Tag Archives: family tips

Is your parenting style destroying your marriage?

mom daughter morguefileParenthood in America has become more of a religion than a relationship with our offspring, argues Dr. Danielle Teller, a physician and researcher, in an article called “How American parenting is killing the American marriage.” Dr. Teller explains that in the last generation, being a parent has required complete devotion above all else, something akin to a religion.

The kids come first. Period. That’s what we see if we watch families today. Kids know it, and parents know it, even if they think they don’t agree with it. My kids’ activities are prioritized above my own, for instance.

In America, we are not allowed to say our marriage is more important than our relationship with the children, but if we do our jobs right, the children will be gaining independence and confidence at each stage. With gray divorce on the rise, it’s clear that many parents don’t have much to say to one another after the kids have left the nest.

In making another religious comparison, Dr. Teller explains parents are not allowed to speak poorly about any aspect of their children or their behavior; that would be considered a heresy. Parents of young children often excuse poor behavior by saying they are tired or hungry. Parents of school-aged children no longer believe the teacher’s word against their child in the classroom. Instead, children are treated as mini-gods who can do no wrong.

Mothers are often called to a higher level of devotion and focus than are husbands. They are to look for any and all beneficial opportunities for the child—academic, athletic, musical, social or cultural growth opportunities that may give him or her an advantage in this highly competitive world. Not surprisingly, we may feel challenged balancing the demands of the marriage and family, careers, hobbies and exercise regimens. However, it’s expected that parents keep up the pace, even if sacrifice is required.

This isn’t an argument for not having kids, it’s simply an argument to give some perspective to the vocation of parenthood—what should and what should not be expected as we attempt to rear healthy and well-adjusted people.

Some pitfalls of this common parental philosophy include:
1. Children think they are the center of the universe, because parental words and actions have demonstrated their importance. Kids can become devastated when they experience failure or when they realize that others’ needs are just as important as theirs. It’s harder to learn to share and compromise later in life.

2. Parents who are unable to speak honestly about their feelings (of struggle, worry, despair, anxiety, exhaustion, resentment as well as joy and success) and are unable to have their own important needs met are less likely to resolve problems at home and less likely to be the best parents they can be.

3. The marriage weakens with little time and attention to devote to it. Children may miss out from the great benefit of two parents who love each other and who prioritize the relationship. A neglected marriage will negatively impact the children.

“We choose partners who we hope will be our soul mates for life,” says Dr. Teller. “When children come along, we believe that we can press pause on the soul mate narrative, because parenthood has become our new priority and religion. We raise our children as best we can, and we know that we have succeeded if they leave us, going out in the world to find partners and have children of their won. Once our gods have left us, we try to pick up the pieces of our long neglected marriages and find new purpose. Is it surprising that divorce rates are rising fastest for empty nesters? Perhaps it is time that we gave the parenthood religion a second thought.”

What do you think about this concept of parenthood as religion? Do you think parental expectations have gone too far or not? Is your marriage getting the time and attention it needs?

Lori Lowe has been married to her husband, Ming, for 19 years. She is the author of First Kiss to Lasting Bliss: Hope & Inspiration for Your Marriage. It tells the inspiring, true stories of couples who used adversity to improve their marriages–from overcoming drug addiction to cancer, infidelity, religious differences, and infertility, among many others. It’s available at Amazon.com and in various e-book formats here.
Photo courtesy of morguefile.com

Simple Solutions for Busy Families Part II—Saving Even More Hours Each Day!

Earlier this week, I wrote about simple solutions for busy families. If you haven’t read that post, check it out here. Hopefully, through that one tip alone you have saved yourselves hours each day that you can enjoy with your spouse, kids, or friends.

There are plenty of other areas in which Americans can get back the time that seems to be slipping through our fingers. Curbing online time is another huge potential area for time savings. This is certainly an area in which I could improve. My time wasters include checking CNN, Facebook, Twitter and email too frequently.

How do we spend time online?

For most Americans, online time is dominated by social networking and gaming, according to this Nielsen report.

A Forrester survey (Dec. 2010) says that Americans spend an average of 13 hours per week online. The vast majority of this time was spent on social networking, playing games or videos, and tiny percentage actually caught up on the news. Americans spent a total of 53.5 billion minutes logged onto Facebook in May of 2011, according to Nielsen. This makes it the most popular website in the U.S. Some age groups spend as much or more time online as they do watching TV. Mobile devices that are connected to the Internet are adding to the growth of time spent online. Mashable Tech has more info on these trends.

For younger Americans, the changes may be more dramatic. According to this New York Times article from 2010, “the average young American now spends practically every waking minute — except for the time in school — using a smart phone, computer, television or other electronic device, according to a new study from the Kaiser Family Foundation.” The article says kids aged 8 to 18 spend 7.5 hours a day with their various devices, 1.5 additional hours texting, and a half hour talking on their cellphones. (The article has lots of interesting info on kids and media use if you’re interested.)

6 ways to save time online

Technology is nearly ubiquitous, but I’m not giving away my iPhone anytime soon. Most of us find it helpful, entertaining, and/or addictive. You can make small changes that will add up to a lot of time saved.

  1. Consider whether keeping Twitter and Facebook on your home computer not on your mobile device could save you many interruptions during your day for not-so-crucial updates. You might even consider, like my husband, not participating in social media–egads! Or, pick one or two brief times a day to scan and post updates.
  2. Ditto for email. After checking one email, I’ve read it takes several minutes to refocus on a task. So, processing a large group of email is more efficient than doing so all day long. And don’t do it first thing in the morning when you could be most productive on an important task.
  3. Don’t be afraid to set family guidelines for online time and/or device time. Learn how to tune out the world and focus on each other. Turn phones off for dinner, dates or other special times.
  4. Place time limits on social networking and game time (or Pinterest, etc.). Consider “rewarding” yourself only after you’ve done something higher up on your priority list like taking a family walk.
  5. Keep computers and laptops out of the bedrooms. A computer screen isn’t conducive to sleep and hinders intimacy. And for kids, it prevents good sleep habits and encourages more time spent online.
  6. Give yourselves a deadline where you’ll both be offline and able to connect with each other at the end of the day. Many nights, we’ve both been on the computer waiting for the other person to be done, not communicating that we weren’t doing anything important.

What online tips do you have for saving time? Do you consider your computer and Internet-connected devices helpful or harmful to your family?

Lori Lowe is the author of First Kiss to Lasting Bliss: Hope & Inspiration for Your Marriage. It tells the inspiring, true stories of couples who used adversity to improve their marriages–from overcoming drug addiction to cancer, infidelity, religious differences, family interference and infertility, among many others. It’s available  at Amazon.com and in all e-book formats at www.LoriDLowe.com.

Photo by jscreationzs courtesy of freedigitalphotos.net