Tag Archives: drifting apart

Great Sources for Marriage Tips

If you haven’t had the chance to check out The Long Haul Project, it’s a great blog for marriage insights. It’s a husband and wife team of Tom (the Brit) and Melissa (the Yank), who are on a journey to save their marriage by meeting married couples in cities around the globe and asking them to share their secrets. Recently, they were kind enough to interview me about First Kiss to Lasting Bliss and the insights I had gained in my research for my own marriage. Read the interview here.

Another great source for marriage insights is Gina Parris of Winning at Romance. Gina doesn’t mince words and shares LOTS of romantic insights to make your marriage sizzling. She recently asked me to write about Making Long-Distance Love Work, something I know a bit about as the wife of a pilot. I share insights from a military couple who was separated during war time. Gina has lots of audio programs, articles and podcasts to improve the intimacy in your marriage, so check it out.

One more link for you, Beverly Willett from Huffington Post recently interviewed me on the topic of “Is Lasting Bliss Really Possible?” With all the year’s headlines about marriage being obsolete, it’s a valid question to ask. Add your opinions, whether you agree with my take or not.

I’ll be sharing more good blogs for you as we enter the new year. There are lots on my blogroll if you’re looking for other great sites to help you keep your marriage solid and growing. If you’re not growing, you’re drifting.

NOTE:
My new book, First Kiss to Lasting Bliss: Hope & Inspiration for Your Marriage is now available. Go here for links to Amazon print version or e-books for Kindle, iTunes, Sony, Nook or PDF. If you’ve already bought the book, don’t forget to email me for your 7 free marriage improvement gifts, including everything from an e-book to improve your sex life to date night suggestions, an iPhone app with daily marriage tips, a marriage refresher workbook, a video to hone your communication skills, and tips for how to connect on a daily basis with your spouse in just 15 minutes a day.

Don’t bother rekindling your marriage … create something new

One of the most common requests from readers is for content on how to keep the spark burning in the marriage or to rekindle romance. Dr. Corey Allan has an excellent response to this age-old issue. Enjoy this guest post by Corey Allan, PhD, from SimpleMarriage.net.
 
There is a popular belief in the marriage and relationship world that when the doldrums hit and you find yourself more numb than really alive, you should look for ways to get back what you once had.

Call it a spark. A zest. A passion. Whatever.

The point is, something’s missing and since you once had it – you can go back and find it again.

Wrong.

Life is not lived backwards.

Our past is important.

Who we once were is what our spouse found attractive (since that person caught the eye of your spouse and reeled them in the rest of the way). But the previous version of you is long gone and trying to go back and find him/her is a path to more frustration.

While you may be able to produce a brief spark by reminiscing about when you were dating, it won’t be a lasting spark.

The main reason – you’re up against the “love drug” in your brain.

When you first met and fell in love with your spouse you both experienced a chemically induced high. Your brain flooded with a chemical called Phenylethylamine (PEA), which remains in your brain from 6 months to 2 years. PEA produces a feeling of euphoria, a sense of belonging, and a feeling of obsession (which is why you want to talk and be with your new found love every moment).

As PEA fades over time (and it will) many people believe that you can recreate the same levels of emotion within the relationship. Problem is, you can’t.

You cannot go back a manufacture PEA in your brain within the same relationship (although I’m sure the pharmaceutical companies are trying to figure out a way).

What you can do, increase the levels of Oxytocin in your system.

Oxytocin is known as the “bonding” chemical. It produces the deep connection to others, the lasting bond that long term relationships create. Oxytocin is released when you bond with another person – the most intense experiences are mother and infant while nursing and during orgasm. But other contacts create this bond as well: massages, eye contact, hugs, holding hands.

On the other end of the spectrum, going through crisis and tragedy together dramatically increases the levels of Oxytocin as well.

This is why it is worth it to work through the rough patches in marriage.

What it produces is a deeper, more lasting bond.

Now that you know what you’re up against when you face the monotonous times in marriage, here’s a couple of ideas to help up the Oxytocin in your life:

1. Catch romance where you can
You can learn to build romance at unexpected times — during your daily commute, while doing laundry — you can even do this through a long, lingering kiss or just holding hands. In other words, the next time you hear find you’ve got a couple of minutes to yourselves, make use of it — give that  Oxytocin a boost.

2. Nurture your separate selves
Having your own hobbies isn’t a sign you are drifting apart. On the contrary, developing individual interests allows for a richer life as a couple. Taking personal responsibility for your own well-being relieves the your spouse of the pressure to “provide” happiness — so go ahead and nurture some solo adventures. That’ll also keep each of you stocked with plenty of adventures to chat about, which also tightens your bond.

3. Take on a project together
Separate interests aside, exploring new ground together is also important since it strengthens your history of shared experiences (Oxytocin boost). Commit to run a 5K together. Create a project for your home or kids. Big projects together offer increases in Oxytocin because they are often filled with highs and lows, but the lows will create a bond as well. Couples who take on adventures together get a sense of daring and accomplishment that can really kick up their chemistry!

4. Touch each other (sexually and non-sexually)
The boost of connection you receive from human touch is huge. And every touch doesn’t have to be sexual in nature. Sure, sexual touch is important and will increase the connection, but so will non-sexual touch. Hold hands, hug, sit close beside one another, cuddle. Each little (or big) gesture can cause a boost of Oxytocin for both of you.

Got any more to add? Share them in the comments.

Thanks so much for the great advice!

Photo by manostphoto courtesy of freedigitalphotos.net.