Category Archives: Sex

3 Tips to Warm Up Your Marriage This Winter

Posted on January 16, 2012 | 14 Comments

Women’s Health Magazine had some good suggestions in its September 2011 issue that I thought I’d share. These cold winter months are the perfect time for giving your spouse some extra attention.

  1. Pretend you just met. Author and psychologist Terri Orbuch, PhD, says couples often stop asking “get to know you” questions, because they think they already know each other. However, since we all change and develop, we need to be constantly checking in to keep the daily connection growing. So, instead of chatting about your daily agenda, spend some time pretending like you just started dating. Ask what he would do if he won the lottery or what her favorite book is. Or, ask about positive family memories or what the best ball game was he ever watched. Anything that would spark a good conversation. Don’t assume you know all your partner’s responses even if you’ve been married a long time.
  2. Tweet responsibly. Avid tweeters tend to have shorter relationships—10 percent shorter, on average. If you’re big into social media, learn how to disconnect from technology and truly connect with your spouse. (Based on a survey of 100,000 people from OKCupid.com) Be sure the time you tweet isn’t time taken away from being one-on-one with your spouse.
  3. Be intimate at least weekly. Frequency of sex is a marker for successful relationships. The average American couple gets busy two or three times a month. But increasing this to once a week generates as much bliss as earning an additional $50,000 in annual income, according to researchers from Dartmouth College and the University of Warwick in England. They even explain the reasoning behind the statistic. “Couples who like each other end up in bed more often, says the study author. “And it’s the liking-each-other part that increases joy.

If one of your goals for 2012 is to give your relationship a shot of inspiration, read my book, First Kiss to Lasting Bliss: Hope & Inspiration for Your Marriage , which tells the stories of a dozen amazing couples who used adversity to improve their marriage. Go here for links to Amazon print version or e-books for Kindle, iTunes, Sony, Nook or PDF. If you already have the book, don’t forget to email me for your 7 free marriage improvement gifts, including everything from an e-book to improve your sex life to date night suggestions, an iPhone app with daily marriage tips, a marriage refresher workbook, a video to hone your communication skills, and tips for how to connect on a daily basis with your spouse in just 15 minutes a day.

Photo by Ambro courtesy of Freedigitalphotos.net

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Best Posts of 2011

Posted on January 2, 2012 | 1 Comment

I encourage you to read Best Marriage Quotes of 2011 from Sheila Wray Gregoire of To Love, Honor & Vaccuum. She pulls insightful quotes and 50 of the best links on the topics of perspective, sex, commitment, acceptance, and marriage tips.  While you are there, you may want to check out her other articles. This site is very helpful, particularly for women who want to improve the intimacy and sexual quality in their marriage.

One of the quotes Sheila mentioned also struck me as very important: “What you do EVERY DAY matters much more than what do ONCE IN A WHILE.” This is from an interesting post at Simple Marriage offering The Secrets of Marriage.

For those of you inclined to set goals, make changes or resolutions for 2012, it’s great to keep this point in mind that it is daily actions that matter most to our marital happiness and our overall happiness. While it’s great to plan an annual family vacation or a monthly chat with a friend, these may not be enough of a stress reliever to deal with the everyday problems we face. On the other hand, if we can adopt (or increase in frequency) some behaviors that help us on a daily basis, we may have a happier year. Think of SMALL, DOABLE actions you can do daily to benefit your marriage this year.

Many of us don’t need to revamp our lives or change our entire lifestyle. But by finding small ways to improve our day, to encourage each other, to reduce stress and to show gratitude and joy, we can make a big difference in an entire year. For example, maybe you can discuss an ideal greeting for each other when you meet at the end of each day–making time for a real hug and kiss. Or perhaps you can share a cup of coffee in the morning or carve out a few minutes daily to connect.

The most popular blog post from Marriage Gems for 2011 was: Why are women less happy then men in marriage? This was an interesting discussion, and you can still add your opinion.

I want to wish you and your family a fabulous year ahead full of love and good health.

If one of your goals for 2012 is to give your relationship a shot of inspiration, I hope you will consider purchasing my book, First Kiss to Lasting Bliss: Hope & Inspiration for Your Marriage , which tells the stories of a dozen amazing couples who used adversity to improve their marriage. Go here for links to Amazon print version or e-books for Kindle, iTunes, Sony, Nook or PDF. If you’ve already bought the book, don’t forget to email me for your 7 free marriage improvement gifts, including everything from an e-book to improve your sex life to date night suggestions, an iPhone app with daily marriage tips, a marriage refresher workbook, a video to hone your communication skills, and tips for how to connect on a daily basis with your spouse in just 15 minutes a day.

Photo by Salvatore Vuono courtesy of freedigitalphotos.net.

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Posted in Books, Divorce, Family, Happiness, Love, Marriage Research, Relationships, Sex, Uncategorized

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Does Your Marriage Have Areas for Improvement?

Posted on December 20, 2011 | 2 Comments

If you are hoping to improve or even maintain your relationship in 2012, it may help to know what the major sources of conflict are. What do couples fight most about, and can you assess your personal behavior in these areas to ensure you are not contributing to that conflict?

The Science of Relationships provides the Top 15 Sources of Conflict in Relationships with a brief explanation of each that I think is very helpful. It includes everything from being inconsiderate to poor grooming. First, ask yourself what the most common conflict topics are in your relationship, then check the list. Be honest about an area in which you might be able to improve. This isn’t the time to blame your partner, but rather to look a way you might take some responsibility for a bit of self-improvement. Personally, I hope to improve my daily efforts toward generosity this year.

For some additional helpful reading, The Generous Husband’s Paul Byerly has done a good job dissecting The State of Our Unions: Marriage in America 2011—research completed by the National Marriage Project. This is the research I wrote about recently in which generosity in marriage is said to be the best indicator of a very happy marriage. There’s much more to the study. Paul explains the findings on Money and Housework, which show happier husbands and wives are part of couples for which household chores are shared equally. In addition, the study showed that financial pressure and debt decrease our marital happiness. No matter what our income, increased consumer debt is a hindrance to a happy marriage, particularly for women. He also reports on the impact of family and friends in marriage, which reminds us we should be connecting with those who support our marriage, and preferably spend time with others who have strong marriages. Finally, this is an interesting bit about the importance of shared faith within a marriage. If these reports are interesting to you, check out the full study results. (See link at beginning of paragraph.)

What area of your marriage could use some tweaking—or a complete overhaul—this coming year? Perhaps how you communicate, how you manage your finances, how you share your faith, how you share housework or raise your children, how you manage your time or your home, how you show affection, your sexual satisfaction with one another, making time to spend each day with each other? The options are nearly endless, but discuss one area with your partner in which you both will make an effort to improve, will seek out tools for improvement, and will provide honest and productive feedback with each other. If you have particular topics you would like more information about, please message me or leave it in the comments and I will provide expert insights and research-based tips for you.

For all those who celebrate the Christmas holiday this coming week, I wish you all the blessings and joy of the season. I hope for you a holiday with minimal stress and abounding love. And I wish peace and joy to all of you and to your families and friends. Thank you for allowing me into your lives.

NOTE:
My new book, First Kiss to Lasting Bliss: Hope & Inspiration for Your Marriage is now available. Go here for links to Amazon print version or e-books for Kindle, iTunes, Nook or e-book. If you’ve already bought the book, don’t forget to email me for your 7 free marriage improvement gifts, including everything from an e-book to improve your sex-life to date night suggestions, an iPhone app with daily marriage tips, a marriage refresher workbook, a video to hone your communication skills, and tips for how to connect on a daily basis with your spouse in just 15 minutes a day.

Photo by Arvydas Kriuksta courtesy of freedigitalphotos.net.

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Want a Happier Marriage? Be Generous.

Posted on December 13, 2011 | 6 Comments

Happier couples report more generosity in their marriages. A recent study, part of the National Marriage Project, surveyed more than 1,400 couples between the ages of 18 and 46. All the couples had children. Researchers found couples who said they had a high amount of marital generosity were five times more likely to have “very happy” marriages. The acts of generosity conveyed importance to their partner.

What does it mean to be generous? It can mean any small act of kindness. Happy couples I interviewed for my book, First Kiss to Lasting Bliss, reported many small, generous acts, such as getting a cup of tea each morning or a back rub each night. It boils down to giving something to your spouse that he or she likes—showing that you know their likes/desires and that you value them.

And the most important way to be generous? Sexually. Researchers found that spouses who reported above-average sexual satisfaction were 10 to 13 times more likely to be “very happy” in their marriage, compared with those who were less satisfied sexually. This is consistent with other research: Read Want a better marriage? Have more Sex.  Since sexual satisfaction was by far the most important indicator of a “happy marriage” for this study, it really should have been the headline, but if you consider it as part of an overall generous marriage, you can even take your marriage to a higher level.

Remember that marriage researcher John Gottman, PhD, has long advocated at least five positive interactions for every one negative interaction in a marriage as a predictor of long-term success. (Read Avoid Divorce with 5:1 Ratio.) Acts of generosity certainly help increase the number of positive interactions and encourage you and your spouse to think positively toward one another.

I think one of the biggest obstacles toward completing more generous acts is time. So, think ahead when you are shopping and grab a few small things your partner would enjoy. Stock up on their favorite drinks or treats. And try to be sensitive to their day. For example, is there an errand you could help with or something needed at home you could pick up on your way from work? And schedule time for intimacy when you won’t be exhausted.

Other factors that were important to having a very happy marriage according to the study included:

  • Level of commitment
  • Generosity and a positive attitude toward raising children
  • Social support from friends and family
  • Spirituality within a marriage

Read the story from MSNBC: Generous couples have happier marriages.

What is one generous act that you or your spouse try to do on a regular basis? (That is, outside the bedroom!)

NOTE:
My new book, First Kiss to Lasting Bliss: Hope & Inspiration for Your Marriage is now available–just in time for Christmas. Go here for links to Amazon print version or e-books for Kindle, iTunes, Nook or e-book. If you’ve already bought the book, don’t forget to email me for your 7 free marriage improvement gifts, including everything from an e-book to improve your sex-life to date night suggestions, an iPhone app with daily marriage tips, a marriage refresher workbook, a video to hone your communication skills, and tips for how to connect on a daily basis with your spouse in just 15 minutes a day.

Photo by Ambro courtesy of freedigitalphotos.net.

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Posted in Communication, Divorce, Family, Happiness, Love, Marriage, Marriage Research, Relationships, Sex

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How Birth Control May Put a Wet Blanket on Your Sex Life

Posted on November 16, 2011 | 11 Comments

A frequent concern of married couples is change in sex drive, especially a common decrease in sex drive for the woman. I’ve shared many possible problems and solutions, including foods that may increase libido and 4 tips to boost libido.

I probably haven’t spent enough time talking about medications being a very common cause of low libido. The medications that reduce sex drive could be taken by either spouse. However, birth control (i.e. the birth control pill or variations) is probably the most frequently used medication that is known to cause a significant decline in libido for users. This decline is potentially long-lasting because of  hormonal changes.

Paul and Lori Byerly recently covered the latest research on the effects of the birth control pill on your sex life. They did a terrific job outlining the research findings at The Marriage Bed. I would encourage you to read this post.

Some couples have medical reasons to choose this option despite the side effects, or otherwise feel it is the right choice for them. Even if that is the case, it is important to have the facts about all medication side effects, especially those that may affect the quality of your marriage and sex life. 

I would add that Dustin Riechmann at Engaged Marriage has written about natural family planning, which some people joke about, but which has shown to be quite effective (99%) when properly used. For Dustin and his wife and for a growing number of people who want to choose a family planning method that is environmentally friendly, without side effects and fits their moral worldview, it’s worth learning about.

Lori’s upcoming book, First Kiss to Lasting Bliss: Hope & Inspiration for Your Marriagewill be available December 8th on Amazon.com. Read about 12 inspiring couples who used adversity to strengthen their marriages. To learn more, go to www.LoriDLowe.com.  Visit the book’s Facebook page at www.Facebook.com/LastingBliss.

TOP 10 Marriage Blog Nominations
Stu and Lisa Gray of Stupendous Marriage are gathering nominations for their 3rd Annual Top Marriage Blogs List. If you’re looking for other marriage blogs, check out their list from the last couple of years. Also, you can check out my blogroll page lots of good sites. In any case, feel free to nominate any of your favorite blogs and encourage the community that gives back to marriages. I’ll let you know when the voting starts as well.

Related Links:
These ladies add a lot of thoughtful discussion to today’s blog post topic:
Julie Sibert with Intimacy in Marriage talks about the effects of birth control
Sheila Gregoire with To Love, Honor & Vacuum talks about the range of birth control options and what is best.
Hot, Holy & Humorous writes Want to Rave about Your Birth Control?

Photo by nuttakit courtesy of freedigitalphotos.net

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4 Tips to Boost Libido

Posted on October 7, 2011 | 4 Comments

“Keeping the Sparks Alive” Series

For couples in which one or both partners are experiencing low libido, a frequent question is how to boost that libido. Dr. Oz offered a few quick tips:

  1. If you are getting less than 7 ½ hour of sleep per night, your lack of sleep can be affecting your hormones and lowering your libido. Fatigue also adds to the problem.  Go to sleep one hour earlier to help get your body on track. (Preferably, go to bed together.)
  2. If your body mass index or your glucose levels are too high, this also changes your body’s hormones. Excess fat changes testosterone into estrogen. The lower testosterone reduces libido. Work with your doctor on a plan to get your BMI and glucose levels into the normal range.
  3. Consider taking zinc (8 mg/day) to help improve hormone function.
  4. Set one day a week for sex. “Sex begets sex,” says Dr. Oz.

Other frequently mentioned advice includes increasing exercising, reducing stress, and spending more quality time together.

LINKS:
Recently, I shared Which Foods are Best at Boosting Libido.
Read Kissing is all about the chemistry from USA Today for information on the science of kissing.

Photo by Leticia Wilson

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The New #1 Reason for Divorce, and How to Save Your Marriage

Posted on September 9, 2011 | 15 Comments

“Keep the Sparks Alive” Series

Since 2003, infidelity was reported as the most common reason for divorce in the United Kingdom. Now, a new reason has taken the lead in that country: falling out of love. I wouldn’t be surprised if data was similar in the United States.

According to The Christian Institute, more than 100 family lawyers were polled, revealing 25% of divorces were attributed to extramarital affairs, with 27% saying the couples had “fallen out of love” or “grew apart.”

The great news is that “falling out of love” is a preventable cause of divorce. Ask yourself if you’re doing the following 5 preventive maintenance actions.

  1. Are you spending quality time together each day (even 15-20 minutes) without TV, cell phones, computers or kids racing around?
  2. Are you sharing your needs, desires and goals?
  3. Are you actively helping your spouse meet his/her needs, desires and goals?
  4. Are you enjoying regular intimacy?
  5. Are you giving your love and attention and trying to be the best spouse you can be? Don’t wait for your spouse to start the cycle of loving actions; go first.

Couples tend to drift apart unless they take action to keep that drift from occurring. Make your marriage a priority—above job, children’s activities, housework, volunteer projects, etc.

Often, when couples feel as if they have fallen out of love, it just means they are not feeling that intense passion they did when they first got together. This is a natural hormonal process. But marriages are often revived, and loving feelings often follow loving actions. Avoid putting your relationship on life support. Keep the romance burning with time, attention and concern for one another.

Which of the 5 preventive maintenance steps does your marriage need more of?

LINKS:
Interesting debate on this CBS news clip on whether spouses should be legally required to provide sex to their partners as happened to one man in France who was sued by his wife.

Photo by photostock courtesy of freestockphotos.com.

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Which Foods Can Boost Libido?

Posted on September 2, 2011 | 3 Comments

“Keep the Sparks Alive” Series

Sometimes a change or dip in libido has more to do with hormone or energy levels that have changed. Other times, it’s a matter of exhaustion or being overscheduled.  Experts say particularly for women, scheduling time for date nights and intimacy is key to maintaining a strong connection.

For an increasing number of couples, ubiquitous technology and inability to unplug is making it difficult to physically connect and interact with others in a human way. (Achieve True Connectivity.) Share at least an hour of your day with your loved ones while you are disconnected from technology, including TV, cell phone or computer. (Read Is the Cell Phone Impeding Your Relationship?)

If you’re getting enough rest, and giving each other dedicated time, you might find certain foods affect your level of desire. It’s certainly worth supplementing diet before looking to modern medicine. Some foods have smells or shapes that affect us, and others can alter our body chemistry. Quite a lot of foods can have a substantial affect on our sex drive. Experiment with how certain foods make you feel.

Let’s start with my favorite. Chocolate has long been considered a love drug, because the ingredients phenylethylamine, tryptophan and anadamine make us feel good. In addition, the caffeine in chocolate may boost female libido. Dark chocolate is the most effective. A 2006 study in the Journal of Sexual Medicine found that women who ate chocolate on a daily basis had higher sexual function than those who didn’t. In addition to the ingredients above, it contains serotonin to boost your mood. Husbands, you have a very good reason to keep your mates supplied with dark chocolate. Wives, a small amount is ideal.

A great summer treat, watermelon helps improve blood flow to the heart and genitalia because it is rich in citruline, which helps relax blood vessels.

A yummie vegetable that helps increase sex drive in men and women is asparagus, which is rich in folate. Folate helps increase production of histamine, which is essential to maintaining libido. Avocados also increase libidos in men and women due to their B6, folic acid and potassium levels.

Researchers believe figs, which are high in amino acids, can increase libido and increase sexual stamina.

Oysters are said to increase libido in both genders, but those who (like me) dislike them can take a zinc supplement—or they could try pumpkin seeds, also rich in zinc (and without the sliminess).

Sauerkraut is another proven libido booster, at least for men. A 2002 study published in the Journal of Agricultural and Food Chemistry found that 90 percent of men felt a noticeable libido boost after eating sauerkraut.

Eggs, nuts, chilies, nutmeg, turkey, brown rice, garlic and fish (especially salmon) all contribute to healthy sex lives for both partners.

For MEN:

Foods high in zinc boost sperm production. And naturally enhancing your diet can help maintain testosterone levels. Ideal foods include broccoli, steak, beans, bananas, pine nuts, and celery.

For WOMEN:

Libido-enhancing foods help us maintain estrogen levels. Soy has been shown to boost women’s sex drive. Please note: Women with a history of breast cancer should not eat large amounts of soy due to increase recurrence rates. Basil is said to stimulate female fertility and boost libido. Foods that help maintain testosterone levels can also help.

Effective SCENTS

The following SCENTS are helpful because they increase penile blood flow: lemons, doughnuts, and licorice. (However, eating the doughnuts has the opposite effect.) For women, smelling licorice and cucumbers or baby powder provides powerful pheromones.

Sources: You Being Beautiful by Michael F. Roizen, M.D., and Mehmet C. Oz, M.D., Libido-Increasing Food, and Love Hacks.

 Photo by Ambro courtesy of freedigitalphotos.com

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Differing Sexual Needs in Marriage

Posted on August 26, 2011 | 1 Comment

“Keeping the Sparks Alive” Series

Some men feel personally rejected if their wives don’t desire them on a daily basis. This is just one example of differing sexual needs that may catch couples off guard, say couples counselors Matt and Marilyn Stevens of ConnectEd PAIRS.

They  say that for women to be ready for sex, they need affirmation, a feeling of connection, nonsexual touch, intimacy (not the sexual kind but the deeper connection kind), and romance. How often does romance lose out after the honeymoon?

On the flip side, men have other needs to feel sexually fulfilled. These include mutual satisfaction (men want to know they can please their partner, so communicate what pleases you), connection, responsiveness (i.e., eagerness rather than passivity), initiation, and affirmation.

So, if we’re keeping score, affirmation and connection were on both lists. That means all the readers today should find something they respect or appreciate in their partner and communicate it to their partner. Don’t let another day pass without building up your spouse. And work on maintaining a strong connection—listening well, providing support and loyalty to one another, and using touch throughout the day.

Then take a look at the rest of the list and see if you have any room for improvement in the areas your partner needs.

When you married, were you surprised at how different your spouse’s needs were from your own? Next Friday, I’ll share foods and scents that can boost your libido.

LINK:
Keeping Your Marriage Strong Even with Kids

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Recipe for a Successful Marriage

Posted on July 27, 2011 | 9 Comments

Think of your love as an apple pie. (That’s not hard for me, because I adore apple pie.) While each baker’s recipe may include a few different twists (nutmeg), the core ingredients (apples, sugar) must be there.

Social scientists and demographers have collected so much data on marriage that we now have “divorce-resistant” recipes for success. Deseret News (in Salt Lake City) reported last week on what demographers and sociologists say good marriages have in common. Writer David Yount explains the formulas are “simple to state but demanding to practice.” Anyone who has been married can vouch for how challenging each individual ingredient can be. And, the ingredients must be added daily, not just on a good day. I collected the facts into two different “recipes” that have some similar ingredients.

Divorce-Resistant, Happy Marriage Ingredients:

  • Mutual kindness
  • Respect and reverence
  • Appreciation of spouse as exciting, trustworthy & a sympathetic lover
  • Sensitive to partner’s emotional needs
  • Share household tasks
  • Cooperate in raising children
  • Bonus ingredients that improve your odds: common religious faith and investing in romance

Happy and Permanent Marriage Ingredients (according to the National Marriage Project and the National Opinion Research Center):

  • Similar values
  • Friendship
  • Communication
  • Sexual satisfaction
  • Mutual respect
  • Religious faith

*When the above ingredients are present, couples say they would marry the same person again.

Recipe for a complaining spouse:

  • Be dull, unattractive and ill-mannered
  • Have poor personal hygiene
  • Refuse to help around the house

Do you have all the key ingredients for a happy marriage? The good news is that nearly all of the ingredients can be learned or improved. What’s your secret ingredient—the one that adds the spice to your marriage?

*Originally published here at Marriage Gems in September 2009.

Photo courtesy of Stockvault.net by Trankov

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