusing on trying to please each other and doing something great in the world that is bigger than ourselves, we find much greater happiness.

 
Mrs. Levine: When illness or an accident changes the marriage so that one spouse is a care provider and the other is a care receiver, how does a couple maintain an equal emotional balance in the relationship?

Lori Lowe: One couple in the book experienced a brain injury at a young age, and the wife has become a caregiver. Due to his slow awakening from a coma, it’s almost as if he fell in love with his wife a second time. He asked her to marry him before he understood that he was already married to her. She remained at his side and committed to his recovery, and works daily to help him regain his mobility. Just because one person has physical limitations doesn’t mean that any part of the love dies away. At some point (hopefully much later in life), most of us as couples will face some physical limits either in ourselves or in our spouse. While it’s not pleasant to think about, it may help you prepare for the future.

Mrs. Levine: What is your best piece of advice to couples for a marriage that lasts a lifetime?

Lori Lowe: If I have to limit the advice to one thing, I’d say focus on pleasing each other. It creates a virtuous cycle of giving and loving. If you are willing to go first and be the one who acts in love and generosity, you can start that cycle. What is something that would please your spouse today? More sex or touching during the day? Grocery shopping or cooking dinner? Spending time together? Saying thank you instead of complaining?  Do what you know will please your spouse, and if you don’t know, be sure to ask.

If I can add one other thing, I’d say don’t expect your spouse to fill your every need. If we each learn to be interesting and fulfilled people individually, we bring more to the marriage, and we hopefully won’t have as many unrealistic expectations of each other.

Read More for the rest of the Q&A.

Receive book information at www.LoriDLowe.com, and check out the Facebook page at www.Facebook.com/LastingBliss. First Kiss to Lasting Bliss: Hope & Inspiration for Your Marriage will be available Dec. 8, 2011.

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Posted in Books, Divorce, Family, Happiness, Love, Marriage, Marriage Research, Relationships

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Sweat the Small Stuff in Your Marriage to Prevent Divorce

Posted on November 9, 2011 | 4 Comments

Most divorces are not the result of major conflicts, but rather the slow erosion of your marriage. You think your marriage is fine because nothing major has happened, but you’re drifting apart. Wake up, and turn the tide.

Rather than a major tipping point that causes a rift in the marriage, many couples simply lose touch with each other, says Edward M. Hallowell, co-author of Married to Distraction: How to Restore Intimacy and Strenghten Your Partnership in an Age of Interruption. “The ambient noise of life takes over,” he says, adding that couples lose the fun and moments of sustained attention because they are surrounded by stimuli.

Research shows two-thirds of divorces result from low-conflict marriages. In other words, it’s the small stuff that can destroy your relationship and get between you and a great life together.

What stimuli might be causing chaos or interruptions in your life? Is it the hectic pace of life? The intrusion of technology? Is it the sometimes overwhelming nature of child-rearing or over-involvement in extracurricular activities? Is it unfulfilled dreams?

The good news, say the experts, is that low-conflict problems are “highly solveable” compared with affairs, addictions or huge financial debt. However, if ignored, the drudgery of life can be very damaging to your relationship.

“There are a lot of marriages of quiet desperation that just drag on and on until they end in divorce,” says Pamela Haag, author of Marriage Confidential. However, she adds that many marriages can survive if the partners are willing to be flexible and sometimes imaginative with solutions.

“The first step is to have the difficult conversation and actually hazard some honesty with your partner,” she explains. Rather than focusing on how to “stick it out” in marriage, determine how you can change your lives so that you can thrive in your marriage.

Source: Miami Herald

Note: I’m excited to announce that First Kiss to Lasting Bliss: Hope & Inspiration for Your Marriage will be released December 8, 2011. Please follow the Facebook page at www.Facebook.com/LastingBliss and check out details at www.LoriDLowe.com. Thank you.

LINK:
Divorce Rate Linked to Education & Race

Photo by Suat Eman courtesty of www.Freedigitalphotos.net.

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Why are Women Less Happy than Men in Marriage?

Posted on October 24, 2011 | 22 Comments

Men are generally happier in their marriages than women are. A survey of men taken by the Chicago Sun-Times showed 78 percent of men would remarry their wives. Another survey by Women’s Day Magazine showed only half of women would choose to remarry their husbands.

Why do you there is such a wide disparity? Some may say it’s because women do more of the work at home and increasingly bring in a second income for the family. Some experts believe that men experience fulfillment more easily than women. Women, on the other hand, have high expectations and romantic inclinations.

Mark Gungor, speaker and author of Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage writes that he used to put the blame on men’s shoulders for thoughtless or insensitive. However, he says women file for 80 percent of all divorces and are usually the ones frustrated with the relationship, the disappointed ones. He writes that women’s unrealistic expectations are often responsible for divorce, not inept men.

I’ll say I agree up to a point. Just because a man is happy with the situation doesn’t mean that it’s a positive environment for his wife. However, I will agree that I as a wife have struggled with having unrealistic expectations, and I know other wives do as well. Despite having excellent husbands, we sometimes wish life were a little more romantic. And, truth be told, we wish our husbands could read our minds and know (and fulfill) our deepest longings.

I also agree that women look to their husband to meet too many of their needs, especially with family often living at a distance. While generations ago, women lived and worked together and supported one another, today’s families are much more isolated. So, we expect our husbands to be our confidants, our lovers, our best friends, our emotional supports, and more. We also want them to be good providers and share the workload at home.

Our spouse shouldn’t be expected to meet all of our needs, and he or she cannot be our source of hope or happiness.

“A successful marriage is possible only when two complete and happy people get together for the purpose of building a life together. They do not need the other to be truly happy, complete or emotionally whole,” says Gungor.

This is where I wholeheartedly agree. Yes, men need to feel respected, and women need to feel loved. We need to express our needs and our feelings to our spouse, but we also need to be responsible for creating our own fulfilled and joy-filled lives.

For a better perspective on this, read What if Today Were Your Last Day With Your Spouse; Patty Newbold learns the hard way about dropping unnecessary expectations. Also, check out What Do You Expect From Your Marriage and Mate, especially if you feel life and marriage for you hasn’t been entirely fair lately for you.

LINKS:
Read from the Washington Post about how delaying divorce can save marriages, and how new legislation may be coming to your state. It’s a very interesting proposal by two well-qualified individuals.

Photo by Photostock courtesty of freedigitalphotos.net

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Posted in Books, Communication, Divorce, Family, Happiness, Love, Marriage, Marriage Research, Relationships

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Trust your partner for a smooth married life

Posted on October 12, 2011 | 6 Comments

Guest post by Amanda Kidd

Love, care, passion are all inseparable parts of a long-lasting marriage. But one more factor is very important to consider pampering your married life—and that is trust. Trust serves you with the confidence, relaxation and a deep, comforting feeling of forever togetherness. It means that you have confidence in your partner and believe in your partner. We need to learn to trust our partner, but some people find it a hard to do. Let’s consider few of the situations where you can lean more into trust.

Tie the knot and your trust too

At the time of marriage, make a decision to do your utmost to trust each other and be open and honest with one another. Give your partner the benefit of the doubt, and have faith in him or her.

Trust your partner even you are away

If you are away from your partner, don’t get suspicious. Think positively, and give your partner the benefit of the doubt (especially if they have no history of cheating). It may happen that when you tried to reach out to him/her, she didn’t respond immediately. If it happens a few more times, it’s natural to get worried. But lean into trust, or your partner could become resentful. Simply wait and ask your partner about his/her day and the gaps will likely be filled.

Beware of backbiters

Your marriage is going smoothly but some people in your life may simply start speaking ill of your partner in his/her absence. Stop it right there. Then keep people who are negative or who sew seeds of discontent at arm’s length or further.

Trust his/her opinions

Disputes and quarrels are part of any relationship and hence, of married life, too. As you both are very different personalities, it is obvious that differences arise. Share your point of view, then hear your partner’s views with an open mind. Discussion ends the problem in a healthy way, but argument makes the disagreement worse.

Show your trust

Demonstrate your trust to family or friends. When others understand you are united, there will be fewer attempts to divide you.

 

Amanda Kidd is a frequent blogger on the wedding portal. She has covered many interesting topics related to pre and post wedding scenario like wedding cakes, themed weddings, bridal shower, honeymoon destinations and romantic gateways.

Are there times in which you find it difficult to trust your spouse? Has your partner proved to be untrustworthy in the past in areas, such as finances or sexuality, that make it difficult to trust them? How can you rebuild that trust?

Photo by Photostock courtesy of freedigitalphotos.net

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Posted in Marriage, Relationships

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4 Obvious Marriage Tips You Still May Not Be Doing

Posted on September 16, 2011 | 6 Comments

“Keeping the Sparks Alive” Series

Sometimes marriage tips are so obvious, yet we find we are not doing enough of them. My husband and I are as guilty as any couple on these. For example, business travel often separates us. Often, it takes a little while to re-acclimate to our routine and to each other.

I read these three tips in an article about keeping your marriage strong with kids, which pulled from authors Charles and Elizabeth Schmitz, of Building a Love that Lasts: The Seven Surprising Secrets of Successful Marriage. Their not-so-surprising (in my opinion) tips are things we still may not be doing, even though we know we should. Just like I know I shouldn’t be eating chocolate chip cookies, but I had two today.

  1. Time in — Whether it’s a date night or going for a walk, “you have to spend time together to keep the flame alive,” Elizabeth says. “You have to allow time for each other.”

In our case, we have lots of time in, but it’s surrounded by kids, work and home responsibilities. When we go out, we often feel rushed. We aren’t prioritizing time alone together as much as we should be. How are you doing here?

  1. Time out — Conversely, time apart is also key. “In the best marriages, spouses allow each other time for solitude, so they can think private thoughts or just get things done,” Elizabeth says.

We’ve done a little better here with both of us taking up tennis with friends. He frequently works on home projects on his own, while I do my own thing. Spouses should be able to spend this alone time as they wish (within reason, of course).

  1. Touchy, touchy — Successful couples use the “Morse code of marriage,” Charles says. “It’s called touching. It’s a substitute for talking about feelings. You are saying, ‘I love you so much I have to touch you.’”

I’ve frequently written about the tremendous effects of touch shown in research. (Read Little Touches Make Big Impact.) In my house, we probably touch more than we used to, but it’s still a surprise when one of us stops to hug or kiss during the day. We’re more used to rushing than being deliberate about that, but when he reaches over to touch me in the car, it’s a nice feeling. At first, you may have to force yourselves to touch more if it doesn’t feel natural. Eventually it will feel more normal, and you will feel more connected and unified.

  1. R-E-S-P-E-C-T–Respect (for your partner or yourself) is one thing I’ve noticed can be lacking in many relationships. Treat your spouse with at least the same level of respect that you would treat your friends and coworkers. Use your manners. (Yes, you still have to say please and thank you, even if it’s your mate.) Don’t speak poorly about your spouse behind his/her back. Be respectful. Be patient and kind. You know that feeling you get when you spend time with friends who are interested in what you have to say? Try to project that same level of support and interest with your spouse. The couples I know who say they are best friends seem to have a strong element of respect and kindness for one another.

Photo by Photostock courtesy of freedigitalphotos.net

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The Antidote to the Poison in Your Marriage

Posted on August 17, 2011 | 5 Comments

Author Betsy Hart calls negative emotions like hatred, bitterness and jealousy “poison of the heart,” and she advises parents to teach their children to steer clear of these thoughts. (In other words, she teaches that we have a say in how we choose to feel.)  Resentment and unforgiveness are certainly poisons within a marriage. The effects of negative emotions can be very damaging—to our emotional as well as physical health.

Forgiveness research by sociologist Greg Easterbrook and discussed in his book The Progress Paradox concludes that “people who do not forgive the wrongs committed against them tend to have negative indicators of well-being, more stress-related disorders, lower immune system function, and worse rates of cardiovascular disease than the population as a whole.”  In short, these emotions poison us from the inside out.

We inherently know that these emotions are bad for us. We feel it when we allow ourselves to be taken away by these feelings. Think about the stomach ache or headache that often occurs during a conflict. But do we work to rid ourselves of these emotions?

While we don’t want to become doormats or become taken advantage of, most of us know that we could be more graceful toward those around us—especially our partners—when they make a mistake. Sometimes a spouse doesn’t even know when he or she has done something wrong, and we are busy holding a grudge, stewing all evening.

We might even have a list of “unforgiveable offenses” that we decide upon before marriage. Things like infidelity and drug abuse are placed high on this list. I’ve seen dedicated couples overcome these and many difficult scenarios with a valuable antidote called forgiveness. But the day-to-day poison of resentment is almost more difficult to overcome.

If you or your partner are regularly resentful, rolling eyes, making snide comments, holding grudges or acting negatively, you are poisoning the relationship. All the small doses of poison can be as dangerous as one nearly lethal dose.

It may require getting some help, but clear the air and learn how to forgive and move on. We can lead ourselves through positive actions rather than allowing our fears, frustrations, anger and resentment to lead us. This week, when you’re feeling less than loving, try to act kindly and calmly. Take a deep breath. Give your spouse the benefit of the doubt. Offer to help them if they’re stressed. Show affection. Forgive. You’ll find you will be improving your own health as well as the health of your relationship.

How much poison can your relationship handle? Are you willing to find out?

Photo courtesy of Stockvault.net by Jake Wood.

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Posted in Divorce, Family, Happiness, Marriage, Marriage Research, Relationships, Research

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