12 marriage pitfalls husbands can fall into

hold hands couple freeditigalphotos.net by photostockThe following dozen “don’ts” for husbands are excerpted from Turn Your Relationship into a Lifelong Love Affair by Bill Syrios. Read the pitfalls for wives here. What do you think of his advice? What important don’ts are missing in your opinion?

I would suggest you look at both lists, because there may be some crossover. For instance, both lists suggests it is the man who is working and who may need some down time, but in our society this is likely true of both spouses. Plan ways to spend your time together, and plan ways for each spouse to decompress and get some relaxation time alone when needed. In addition, both lists comment on the wife’s appearance, but keeping up one’s appearance can be important to both partners. That being said, I think both lists are useful reminders and focus on what are often the most important complaints of husbands and of wives. What do you think?

1. Don’t invalidate her feelings or patronize her.
2. Don’t intimidate her with your anger, ever.
3. Don’t stop listening even if she has a lot to say.
4. Don’t forget to pamper her or to touch her often in non-sexual ways.
5. Don’t neglect to tell her what you are feeling.
6. Don’t avoid saying, “I’m sorry; please forgive me.”
7. Don’t assume she knows you love her unless you tell her so.
8. Don’t tell her how to “fix it” as if her feelings don’t count.
9. Don’t neglect taking pride in how she makes everything look, especially herself.
10. Don’t come home from work thinking your job is done.
11. Don’t ignore your role as father in the family.
12. Don’t assume sex works for her or means the same to her as it does to you.

Do any of these areas need more of your attention? Are any points missing or wrong in your opinion?

Lori Lowe is the author of First Kiss to Lasting Bliss: Hope & Inspiration for Your Marriage. It tells the inspiring, true stories of couples who used adversity to improve their marriages–from overcoming drug addiction to cancer, infidelity, religious differences, family interference and infertility, among many others. It’s available at Amazon.com and in various e-book formats here.

Photo courtesy of freedigitalphotos.net. Turn Your Relationship Into a Lifelong Love Affair was published by Crossover Press.

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13 responses to “12 marriage pitfalls husbands can fall into

  1. Both lists were pretty much spot on. The only thing I might add to this one is “Don’t forget to assure her that it’s going to be okay.” In tough times she wants to know you will take care of her always, regardless of the circumstances. It helps more if you hold her tight when you say it.

  2. I know that my comment from earlier may have been a little harsh but it was my truth and I’m sure many others. I find it odd that one of the #1 reason marriages end in divorce is infidelity and I’m sure everyone knows which gender does it most. If there should be anything that should be added is DON’T CHEAT!!! It has ruined too many marriages even with the spouses who decide to stay. Relationships are never the same after infidelity.

    • If one gender is cheating the most, then they must be having affairs with others of the same gender. Logic dictates that there is no gender that cheats the most. Cheating is a character trait, not a gender trait. Bad character is represented equally by both genders. For every man having an affair, there is at least one woman in that affair with him and vice versa.

      • Fact: Men are more likely to cheat than men. Women mostly cheat seeking attention. No gender should be excusable, I just feel like a lot of list of quick fixes or articles aren’t stating a rising issue in marriages or relationships for that matter. And the ugly truth is infidelity are tearing our marriages apart.

      • Rain,

        Look, I know the hurt from being betrayed. It was my ex-wife who had the affair. But the point is, when she had her affair, she had it with a man. Almost all affairs are like that, one man, one woman. Which means men and women cheat in even numbers.

        Now you might want to claim that she wasn’t married, or that she may not have known he was married. Those may be true. However, as a Christian, I believe that sex is reserved for the exclusive domain of between a husband and a wife. Therefore, everyone knows if they are married to the person with which they are sleeping.

        Not all may agree with my faith, and I get it. Please consider the wisdom of not engaging in sex until you are married. That way, you know your partner is your and you know that you are not the unwitting partner in his or her affair.

        To me, there is a certain wisdom in God’s law that it seems we too easily dismiss as being antiquated.

        Who wants to be the one to break up another’s family?

        So, unless men are having affairs with other men, women are equal partners in the cheating game. Some may be married, some may know he’s married and some may be fooled.

        That’s the same for men. As a former officer in the military, I know that when hubby deploys, there are a number of wives who will play. It’s not just “What happens on deployment….” it’s also “what happens while he’s away…”

        Perhaps you are hurting from being betrayed. Really, I get that. I don’t mean to diminish or dismiss your pain. I simply ask you to stop blaming men for a problem that is not gender based, but it’s character based.

      • Tony
        You make valid points. I just wish someone would have put infidelity on the list as being a problem that occurs in marriages all the time. I haven’t been wronged in my marriage that I know of and I’m sorry about what your ex did to you. I just have seen affairs tear up some good marriages and families and I just wish, in the world we live in today, that we stop ignoring a huge problem in relationships. Yes the list is outstanding but it’s lacking the fact that infidelity is an issue and both men and women need to be dedicated to their partners mentally, physically and emotionally.

  3. Scott, thanks for that great addition. Rain, I can understand where that experience would make you more than frustrated. Fidelity is so important, much more important than these reminders, which assume that the basic aspects of marriage are already intact. Thanks for your comments.

  4. On a certain level, this list seems dated as with the assigned roles of marriage. Having recently concluded a 14 year marriage that ended due to my wife’s death, traditional roles have long since passed. Although I will never marry again nor do I see much sense in the institution aside from legal arrangements for children, seems to me that both genders would be better off looking at marriage as more of a collaborative effort with shared roles and shared responsibilities. The notion of men always having to insure the wife that she is loved and that all will be ok is non-sense. Sorry, it is.

    After over eight years of being a stay at home parent and supporting the situation/family/marriage by setting aside my own personal interests in order for my wife to advance her career, her income, her personal relationships, and witnessing the realities of female behavior, these sort of lists are on the level of insulting. The “have it all mentality” of some women is but the tip of it as more importantly it is a case of “have it both ways” as being most relevant.

    My wife had it all and had it both ways as well. She had her career, her income, her savings, her children, her marriage, and she also had the single life she enjoyed on the side and when she believed that she could use that single life sex that she enjoyed when she was married and use that sex as a weapon to attempt to provoke me to abandon the marriage and family so she would have grounds to all resources/income/children, she was diagnosed with terminal cancer and died eight months later.

    It seems to me that one list for men and women is in order. A shared list perhaps. Some women have gone to great lengths to not necessarily tear down gender walls but lower them for themselves when it is useful then play the female games that one too many women like to play. Although I am all about men and women maintain the own gender reality, on a certain level, one list is in order for men and women.

    It is a sad fact that such lists even have to be written for people who once upon a time stood before God and community and professed the undying and unending love. It is a sad fact that too often today the one person you sd be able to count on is most often the one who is out spreading their legs at lunch, hiding money, and setting you up to wrong. Perhaps at the top of this list it sd say, Be nice, karma is a bitch, treat your spouse poorly and karma may serve you in a way that will not make you happy.

    • Point taken. Maybe one list would be more accurate. I hear a lot of pain from your story, and I wish you peace and healing.

  5. Tony, you are correct that affairs are not just a male problem, and that infidelity and poor character are found in both genders. Men and women need to both be aware of and protect themselves from temptations to be unfaithful.

  6. Reblogged this on Exploring Life Through Marriage and commented:
    My wife agrees these are very important.

  7. Great list BUT I would definitely add, “Don’t ever stop courting her”. Women love being courted. After being married for 9 years I almost got divorced because I start taking my wife for granted and stopped dating/courting her. After I finally fixed my marriage, I now make a solid effort to date my wife on a weekly basis. We have date night every Saturday and this one commitment has made our marriage extra strong.

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