Category Archives: Marriage Research

Happy Marriages for those with Chronic Illness

Posted on July 2, 2012 | 4 Comments

If you or a friend are married and struggling with a chronic illness, today’s post is for you. The Christian Marriage Bloggers Association recently featured a new blogger, Helena, with the Chronic Marriage Blog. Helena is a counselor and also lives with Muscular Dystrophy. She shared this post, Beyond the Fairy Tale with advice for all those married couples in which one of the spouses has a chronic illness. She shares the statistic that sadly the divorce rate exceeds 75 percent for those with a chronic illness.

Having a close friend with MS, and having interviewed couples with depression and other long-term illnesses, I can see the challenges it can bring to the marriage. Helena’s advice is right on target. I have also been blessed to see how some couples handle these difficulties with grace and love and are positive examples of marriage. For instance, in my book First Kiss to Lasting Bliss, I wrote about a young wife whose husband experienced a brain injury after a bike accident. He was left with physical impairments and an inability to communicate in the same manner. Yet, his mind was still astute, and his love for her never waned.  While her challenges have been intense (read Challenges for Spousal Caregivers), she says it has made their marriage more extraordinary.

Even those without a chronic illness will likely go through at least a period of illness at some point during their marriage. This may include recovering from pregnancy or the common flu. Or they may include cancer treatments, joint replacements or other times in our lives when we must rely on others for care. It is during these rough days, months or years when our character as a spouse is known, and the depth of our love and commitment is shown.

Check out the CMBA blog and the Chronic Marriage blog for some great tips.

Lori Lowe is the founder of Marriage Gems and author of First Kiss to Lasting Bliss: Hope & Inspiration for Your Marriage. It tells the inspiring, true stories of couples who used adversity to improve their marriages–from overcoming drug addiction to cancer, infidelity, religious differences, family interference and infertility, among many others. It’s available at Amazon.com and in all e-book formats at www.LoriDLowe.com.

Note: I just saw that Amazon has First Kiss to Lasting Bliss currently discounted at $13.95 for a hard copy and $8.19 for the Kindle edition!

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Posted in health, Love, Marriage, Marriage Research, Relationships

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Marriage Education Shows 55% Increase in Marital Satisfaction

Posted on June 8, 2012 | Leave a comment

In the nation’s largest study on the immediate and long-term impact of marriage education, surprisingly strong improvements in marital satisfaction have been shown.

Healthy Relationships California studied more than 17,000 marriage participants who took a skills-based marriage education course. Before the course, only 44 percent of the married individuals considered themselves happy with their relationship, and 56 percent were moderately or highly distressed in their marriage.

Six months following the course, 32 percent were distressed, and more than 68 percent were satisfied in their relationship. This equates to a 55 percent increase in the number of people who were satisfied in their marriage.

I believe this should convey to the average couple that learning marriage skills can be dramatically helpful in their marriage. Skills like conflict management, communication, financial skills, or any area that is difficult for you can be learned and improved. Learning how to appropriately communicate your concerns, your desires, your dreams and wishes in a way that doesn’t put your spouse on the defensive—these are important skills that can be learned even if it seems like much of your communication is filled with conflict.

You don’t have to succumb to the popular belief that all marriages decline, and that it’s all but impossible to have a successful long-term marriage. Nearly every state offers marriage education courses. Many churches and other organizations also offer classes or retreats. What skill would you and your spouse benefit from improving?

You can read more of the details here at Healthy Relationships California’s web site by Jason Krafsky.

Lori Lowe is the founder of Marriage Gems and author of First Kiss to Lasting Bliss: Hope & Inspiration for Your Marriage. It tells the inspiring, true stories of couples who used adversity to improve their marriages–from overcoming drug addiction to cancer, infidelity, religious differences, family interference and infertility, among many others. It’s available at Amazon.com and in all e-book formats at www.LoriDLowe.com.

Photo by Ambro courtesy of freedigitalphotos.net

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Simple Solutions for Busy Families—Get Back Hours a Day Starting Today!

Posted on May 22, 2012 | 8 Comments

Even with the school year winding to a close, most of the families I know are struggling with lack of time to do all they would like to do, or even all they feel they must do. It’s such a pervasive issue that affects marriages and families of all ages that it’s worth spending some time to see if there are solutions.

I was prompted to write this from a couple of things I’ve read recently, the most recent of which was a blog post by Kathleen Quiring on “The Importance of Not Being Busy.”  She makes many good cases for striving to be less busy, including the fact that busy people are less likely to give their time to help those in need. (FYI, this isn’t just her opinion; it’s been shown in research.)  Also, busy people are more likely to get into accidents, to sleep and eat poorly, to yell more, and to waste more resources in the name of convenience.

Yes, these are all important reasons. I think even more important is the fact that your family needs you to be present and available, and to do that you need to have time to give. Most of us don’t even have wiggle room in the schedule. When we are rushing from one event to the next, it’s hard to be present and loving—let alone patient and kind. A marriage needs time to be nurtured. We need time to go on dates, or even to watch a movie at home together. We need time to talk and to make love. For those of us with kids, we need time to have real conversations, not just discussions of homework and the schedule of supervised activities or sports. I read a stat today that I seriously hope is wrong that says the average number of minutes per WEEK that parents spend in meaningful conversations with their children is 3.5. I wonder how many minutes per week we spend in meaningful talks with our spouses.

Is there a way out of this busyness trap? Of course. But when I said the solutions were simple, I didn’t say they were easy. They are doable! What would you do with an extra 20 to 30 hours a week? Would it fall through the cracks or would you spend it with your husband, wife, friends, sleeping, or enjoying your hobbies? Could you use the time to better organize your home or family so life doesn’t seem so chaotic? First decide what you would do with that time so you have the motivation you need to make changes.

Today I’ll focus on the absolute biggest time waster for the average American family, then I’ll add some additional tips later in the week.

Your TV May Be Stealing Your Family Life

Nielsen surveys say that say the average American watches four hours of TV per day. That adds up to two months non-stop in a year, or nine years of your life up to age 65. Nine years! The TV is on for six hours and 47 minutes a day in most American homes. And about half of Americans say they think they watch too much TV. Two-thirds watch it while eating dinner.

The average adult male watches 29 hours of TV per week; the average adult female watches even more–34 hours per week. And remember the kids having less than four minutes a week having real talks with their parents? They watch an average of 1,680 minutes of TV a week. When I shared this with my son, he said, if that’s the average, then lots of people watch even more than that! My daughter chimed in, “I’m glad we’re not average.”

I’m not saying TV is terrible in itself. But it’s what we are giving up to have so much of it. What is the opportunity cost for you? What could you accomplish with an extra hour or four extra hours a day? You get to choose what you think is most important in your life. In my experience, TV shows can feel pretty addictive. We get into patterns and they are hard to break. We think of the characters as friends, even as we neglect our own friends. Even the marketing campaigns convince you it’s “must-see” TV. But if you stop watching the new shows, they can’t pull you in.

During the last few years, my husband and I have drastically cut down on TV time. Even when he is traveling on business, he only watches TV if he’s in the exercise room working out. I enjoy a few minutes with Matt Lauer in the mornings, and TV helps me pass the time on the treadmill, but most evenings the TV is not turned on.  I’ve used my extra evening time to write a book (see the end of this post), read many great books, take tennis lessons, and enjoy more time with my family. And I often write this blog in the time that used to be eaten up by TV. I do sometimes miss a show I wish I’d seen. But by the miracle of the Internet, if I really want to see it later, I can watch it commercial- free online. I’m not a fan of TIVO, because I think it encourages more TV watching. My kids watch less than an hour a week and don’t seem harmed by it in the least.

If you and your spouse enjoy the same show, at least you can enjoy it side by side and maybe trade back or foot massages. I cringe when I see that often one spouse watches one TV while the other watches something else in a different room. Every night.

OK, my last point is regarding TV in the bedroom. I’ve said it before, but research shows couples with a TV in the bedroom cut their sex life in half. An Italian study showed having no TV in the bedroom doubles the couple’s sexual frequency.

I can hear people saying, “but TV relaxes me” or “I need to veg out after a long day of work.” But it’s just a habit that’s been formed. You could just as well relax by taking a walk or having a glass of wine with your honey on the porch. What new habits could you form that would be fun for you and would benefit your family?

If you’re not a big TV watcher, first ask yourself if that’s really true or if you just aren’t adding it all up. But if TV isn’t an issue or you aren’t willing to cut back, stay tuned for other solutions this week.

Please share if you have found cutting back on TV helpful for you or your family—as well as other solutions for your busy life.

Lori Lowe is the author of First Kiss to Lasting Bliss: Hope & Inspiration for Your Marriage. It tells the inspiring, true stories of couples who used adversity to improve their marriages–from overcoming drug addiction to cancer, infidelity, religious differences, family interference and infertility, among many others. It’s available  at Amazon.com and in all e-book formats at www.LoriDLowe.com.

Photo by Ambro courtesty of freedigitalphotos.net

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Posted in Family, Happiness, health, Love, Marriage, Marriage Research, Parenting, Personal Growth, Relationships, Research, Sex

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More Couples are Sliding into Cohabitation

Posted on May 11, 2012 | 2 Comments

According to the New York Times, cohabitation in the U.S. has increased by more than 1,500 percent in the last 50 years. While many people still have moral and/or religious issues with cohabitation, more than half of all marriages are now preceded by living together. If you are thinking about whether cohabitation is feasible for you (i.e., saving money while you decide if your partner is marriage material), read “The Downside of Cohabitation Before Marriage” from The New York Times’ opinion pages by Meg Jay. Despite the title, she is not really against the idea of cohabitation; she just offers an array of warnings. She discusses “the cohabitation effect” as well as researchers’ findings that cohabiting partners often have differing, unspoken agendas. She touches on research that shows a strong strong correlation between cohabitation before marriage and lower marital satisfaction.  Read on for more insights into this piece from our guest contributor. Breakups may also involve division of substantial assets like homes. That’s where today’s contributor comes in.

Today’s guest post by Indianapolis realtor and relocation expert (and friend of mine!), Kristie Smith. Kristie is always on the front edge of trends, and she has found the need to provide more than the usual housing expertise to her clients. While in the past, most buyers were either single or married, today’s realtors need to be prepared to sell homes to the growing number of cohabitating partners who may or may not understand the legal implications of such a decision. When I found this article on her blog, I thought many of you would be interested in reading her insights.  And if not, maybe you’ll like the clip from Mad Men. By the way, Kristie is happily married and resides in Indianapolis. She’s a long-time supporter of Marriage Gems and of my book, First Kiss to Lasting Bliss. Thanks, Kristie!

Guest post by Kristie Smith

Kristie Smith

If you caught the April 29 episode of Mad Men, in one of the climatic scenes, Peggy’s very Catholic mother admonishes her daughter after Peggy announces that she’s moving in with her boyfriend, Abe. “You are selling yourself short,” Mrs. Olsen says, explaining her anger. “This boy, he will use you for practice until he decides to get married and have a family. And he will, believe me.” Watch the first two minutes of the clip below for an inside look at this story line!

The show takes place in 1965, so Mrs. Olsen’s reaction may seem quite old-fashioned when viewed through the lens of today’s “anything goes” culture. But was Peggy’s mom on to something?

A recent must-read column in the New York Times suggests that she was. According to the article, while two-thirds of 20-somethings say that moving in together is a good way to test the waters before marriage, and therefore avoid divorce, research shows that couples who live together before marriage (and especially before an engagement or an otherwise clear commitment) “tend to be less satisfied with their marriages — and more likely to divorce — than couples who do not.”

Why is this? Meg Jay, a clinical psychologist and author of the column, describes a phenomenon called “sliding before deciding.” You’re together all the time, you sleep over frequently and then voila—you’re living together, more for reasons of convenience and finance than real commitment. And once this arrangement begins, it’s hard to get out of, especially if you buy furniture, a pet or even a home together. Jay compares it to opting in for a credit card with zero percent interest for the first year. After 12 months, the interest shoots up to 23 percent; you haven’t paid off the balance and, whoa—you’re locked in.

I do tend to be of the conservative persuasion, like Mrs. Olsen. In addition to the social implications of the living-together-before-marriage trend, which I find fascinating, I of course am interested in the real estate implications. After all, nearly 40 percent of all closings that I attend are for non-traditional buyers, and statistics show that more than eight percent of all owner-occupied homes in the U.S. are owned by unmarried couples.

Before you get into what could turn out to be a bad situation (some say a breakup between two unmarried people who own property together can be worse than a divorce), here are some big issues you should take into consideration:

  • What if you buy a house together and you eventually break up? This is a significant consideration given that almost half of unmarried couples break up within five years, and unmarried couples do not have the benefit of legal protections that married couples enjoy. To protect yourself, it’s of utmost importance to put the answer to this question in writing. Work with an attorney to draw up a Home Sharing Agreement, which will spell out your individual rights and responsibilities with respect to the property as you purchase your new home and on an ongoing basis.
  • What if one of us doesn’t want to sell the home after a break up? If there is no Home Sharing Agreement and you break up, you can mutually decide what happens to the home. If the house has no mortgage, then one party can simply sign a quit-claim deed and remove all rights to the home. This makes sense if the home has little or no equity. However, if there is a mortgage on the property in both names, you cannot simply quit-claim your interest and walk away. That mortgage and debt impact will influence your credit (and buying potential) until the home is eventually sold or refinanced. Therefore, it’s critical that if a partner is keeping the house, he MUST refinance the loan into just his name. If the remaining partner cannot get approved for the loan solo, then the property must be sold to protect the displaced mate’s credit and financial responsibility for the home.
  • What if you move in to a home that your partner already owns and you then break up? It doesn’t matter how much money you put toward maintenance, improvements and other expenses. The home is in your partner’s name, which means you will have no legal recourse should you break up.
  • What if one person owns the house and there is a death? Because of this possibility, it’s important to write the deed in both of the couple’s names with “rights of survivorship,” even if only one person is financially responsible on the mortgage.  If the title is NOT set up this way, the house will go to the next of kin of the “owner.”

Although many unmarried couples slip into their living arrangements because of convenience, living together brings up all kinds of legal considerations, especially when an unmarried couple buys a home together.  Although you may think that you don’t need a piece of paper to prove your love, you should at the very least have a home sharing agreement to protect your interests. Marriage shouldn’t be entered into lightly, and neither should living together. To echo Peggy’s mom, don’t sell yourself short.

——

Thanks to Kristie for sharing her insights. You can reach Kristie at www.IndyHomes.com.

Lori Lowe, founder of Marriage Gems, is the author of First Kiss to Lasting Bliss: Hope & Inspiration for Your Marriage. It tells the inspiring, true stories of couples who used adversity to improve their marriages–from overcoming drug addiction to cancer, infidelity, religious differences, family interference and infertility, among many others. It’s available  at Amazon.com and in all e-book formats at www.LoriDLowe.com.

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Posted in cohabitation, Divorce, Family, Happiness, Love, Marriage, Marriage Research, Relationships, Sex

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Top 15 Reasons Romantic Partners Fight

Posted on May 7, 2012 | 2 Comments

The following list from Science of Relationships shows the top sources of conflict in order of the most common themes. Only about 100 people were surveyed for the results, so it’s not a large sampling. However, I found several things interesting. For instance, being overly self-absorbed about your appearance causes more conflict than being disheveled in your appearance.  And being condescending is number one on the list, something you would think most romantic partners would be above. I was also surprised that being jealous, possessive or dependent ranked so high on the list at number two. Read the rest of the 15 hot-button conflict issues for couples here.

Keep in mind that the degree of conflict can vary greatly on the list. For example, not factoring in your partner’s feelings is a much smaller slight than being sexually aggressive or forceful. As you read the list, think about whether there are any areas in which you have been guilty or less than loving. If so, ask yourself what the underlying reasons for your behavior might be and how you can change and improve. Then, go to your spouse and ask for forgiveness along with sharing your decision to improve that behavior. Ask for their input. If your spouse needs some time to think about your actions before discussing it or forgiving you, try not to be defensive. Sometimes it takes longer to get over slights and emotional wounds than you think. Often, your loving actions will speak louder than your promises to do better.

I don’t advise you to use the list to point out all the ways in which your partner could be a better spouse. The most effective way to improve your relationship is to focus on what you can control–your own actions and responses. Be the spouse you would like to have. Act with love and respect. Even in cases where your spouse is in the wrong, you can address the situation in a loving manner and stand up for yourself. That means loving and respecting yourself, too.  

Do you feel as if you have good conflict management skills, or that conversations quickly turn into arguments, which get heated and don’t usually get resolved? Remember that conflict management and communication are easily learned skills that are taught both online and with skills trainers at retreats or with coaches/counselors. If conflict is bringing your relationship down, invest in learning these skills. One inexpensive place to learn relationship skills online while retaining your privacy and using as much or little time as you wish is PO2.com, or Power of Two Marriage. (I don’t receive any compensation for mentioning them, I merely think they offer an innovative service.) The organization provides entertaining videos and tips to help you practice and improve various skills.

Which areas of conflict are most frequent for you?  I noticed many of the commonly mentioned topics are not on the list, such as financial conflict and conflict having to do with extended family or friends. I was also surprised that chores/childcare/division of labor wasn’t on the list. Are these biggies for you?

Lori Lowe is the author of First Kiss to Lasting Bliss: Hope & Inspiration for Your Marriage. It tells the inspiring, true stories of couples who used adversity to improve their marriages–from overcoming drug addiction to cancer, infidelity, religious differences, family interference and infertility, among many others. It’s available  at Amazon.com and in all e-book formats at www.LoriDLowe.com.

Photo by David Castillo Dominici courtesy of freedigitalphotos.net.

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Posted in Communication, Divorce, Family, Happiness, Love, Marriage, Marriage Research, Relationships

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Is “Good Fighting” Beneficial to Marriage?

Posted on April 10, 2012 | 3 Comments

Many couples fear that frequent arguing can signal their relationship’s demise. It may be the type of arguing you do, not the frequency, that determines your fate.

Do couples that fight actually have an edge? A 2012 study found that 44 percent of married couples believe that fighting more than once a week helps keep the lines of communication open.

William Doherty, professor in the University of Minnesota’s department of family social science says although this study was done in India, it reinforces similar U.S. studies. He warns, however, that only “good fighting” can be helpful, and that “bad fighting” can be destructive.

A “good fight” would be a discussion or conflict with a soft start-up rather than a hard start-up. For example, a soft start-up may begin, “I’m feeling very overwhelmed and could really use some help.” On the other hand, a hard start-up may begin, “Why am I the only one who ever does any housework around here?”

Here are a few other tips from Doherty on “good fighting”:

  1. Dealing with an issue can be better than ignoring it, especially if resentment is building.
  2. Focus only on the topic at hand; don’t bring up old issues.
  3. Don’t bring in third parties or their opinions.
  4. Don’t compare your spouse to someone else.
  5. Don’t use “you always/never”.
  6. Remember to RESPECT one another.
  7. Apologize when it’s warranted. This shows you value the relationship.

You can check out the source article at the Chicago Tribune: Couples who argue together stay together.

Check out Lori Lowe’s book, First Kiss to Lasting Bliss: Hope & Inspiration for Your Marriage,  at Amazon.com and in all e-book formats at www.LoriDLowe.com. 

Photo by Photostock courtesy of freedigitalphotos.net.

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Posted in Communication, Family, Happiness, Love, Marriage, Marriage Research, Relationships, Research

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U.S. Marriage and Divorce Stats

Posted on April 4, 2012 | 3 Comments

You may be interested to read the marriage and divorce data  from the U.S. Census Bureau for 2008 (the most recent data available).

  • 52% of men in the U.S. are currently married; 9% are currently divorced
  • 48% of women in the U.S. are currently married; 12% are divorced

Idaho (apparently not just known for potatoes) has the highest percentage of married men and women. You can view the detailed marriage and divorce data by state here.

Warm Welcome to this New Site–Congrats to Laura and Chris, who recently launched the blog, www.twoinfps.com. A new post offers “sage relationship advice from 14 experts” including best tips for relationship happiness. They were kind enough to include some advice from Marriage Gems. You can read the full post here, or just stop by to say hi.

As always, you can check out my book, First Kiss to Lasting Bliss: Hope & Inspiration for Your Marriage,  Amazon.com and in all e-book formats at www.LoriDLowe.com.  Have a happy spring! And a happy and blessed holy week and Easter to all those who celebrate it.

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Posted in Divorce, Marriage, Marriage Research

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Is Divorce Rate Booming for Boomers?

Posted on March 19, 2012 | 6 Comments

While overall U.S. divorce rates have declined in recent years, the divorce rates have spiked for baby boomers who are in the 50 to 60 age group. The Wall Street Journal calls this trend “gray divorce” and recently analyzed some of the factors contributing to the trend. (Read “The Gray Divorcés” for full details.)

Late in life divorces used to be unusual, but are now more common. In 1990, only one in ten people who got divorced were 50 or older. By 2009, the number was about one in four. More than 600,000 people aged 50 and older got divorced in 1009, according to the WSJ. Divorces in middle age can be financially devastating, says the paper, and those who remarry have to address issues over estates, inheritances, and children from previous marriages.

The WSJ reported on some of the risk factors behind these gray divorces, and says one of the best explanations for the rise in divorce rates for this age group is that more of them have already been divorced once. “Second and subsequent marriages have a 150 percent greater chance of ending in divorce than do first marriages.”

Another risk factor is a more recent marriage. Nearly half of divorced individuals were married fewer than 20 years, while three-fifths of those married more than 30 years stayed together.

Race also impacted boomer divorce rates, with blacks being 75 percent more likely to divorce after age 50, and Hispanics being 21 percent more likely than whites.

Those with a college education had a 17 percent lower probability of divorce than those with only a high school diploma.

In an AARP study asking older individuals about their reasons for divorce, 29 percent cited marital infidelity as a cause, which is similar to the rate in other age groups. Women also initiated 66 percent of the divorces, which is also similar to other age groups.

There have not been comprehensive national studies about other reasons for late divorces. “If there’s a silver lining to the rise in gray divorces, it’s that the rate may fall for subsequent generations,” says the WSJ article. The reason is that with divorce rates declining for those in their 20s, 30s or 40s, the biggest risk factor for divorce (a previous divorce) will be lessened. In addition, the newspaper cited GenXers as having “relatively stable marriages so far” and states they could stay married longer than generations before them.

Next time, I’ll follow up with a final post on this gray divorce trend, including what boomers’ focus on self-fulfillment–as opposed to previous generations’ focus on role fulfillment—may have to do with the increase in the divorce rate.

What do you think are the biggest reasons for the boomers’ booming divorce rate?

Lori Lowe’s book First Kiss to Lasting Bliss: Hope & Inspiration for Your Marriage is now available on Amazon.com and in all e-book formats at www.LoriDLowe.com.  Lori and her husband of 16 years live in Indianapolis with their two children.

Link:

Check out this thought-provoking post from Corey Allan, PhD, called “Marriage is Easy.” He says, “If you want your marriage to keep getting better over time and lighten your load rather than add to your burden, you must take responsibility for both how you behave and for what behaviors you accept from your spouse.” Yes, I agree. Working through this kind of conflict may help you get to a better place.

Photo by Photostock courtesy of freedigitalphotos.net.

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Posted in Divorce, Family, Happiness, Love, Marriage, Marriage Research, Relationships

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Divorce Rates are Declining, and Why Stats are Overrated

Posted on February 24, 2012 | 6 Comments

One of the biggest myths I frequently hear reported is that half of all marriages end in divorce. Analysts at McCrindle Research report that the divorce rate is one in three, not one in two.  “Marriages are actually doing better these days and the divorce rates are declining and have been for more than 30 years,” says social analyst Mark McCrindle.

The “one in two marriages will fail” is an example of a myth perpetuated by careless reporting of statistics. McCrindle says myths become accepted because the numbers give them “an element of believability.”

What harm is there to believing incorrect facts about marriage? Plenty. Couples enter marriage with lower expectations when they hear divorce rates of 50 percent and higher. Some decide it’s not even worth the risk of marriage, because they fear divorce is inevitable. I hear many young people questioning why they would get married when they lived through a family breakdown and/or hear the difficult odds of marital success. And others decide not to fight for their marriage or commit during difficulties, because they don’t believe they will succeed “against the odds.” Incorrect stats can therefore lead to lower marriage rates and higher divorce rates.

Research was carried out by the Australian Bureau of Statistics-based research to disprove five commonly accepted, but incorrect assumptions often heard in daily life. Two of the assumptions related to marriage. Other than the divorce rate, the other myth relates to the “seven-year itch” when people believe most divorces occur. In fact, researchers say divorce comes after an average of 12.3 years. To read about the other myths, read the Herald Sun article here.

Keep in mind that “on average” means that many last longer, and many don’t last as long. If many couples divorce in the first year, that brings the average marriage length way down. If a “median” is reported, that means half of the cases fall above this time period, and half fall below it. It doesn’t mean that time period for divorce is the most frequent.

 The U.S. Census reports that roughly one in five adults has ever been divorced.

What’s the point?

The takeaway is read/share your data with a skeptical eye, and to not perpetuate myths like “half of all marriages end in divorce.” Plenty of people complain about the difficulties of marriage, but if you have a strong marriage, don’t be shy about encouraging others. Be a positive voice for marriage where you work, in your church, in your home, and your words will have a ripple effect. Share blog posts with a couple who might find them helpful, along with a short email. Or consider mentoring a younger couple if you have a strong marriage.

If you know a couple who is planning to get married, realize that they are hearing many negative comments about the odds of their eventual success. Counter that with loving comments and positivity. No couple wants to be a part of a statistic; they want to know their union is unique and celebrated.

Lori Lowe is the author of First Kiss to Lasting Bliss: Hope & Inspiration for Your Marriage. The book tells the true stories that demonstrate that marriage can thrive even in the most difficult circumstances. Learn from 12 inspiring couples who experienced child loss, infidelity, drug addiction, cancer, financial crises, brain injury, stranger rape, military service, infertility, opposing religions, unsupportive families, interracial relationships, raising special-needs children, and much more. These couples found the pressures of life didn’t destroy them; instead, they crystallized their commitment to each other. Available from Amazon.com or at your favorite e-book retailer.

Photo by Photostock courtesy of Freedigitalphotos.net.

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Posted in Divorce, Family, Love, Marriage, Marriage Research, Relationships, Research

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Which Kind of Commitment Do You Have in Your Marriage?

Posted on February 17, 2012 | 6 Comments

A group of UCLA psychologists went about determining what it means to be committed to your marriage. They found there are two kinds of commitment spouses tend to have, and only one of them predicts lower divorce rates and slower rates of deterioration in the relationship. Which type do you have?

This long-term study assessed 172 couples during the first 11 years of their marriages. After 11 years, 78.5 percent remained married, and 21.5 percent divorced. How they defined commitment early in their relationship helped predict whether the marriage lasted.

Study co-author Benjamin Karney, co-director of the Relationship Institute at UCLA, reports two definitions of relationship commitment. The first level of commitment means to the partners, “I really like this relationship and want it to continue.”  It’s easier to be committed when things are going well, and this is the first kind of commitment.

However, the psychologists said there was a deeper level of commitment that predicted fewer marital problems and lower divorce rates. The deeper level of commitment relates to when the relationship is not going as well or is experiencing problems. It is defined more like, “I’m committed to this relationship, but it’s not going very well—I need to have some resolve, make some sacrifices and take the steps I need to take to keep this relationship moving forward.” In other words, the partner is willing to take active steps to maintain the relationship, even if sacrifices are needed. He or she says, “I’m committed to making this relationship work.”

Study co-author Thomas Bradbury says this second level means that when you are struggling, you are willing to do what is difficult, even when you don’t want to. These more sacrificial spouses are more effective in solving problems, have lower divorce rates, and slower rates of relationship deterioration, say the psychologists.

This is consistent with the results of interviews I have done with happily married couples, many of whom have experience very difficult periods. In fact, one of the 12 key lessons shared in my book, First Kiss to Lasting Bliss, by couples who have overcome adversity, is that love is sacrificial. I address how to create a cycle of giving in which both partners look out for the other’s needs, and both are rewarded.

When both partners were willing to make sacrifices for the marriage, they were significantly more likely to have lasting and happy marriages, say the researchers, who studied the couples as newlyweds then followed up with them every six months for four years, then later in their marriages.

Bradbury says relationships are vulnerable when under a great deal of stress or when there’s a “high-stakes decision” about which you disagree. “Those are the defining moments in a relationship,” he says. “What our data indicate is that committing to the relationship rather than committing to your own agenda and your own immediate needs is a far better strategy. We’re not saying it’s easy.”  He adds that successful couples are able to shift the focus away from who is “winning” to how to keep the relationship preserved. Read more about the study in this article, “Here is What Real Commitment to Your Marriage Means.”

Another strategy the psychologists recommend against is “bank-account relationships” in which each person keeps score of how often they compromise or get their way. This is not effective in lasting, happy relationships, they say. If you’re keeping score, your focus is still on winning, not on strengthening the relationship.

So, how would you define your level of commitment to your marriage on the day you married? And how would you define it today? Are you willing to communicate effectively, to sacrifice for the good of the relationship when necessary, and to not keep score when things are tough?

If you missed the previous post, read other findings in the study about the hidden forces in your marriage–genes that may affect how you interact with your spouse.

Lori Lowe is the author of First Kiss to Lasting Bliss: Hope & Inspiration for Your Marriage. The book tells the true stories that demonstrate that marriage can thrive even in the most difficult circumstances. Learn from 12 inspiring couples who experienced child loss, infidelity, drug addiction, cancer, financial crises, brain injury, stranger rape, military service, infertility, opposing religions, unsupportive families, interracial relationships, raising special-needs children, and much more. These couples found the pressures of life didn’t destroy them; instead, they crystallized their commitment to each other.

Photo by salvatore vuony courtesy of freedigitalphotos.net.

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