Monthly Archives: June 2010

Oh No, I Married an Extrovert!

Posted on June 30, 2010 | 16 Comments

It’s extremely common for a married couple to be comprised of one outgoing/extroverted person and another who is more introverted. My marriage is no exception, with me being the introverted one (as most writers are), and my hubby on the far extreme of extroverted.

I didn’t expect this to cause much conflict when I got married, but in fact this difference affects how you each wish to plan your days, your weekends, your vacations—pretty  much your lives. That means, while I would love to be reading alone or taking a solitary walk to recharge my batteries, I host large or small groups of people in our home on a regular basis, because that’s what recharges my husband’s batteries. To be honest, I generally enjoy these gatherings and love our friends, but they require much more energy from me than for him. (I also have higher housekeeping standards, but that’s another post entirely.)

What defines an introvert or extrovert anyway? Introverts refuel their energy by spending time alone, while extroverts become fired up and energized when they are socializing with others. One can exhibit different personality traits depending on the situation. For instance, you may be introverted in a group of strangers, but extroverted at home with friends and family. Introverts generally have a longer attention span, are more private and less aggressive. Not all introverts are shy; they just don’t enjoy or thrive on social situations as extroverts do.

I’m fairly social for an introvert (partly because of who I married), but I can’t change my brain’s biology. Introverts and extroverts have different brain wiring then extroverts. Brain scans have shown that introverts have more blood flow to their brains than extroverts. In addition, they showed different pathways for the blood flow in the brain, with introverts showing a longer and more complicated path when involving internal experiences (i.e. problem solving). Extroverts’ brain scans showed their blood flow was shorter, less complicated and traveled to different areas. Clearly, introverts respond to internal stimulation, while extroverts respond to external stimuli.1

So, with the understanding that we can’t change one another, how can we best manage the disparity? It’s best to respect your differences, and negotiate or compromise when you disagree on events or schedules.  My very spontaneous, social husband understands that he should check with me before inviting people over, because sometimes I’m just not up for it. And I understand that being social is part of who he is, so I encourage and make room in my life for that. We help balance one another. However, during the first five or more years of marriage, we were still figuring this out and wondering why the other person didn’t want to do what we did.

In most of the interviews I’ve done with happily married couples, one person has been introverted while the other is extroverted. They also had to learn to adjust to these differences over time through trial and error. Maybe one person leaves church or a party early, so the other can linger and talk. Or, one spouse takes more frequent outings with friends and allows his or her partner some time at home to rejuvenate. Resist the urge to separate your lives too much; we need to be involved in one another’s interests and friends—to be attentive, caring and interested. Read Pour Love on Your Spouse.

I’m glad I married someone different from me, because it stretches me out of my comfort zone. Maybe I even cause my partner to become more reflective at times. I think we are more interesting and better people as a result of our balancing act.

I’m curious… whether are engaged, dating or married, do you and your partner have different social tendencies? If so, how you have learned to negotiate that landscape? If they are the same, does it make you more compatible?

 

1 Source: Marti Olsen Laney, Psy.D., The Introvert Advantage (New York: Workman Publishers)

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Posted in Relationships, Communication, Marriage, Family, Marriage Research

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Beware of Financial Infidelity

Posted on June 28, 2010 | 5 Comments

This morning on the Today Show, financial experts reviewed research on how money is the number-one cause of marital fights, and said the more couples fight about money, the more likely they are to become divorced.

We talked about this research here in February. The gist of it is that the more debt you have, the higher your marital stress level, while increased assets seem to bring security. Couples who used a budget had fewer arguments and higher marital satisfaction.

An interesting concept the Today contributors brought up that I had been thinking about is financial infidelity. That means one or both people are sneaking around about how they spend or save money. Secrets lead to fights, and fights lead to big marriage problems. It’s critical for couples to put all their financial debts, challenges and struggles out in the open so they can be negotiated and managed. Plans for improving finances will be more effective when honesty is displayed.

In the financial stability area, I feel extremely blessed. I can’t recall a single fight about money in our almost-15-year marriage. However, we have unusually similar financial priorities, goals and tendencies. For instance, we both tend to be savers, not spenders. And we like to spend money on the same sorts of things. My hubby tends to be a bit of a spendthrift about some things, which we may occasionally tease him about. But the bottom line is that I know his cautiousness about spending is a way to protect the family for the future.

So, we drive our cars longer than most people I know, and we delay on some unnecessary expenses, but we sleep better at night. We are probably also unusual in that we keep separate checking accounts (although both our names are listed on the accounts, and we both have full access if we needed it). This wouldn’t work for some couples, but it works well for us. Our savings accounts are combined.

Our philosophy has always been to spend less than we earn, substantially less when possible. That may seem obvious to most of you. (I sure hope so.) However, many couples are still thinking they can spend more this year and make it up next year. This generally leads to taking out loans or credit card debt, leading to increased fees and higher debt, more stress, and more arguments.

The experts suggest:

  1. Weekly meetings about your finances where you each provide updates, concerns and progress on your financial plans. You’ll need to discuss and negotiate your financial goals and plans. If you can’t have these meetings without fighting, you may need professional help (financial counselor, accountant, etc.)
  2. If you have credit card debt, focus on paying off the card with the highest interest rate first. Put all your extra money toward paying that one off, while you pay only the minimums on other cards. Then move to the card with the next highest interest rate.
  3. Use automatic payment plans to set up the payments you agree upon.
  4. If you argue about money more than 1-2 times a month, and you feel those arguments are harming your marriage, consider seeing a marriage counselor. Your upbringing and tendencies from your family of origin affect the way you view and use money. Money is viewed as power in a marriage. If you allow these issues to fester, and particularly if financial infidelity creeps in, your marriage is at risk. Divorce is more expensive than a marriage counselor, so get help before it becomes too difficult to repair.
  5. Consider selling assets or downsizing if your lifestyle has become too stressful to maintain. Even if you can afford a higher lifestyle, no one says you must upgrade. One couple I know chooses to use their excess for charitable giving. This decision has given them much greater peace and satisfaction in their marriage than they receive from spending.
  6. When possible, each spouse should have some flexibility in spending so they don’t begin to view their spouse as a “parent” who must approve every expenditure.

Also, read Money Help: Becoming a Financial Free Couple.

Has money been the cause of arguments in your relationship? Have you learned how to better manage these issues without fights?

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Posted in Communication, Divorce, Family, Marriage, Marriage Research, Relationships

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Putting Kids First in Families Harms Children

Posted on June 25, 2010 | 11 Comments

Making time for the marriage when you have children is a constant battle for many parents. It is for me. Whether you have kids or plan to in the future, the following may help guide you. A new book suggests putting the kids first not only harms the marriage, it also harms the children. And putting the marriage first not only benefits the marriage relationship, it also benefits the children.

“To raise healthy kids, simply put your marriage first and your children second,” says David Code, author of To “Raise Happy Kids, Put Your Marriage First” in a Boston Globe interview.  (Read the full interview here.) Code adds that many individuals escape from their marital problems by focusing on the children. “The truth is, we often find it easier to be with our kids than our partners,” said Code. “This seems child-friendly, but we don’t realize we’re using our kids as an escape from our spouses.”

A minister and family coach, Code found couples coming to him to save their marriages when they were already on their way to divorce court. Others wanted him to fix their children, but he saw it was the household that needed repair.

The biggest myth of parenting, says Code, is that the more attention we give our kids, the better they’ll turn out.  He says we’re killing ourselves to create perfect childhoods for our kids. “Where are the results? Studies show today’s parents spend more time with their kids, and yet…they seem more troubled, entitled and needy.”

How does this slide happen? Children’s needs seem more urgent and constant than the marriage, which is important but not urgent. Little by little, parents pull away from the marriage to focus on their needs. The damage is done slowly, often without even realizing it. “Not only do we lose our marriages, we set a poor example for our children’s future marriages, and we also create highly anxious households where our kids soak up that anxiety and then act out,” said Code.

Code suggests overparenting can lead to anxious children who are over-praised, over-protected, and under-developed on skills of teamwork and cooperation. They’re less happy, and they’re less successful. Kids need to learn how to self-soothe, how to deal with setbacks, and how to be resilient. These skills train us for adult life.

He advises that parents need to make decisions about activities and priorities, saying, “Kids are too young to drink, vote, or drive, and they’re definitely too young to make decisions that will affect the rest of their lives.”

Couples need to address their problems directly, understanding there is no such thing as a conflict-free marriage. In addition to placing too much focus on the children, issue avoidance can also come in the form of working long hours, being involved in too many children’s activities, focusing on electronic devices (from TVs to iphones), and making up “excellent reasons why we never have sex anymore,” explains Code.

Code doesn’t see the issue as the spouse’s needs outweigh the child’s. Rather, he sees that prioritizing the marriage benefits the whole family in the long run, even when it’s not clear in the short-run.

Even small changes can benefit the family, he says, including making time as a couple to talk about your day’s highlights and lowlights, taking regular walks together, and making weekly appointments for sex. “I’m not about going from chaos to perfection,” Code says, adding a five perfect improvement can pay huge dividends. “Over a lifetime, that five percent improvement could make the difference between your child graduating from college, getting divorced, or raising a child with mental illness.”

Far from being a perfect parent, Code says his research has changed his parenting, saved his marriage, and made his children more self-reliant. If you missed it, read Who Gets More of Your Attention–Your Children or Your Spouse?

I think his points are on target. I’ve talked to a few people who admit their marriages failed because they became fully devoted to their children at the expense of their spouse and marriage. Kids are so loveable, so easy to forgive, and so willing to take all your time and adoration. Their futures seem so full of promise that we believe if we only do all the right things, they will be successful. Instead, helicopter parenting (hovering) stifles the realization of their potential. We need to create limits (bed times, time to be with just our spouse) and allow them to develop independence while reuniting with the person we married.

What are some ways you can achieve a five percent improvement by shifting attention from your kids or other activities to your marriage?

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For a Happier Marriage, Date Your Spouse

Posted on June 23, 2010 | 7 Comments

With the stress of daily life, work and family responsibilities weighing on you, Lindsey Rietzsch, author of How to Date Your Spouse, suggests changing your lifestyle will make your marriage more fulfilled.

Thinking back to before you married your spouse, there was a period of courtship. Each of you presented your best selves, groomed and dressed as attractively as you could muster. Chances are, you each listened more intently, tried to be funny, and in general were enjoyable to be around. Rietzsch says keeping these behaviors going is how you date your spouse. She breaks it down to seven factors:

  1. “E” for Effort—Arranging a special date night or focusing your attention fully on your partner shows effort. So does making sure the car is tidy, your legs are shaved, and you look your best.
  2. Earn Interest—Ask interesting questions; listen as if you are hearing your spouse for the first time. Look at things from his/her perspective. Appreciate your partner for who they are now. Be interested in your partner’s hobbies, job or interests.
  3. Ignite the Romance—Think about activities for your dates that allow you to be physically close, such as dancing, ice skating, swimming, taking a walk or getting a massage. A woman needs to be romanced and made to feel special. Hold hands, compliment your partner, and make time for intimacy.
  4. Dress to Impress—Make sure you smell good and look good, especially when you go out on dates. Maintain a healthy exercise regimen to give you self-confidence and energy. Wear something attractive to bed.
  5. Build Mystery—Plan some large or small surprises to keep your spouse wondering what’s next. Also, give yourself alone time, time for hobbies or friends, so you are rejuvenated and building interests.
  6. Fuel Excitement—Plan some new and exciting activities together to keep things from getting mundane. Take a trip, go kayaking, sailing, hot air ballooning or something that gets your adrenaline pumping. Even an amusement park or game of football can trigger youthful feelings.
  7. Flirt—Touch your partner throughout the day, say or text sexy things. Praise your spouse publicly and privately.

Rather than making date night a once a month or once a week ordeal, make dating your spouse a lifestyle decision.

What do you find most challenging about maintaining a dating lifestyle, versus getting caught up in the busyness of life and its challenges? For me, it’s making my marriage a priority and carving out regular time to invest in it.

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Is Divorce Contagious? Researchers: Yes.

Posted on June 21, 2010 | 17 Comments

Divorce is contagious among social networks, directly affecting friends and family member’s likelihood to also divorce. In addition, the breakup can lead to other divorces at least two degrees of separation from the initial couple who split. Researchers say behaviors like divorce can spread as viruses do.

CNN reports the findings from James H. Fowler, a professor of political science at the University of California, San Diego. Fowler worked with other researchers at Harvard and Brown Universities. They studied 5,000 people. Fowler says the first couple’s divorce impacts other people’s decision to divorce, “and can even sway your friend’s friend.”

Have you noticed some divorces among groups are announced in fairly quick succession? The obvious example that comes to mind among those who discuss marriage is the Gore family. One of their daughters divorced about a year ago. As everyone knows, Al and Tipper have announced their split as well after 40 years of marriage. Their eldest daughter even more recently announced her plans to divorce after 13 years and three children.

Their decisions to divorce are private, but the research says those with a divorced sibling have a 22 percent increased chance to get divorced than those who don’t have divorced siblings.

While those stats sound rather high, friends who divorce have an even higher impact. “People who had a divorced friend were 147 percent more likely to be divorced than those whose friends’ marriages were intact,” says the study. Even your workplace has a strong impact on your marriage status. If your coworker divorces, your odds of divorce go up 55 percent compared to those who work with non-divorced workers.

Some people become carriers without getting divorced, say the researchers, just by relaying information to their friends and family. The listener may warm up the idea of divorce, says Fowler, or consider the benefits of divorce.

Some marriage therapists have anecdotally agreed that their clients have been influenced by divorced friends. When divorce permeates a social group, group norms can change. In addition, poor relationship skills can be imitated by others. I’m sure we are all aware that ineffective relationship skills can be transferred from one generation to another.

What does this research mean to us? First, we should be cautious about the one-sided information we hear about divorce from those in our social network. You may be hearing the rosy side of divorce, but know there is a dark side others may not show. For instance, I’ve seen the loneliness, financial ruin, heartbroken children and hurt spouses left behind in divorce. But if you run into those same people at the grocery store, they might tell you about how they go out on Friday nights because of their new freedom.

Also, remember that our culture supports the idea of divorce and makes it very easy. It also suggests a what’s-in-it-for-me attitude about marriage. There’s a misconception that if you just change partners, your relationship problems will disappear. You have to decide if you will have a counter-cultural marriage that lives in love and remains committed, even during difficult times.

A recent blog post at Journey to Surrender caught my attention, reminding readers who are trying to get their spouses to change that you can’t push on a rope. “Some things only work in one direction. Pushing a rope only ends in frustration and you might just wind up with a tangled mess. Pulling it, however, will cause the entire rope to move smoothly in the directly you want. It can be tempting at times to push your spouse toward their appropriate roles and actions in your marriage.” Scott’s tips:

  • Speak into that which you want to see rise up, rather than complaining about what you see as missing or wrong. 
  • Use appreciation and gratitude for every small step in the right direction.
  • Ask yourself if there is anything you might be doing that is pushing your spouse and possibly causing an undesirable counter-reaction
  • Look for unmet needs in your spouse. Most men need to feel respected, admired, trusted and desired to be “pulled” toward their position of loving leadership. For a woman, things like affection, attention/time, genuine concern and romantic engagement will draw her toward more fully offering her submission.

Have you noticed divorces that have affected friends and family or occurred in groups?  Do you think this research is on target?

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Posted in Communication, Divorce, Family, Love, Marriage, Marriage Research, Relationships

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Happy Father’s Day!

Posted on June 19, 2010 | 1 Comment

To all the dads out there, enjoy your father’s day weekend and your family’s appreciation for all that you bring to your family. Wives and mothers will agree with me that being a loving father also earns you respect from your children’s mother. A marriage is enhanced when both parents are actively involved in their children’s care. Your dedication and care to your children change the world for this generation, and your legacy carries into future generations.

So often media belittles the contribution of dads, or makes them out to be incompetent buffoons. On the contrary, fathers deserve the respect they desire. All kids need their dads to be involved and active fathers. I’m lucky my father has always been present for me, and I’m equally fortunate that my kids have a world-class father whom they can always count on.

If you have ever been a dad or ever had a dad (or even if you’ve ever known a terrific dad), join me in giving thanks to all the great dads out there!

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How to Practice Being a Better Partner—5 Tips

Posted on June 18, 2010 | 3 Comments

“There is nothing worth doing that doesn’t require practice, and having a good marriage is one of them,” says Harriet Lerner, PhD, bestselling author and marriage expert. “One can practice choosing happiness over the need to be right or always win an argument. One can practice playfulness, generosity, and openness. One can practice calming things down and warming them up even when the other person is being a big jerk.”

Dr. Lerner’s advice is spot on. We have the power to control our response, even when our partner is acting badly—especially when our partner is acting badly. That doesn’t mean we allow ourselves to be mistreated, but we can choose to practice behaviors that bless our marriage rather than curse it.

Consider the effort you put forth to improve in your career or hobbies, or in your parenting (where we all fail every once in a while). Yet, we expect our marriages to continue humming along without much effort at improving our skills or attitudes. I know I need some fine-tuning on a regular basis, particularly on choosing to remain positive despite the normal obstacles in life.

In her essay in Creating a Marriage You’ll Love, Dr. Lerner adds to the above advice, saying you may get tired of doing more of the work in your marriage, but since you can’t control your mate, it’s up to you if you want to see improvements in your relationship. “And if you want a recipe for divorce, just wait for the other person to change first.”

Here are some concrete pointers she advises you to practice:

1.  Practice pure listening—with an open heart and with your full attention, and without becoming defensive.

2.  Stay self-focused. This means you aren’t focused on “fixing” your spouse, but rather you are open to how you can contribute to a better life together. You can change without blaming yourself or your partner.

3.  Bite your tongue. You don’t have to share everything that bothers you every minute of the day. Use timing and tact to communicate important matters.

4.  Apologize, even if you’re not fully to blame. “I’m sorry for my part of the problem,” may be a good way to move forward.

5.  Use positive feedback, praise, and compliments very liberally. Remember Dr. Gottman’s 5:1 ratio of positive to negative comments.

Start today by focusing on just one behavior on this list that you think could help you the most. Once you have incorporated that, add another. When you respond angrily or start to act nit-picky, just start again (and apologize if necessary). Practice makes perfect.

Which of these areas is hardest for you to implement? Do you find yourself wishing you could change one thing about your spouse, or focused on trying to change yourself?

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Survey Results

Posted on June 17, 2010 | 2 Comments

Thanks again for taking my survey and offering input on what content to include here at Marriage Gems. We have a great diversity of readers–in geography, in age, and in marriage status or length of marriage.  Respondents come from every area of the United States, as well as Canada, Australia and the Philippines. Sixty-one percent of you are aged 30 to 50; 21% are between 20 and 30; and 16% are older than 50. The rest are younger than 20.

I was surprised at the number of single or engaged readers we have–more than 16%. Your future spouses are lucky you care enough about the topic to become more informed. Most respondents have been married one to twenty years. Almost 15% have been married 21 to 30 years, and 5% have been married more than 30 years. So there is some real wisdom and life experience in this group!

I appreciate your suggestions for topics. The most popular topics include marriage skills education and tips (finance, communication, listening, forgiveness, etc.). In the skills area, several people requested more topics on keeping the passion and romance alive. The next most popular topic requested was stories and examples from successful couples interviewed. Nearly tying were requests for research-based marriage tips, marriage advice from the experts, and personal insights from yours truly. About 8% requested more marriage research and trends along with marriage book reviews.

As for frequency, 61% prefer twice a week, while 39% prefer three or five times a week. I will plan to maintain 2-3 posts per week, generally on Monday/Wednesday and Fridays.

I will keep all these preferences in mind in my planning, and again I appreciate your time in responding. As always, feel free to email me through the contact page, or post a comment on any post. I read and respond personally to each request. Also, keep in mind that there is a search on the home page so you can access content on topics of interest.

Finally, please consider sharing the blog or a post you like with friends you feel could benefit.  I wish you all marital bliss!

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Father’s Day, Anniversary Gifts for Men & What to AVOID Giving Your Husband

Posted on June 15, 2010 | 48 Comments

I recently wrote about gift ideas and what to never buy your wife, and was asked to also include some guidelines on gifts for men in time for father’s day. I’m happy to oblige, with the caveat that you must first know your spouse, their preferences and dislikes. Thoughful gifts that fit their personality are more appreciated than generic gifts. So, if a shirt and tie have become your mainstay father’s day, birthday or anniversary gift, give it some more thought.

My own husband has never liked receiving gifts. He finds it much easier to give than to receive. He’s also very tricky to buy for, since he usually heavily researches any purchase. However, we’ve both gotten better about this over the years, and I asked for his input on stuff guys generally like. So, here goes:

  • If your man has ever wanted to race a car, fly a helicopter or plane, go up in a hot air balloon, go parasailing, or take golf lessons, this would make a unique experiential gift. You don’t have to break the bank; we recently found a Groupon offer for $75 for one helicopter lesson.
  • Most guys like electronics. Is there a new gadget he has had his eye on? If he’s a book lover, maybe the Kindle or iPad would be appreciated. A few years ago, I gave my hubby an ipod that was engraved with “You rock my world.” He liked it better than all the watches and shirts I’ve given him over the years.
  • Does your husband have a hobby for which he needs accessories (i.e. bicycling, photography, motorcycling, fishing, boating, woodworking)?
  • The gift of time to do something he enjoys without guilt. Write out a certificate that says a free weekend with the guys, fishing trip to Canada or whatever honks his horn.
  • Search the antique shops for something that would make him smile–a picture of a car he drove in an earlier era, a magazine from the year he graduated from high school or his birth year.
  • Give tickets to a sporting or musical event or a play–maybe even season tickets.
  • Have portraits taken for him, or compile some of his favorite pictures or videos together.
  • Plan an evening or weekend away with you with nothing required on his part. This time together can help you reconnect and rekindle your romance. Speaking of romance, I recently learned about a board game called A Private Affair, which would make an interesting gift. It’s sold as “an erotic game of secrets, plans and promises for couples.” While I haven’t seen the game in person, I’m thinking most men would prefer that to a tie. ****When I told the game’s creator I would share this with you, he offered to give one away!! So, anyone who posts a comment to this post will be entered into a drawing to win the game.
  • Beer, cheese, wine or fruit of the month club–or other gourmet food he enjoys.
  • My dad and husband have always enjoyed tools, but this should be reserved for DIYers who enjoy that kind of thing.
  • Fly in a friend or relative with whom he would love to have a visit.
  • A limited edition book or rare album.
  • Read this great article on charitable gift ideas for dad.

I asked my hubby what gifts men receive that should be avoided. So BE WARNED:

  • Anything to do with personal grooming, such as a nose trimming kit. So, in case that was on your list, cross it off. ;-)
  • Massage gift card–Many men might love this, but this is where you need to know your man. My guy hates them.
  • Dance lessons or anything you want to do, but you’re pretending is a gift to him.
  • Supplies for him to complete a project you want him to do. Again, it’s a gift for him, not you.
  • Do you really have to be the one to buy socks, underwear and belts for him?

P.S. I’m writing this addition after Father’s Day since I didn’t want to ruin  my husband’s surprise. I had a home video made for him to some of his favorite songs, with tons of pictures from our kids’ baby years, family vacations, holidays and fun moments together. He said it was the “best father’s day gift ever.” I collected all the images, and hired a family member who is great at that kind of thing. It’s something we will both treasure for many years.

I’d love to hear your ideas of great gifts or not-so-good ones. Guys, what is the FAVORITE gift you have received, and what do you wish you would not receive again? Do you like getting car wash cards, gift cards or other “generic” gifts, or does it seem too impersonal?

Comments are now closed for the drawing of A Private Affair. It will be awarded shortly.

Photo credit: PhotoXpress.com

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Preserving the Spark in Your Marriage: Longevity Takes Work

Posted on June 14, 2010 | Leave a comment

Thanks to Sarah Davis for today’s Guest Post:

Nobody thinks of divorce when they first get married.  In the beginning, you’re consumed by the need to be with the one you love, high on the excitement of getting to know their dreams and desires, basking in the contagious glow that clings to new lovers.  The last thing on your mind is what could go wrong beyond the altar to land you, years later, in divorce court. 

But as most marriage counselors could tell you, the divorce rate in this country is as high as 36% for some demographics (those age 20-24 when married).  That means you could be looking at only a 1 in 3 chance of success in your marriage.  And in case you didn’t know, marriage is hard work.  As the first flush of love begins to fade and you settle into life with another person, a change begins to take place.  Suddenly, you notice little flaws that you somehow overlooked during dating, like the fact that he leaves his dishes within inches of the dishwasher without putting them in, or the fact that she feels the need to tell you every little detail of her day, including every…single…item she purchased at the grocery store.  You get busy with work, kids, and running a household, you start to take the other person for granted, and before you know it, you haven’t even kissed each other, much less made love, in six months.  Whoa!  Hold the phone!  This is not the way you envisioned your marriage progressing!  Luckily, realizing you have a problem is the first step to solving it.  Next, you’ll need to follow a few simple guidelines to keep the spark alive and make your marriage a success.

  1. Communicate – this is the key to any successful relationship, from acquaintance to co-worker, and your marriage is no exception.  There is almost no problem that cannot be solved if both parties are willing to listen with a kind ear.  This means you not only have to pay attention to your partner’s thoughts and feelings, you also have to show a little understanding and compassion.  When you come to your partner with complaints, try to be concise about what the problem is.  If you’re upset that they don’t spend enough time with you, don’t trash the Xbox.  Tell them that you miss the intimacy you shared early in the relationship and suggest activities that the two of you could do together (that you would both enjoy – it doesn’t work if you try to make him sit through chick flicks…that’s what your girlfriends are for).  Being coy or playing games will only serve to frustrate you both, so say what you mean and engage in give and take.  It’s the best way to ensure that you both remain happy and fulfilled.
  2. Institute a date night – whether you’re proud parents or devoted to your careers, it’s important to set aside some time to focus on each other.  Make a solid commitment to do this at least once a week!  Between hectic schedules and good old exhaustion, it can be hard to find time to love your partner the way you should (and I don’t just mean sex).  People seek out partners for a number of reasons, but ultimately, we all want a companion and a lover that we can trust and grow old with.  And when you agree to share your lives, you should actually plan on spending some time sharing.  Plus, if you do things together, like seeing movies or concerts, visiting a museum, or even trying a new restaurant, you will automatically have something new to talk about.  Let’s face it, we’ve all had those days where we told our spouse the same bit of news two or three times in a row without even realizing it.   It’s easy to get bored, so make sure you have something to fuel your need for variety.  Another good way to do this is to take a class together.  You can try that new zumba class at the gym, learn to play golf, or take photography or painting at your local community college.  Anything is better than collapsing on the couch in front of Leno every night of the week.
  3. Show your love – a peck on the cheek when you’re both late for work can be unavoidable, but don’t make it a habit.  Make time for at least one passionate kiss each day!  It will make both of you feel good and may lead to more.  Touching is also nice, be it running your hands through your partner’s hair or giving a foot rub.  We all need to be touched and your spouse should be the main source.  And don’t forget to say, “I love you.”  It’s easy to be offhand once you get in the habit of saying it, but try to remember why you love them and let them know the reasons.  And one thing every couple should try is gazing into each other’s eyes.  It sounds cheesy, but it can be very revealing of the state of your relationship.  Discomfort can signal a problem whereas bursting into giggles probably means you’re doing okay.  And if there’s trouble in the bedroom (as in, nothing is happening), there are about a zillion ways to spice up your love life, from toys to outfits to videos, so maybe try some out.  At the very least, turn off the TV for awhile and see what happens.  Or read each other a romance novel.  Or schedule in a sponge bath.  You could even try renting a hotel room for a change of scenery.  Whatever it takes to spark the romance, don’t hesitate to try it (as long as both parties are comfortable with it).

If nothing seems to be working, you can always turn to therapy for help or even try a re-commitment ceremony with your own vows to remind you why you got married in the first place.  It does take work to keep a marriage going, but it gets easier with practice.  Keeping the spark alive means paying attention to each other and taking an active interest, from simple conversations to your most intimate moments.  There are plenty of people who will try to sell you on gimmicks and quick fixes to get your marriage back on track, but communication and a commitment to work on your relationship is a better recipe for a lifetime of love and devotion.

Sarah Davis is a content writer for DiscountVouchers.org, where you can find Dell Discount Vouchers. When she is not writing, she spends time with her husband and attends college at California Lutheran University where she is enrolled in the Marriage and Family Therapy program.

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