Thank you to generous blogger Stacy Geisinger for inviting me the opportunity to post the article Are You Seeking Pleasure, Happiness or Joy? at her blog, StacyKnows. There’s a big difference between fleeting pleasure and lasting joy. What are you seeking?
In Do You Have a Low Body Image? we talked about why women seem to struggle with our bodies while men confidently walk half naked on the beach. We also discussed why a low body image negatively affects your marriage and sex life. As promised, following are 6 tips gleaned from Dr. Patricia Love’s Hot Monogamy and my own experience for improving a low body image:
1. If you’re careless about your appearance—wear mostly sweats and a ponytail, baggy pjs to bed and don’t take the time to get your haircut and groom yourself, you may be communicating to your spouse and yourself that you aren’t worthy of the effort to look good. Make the most of what you’ve got; wear clothes that accentuate your positive attributes and make you feel good about yourself. Invest in a nice haircut. Get a massage if it makes you feel good.
2. If you’re obsessive about your appearance and spend hours each week at the tanning salon, hair salon and making sure your hair and makeup are perfect, it’s time to pull away from that focus on your appearance. What do your friends like about you? What does your spouse appreciate and enjoy about you? Focus on those attributes and spend your energy elsewhere. Spend energy on activities you enjoy.
3. Make fitness and healthy a part of your daily life. I feel better about my body when I’m exercising a few times a week. It may not change my body that much, but it shapes my frame of mind that I’m strong and capable, and I think we project that positive energy to others. Taking the time to plan and implement a fairly healthy diet for yourself and your family also shows you and they are worthwhile.
4. If your spouse has a lower-than-ideal body image, there are ways you can help. First, don’t point out your spouse’s faults, even if you think they need to lose weight or get in shape. Criticism about their body will only make them feel worse and probably won’t lead to any positive change. Instead, send out a continual message of acceptance. Support a healthy lifestyle yourself, and invite your spouse to participate with you. Compliment your partner on physical attributes you find attractive, and regularly share other characteristics you enjoy about him or her.
5. Visualize Body Acceptance. For many women, a healthy body image is not a matter of their appearance at all, it’s a matter of their perception of their appearance. Dr. Love has a long script in her book that includes language you repeat to yourself allowing you to become comfortable with your body and appreciative of its function and beauty just as it is. She also suggests viewing your body in the mirror while thinking positive thoughts about it. “This is my body. I love my body.” Repeating these exercises replaces some of the negative self-talk you may have been feeding yourself. I’ve heard women casually say, “Well, I’m a fat cow, so…” If you heard these comments from someone else, you would call them hurtful. They are still hurtful coming from you. Replace negative thoughts with positive ones like “I”m getting stronger.”
6. Don’t compare your body to others. Instead, think of all the things your body can do—dance, swim, jog, give birth, nurse children, walk through the woods, lie on the beach. Think of how much joy it gives your spouse. Think of all the older people who would trade places with your healthy body in a heartbeat. Listen to your husband when he compliments you. Repeat the compliment in your head, smile, and say thank you. See Loving a Woman’s Body for insight into how your man views you. Some husbands expressed their frustration at not being able to convey to their wives that they love their shape.
The key is loving your body the way it is right now, not after you lose 10 pounds and fit into your skinny jeans. Not after you’ve had plastic surgery to correct your “flaws.” Today. Just as you are.
For your homework assignment, write “I love my body” on a sticky note for your bathroom mirror. Compliment yourself while you get ready in the morning. Carry yourself with poise and exude confidence.
Posted in Communication, Family, Love, Marriage, Marriage Research, Personal Growth, Relationships, Uncategorized
Tagged appearance, better body image and better sex, better marriage, better six, cultural influenes on a woman’s body, Hot Monogamy, improve love life, improve marriage, improving body image, Marriage, Marriage Research, sex research, tips for better marriage
Have you seen Victoria’s Secret’s new campaign, “I love my body?” Too bad it’s far from reality, as few women would make that statement.It shouldn’t be a surprise that both men and women had strong opinions after reading Loving a Woman’s Body, which addressed how we women should view our bodies more positively, as our husbands do. But that is tough work, because women as a group tend to dislike our bodies, or at least have some “body image issues.” Men, on the other hand, generally do not have the same struggles.
When both men and women take the Sexual Style Survey in Hot Monogamy, author Dr. Patricia Love says she can almost always pick the husband’s or wife’s survey just by glancing at who has the high body image (the man) and who has the low body image (the woman). This is not due to the fact that men have fitter bodies, mind you, they just don’t seem to obsess about their flaws like we do. Dr. Love adds that unfortunately it’s young women, particularly in their teens, who have the lowest body image of all. So, if you are fretting about your body, your daughter or niece may be learning from your example.
Of course culture tends to contribute to our attitudes. We see “perfectly shaped” women in media promoting every product known to man—on TV, in magazines, in stores, on billboards, on sidewalk signs. Basically, you can’t miss them. I think these images affect women more than men. Many men appreciate the variety of female bodies and only wish their wives could see themselves through their husband’s eyes. Women may look at the airbrushed pictures and only see what they are not. There is no cellulite in the magazines, but more than 90% of women have it in the real world. We are taught to aim for abs and buns of steel, not to celebrate the natural curves (or lack of curves) we were given.
“One of the hazards of trying to measure up to our cultural standards of beauty, especially feminine beauty, is that they change from decade to decade,” says Dr. Love, citing the Twiggy trend, then the trend toward prepubescent bodies with large breasts (an anomaly achieved through harsh dieting and implants), and the popular “waif” look common in girls with eating disorders. It’s more than a bit sad that these are cultural ideals. My petite body doesn’t compare with the tall, leggy models. The funny thing is when we look at our friends and relatives—even those with similar shapes—we think they look just fine and even beautiful. But our negative self-talk says just the opposite inside our own heads.
According to research I recently read and shared with you, pornography can be another contributor to low body image. Some men were basically raised on porn, and it negatively shaped how they view real women. And for wives whose husbands regularly view porn, research shows this tends to lower the wife’s own body image, feeling that she is being compared with porn stars in her husband’s mind. Tony DiLorenzo of One Extraordinary Marriage describes in a podcast how he had previously (negatively) compared the images in his head to his wife’s body. He had to reshape his thinking and now views his wife as his ideal.
One way this body image issue plays out in the bedroom is in women covering up instead of celebrating their bodies and allowing their husbands to experience the pleasure of seeing them naked. If he is not allowed to look at your body, do you want him looking at another woman? It can also cause women to be inhibited in the clothing they wear or in their enjoyment of sex. Do you worry that your husband will touch or see the part of your body that you feel least comfortable about? If so, it takes your attention away from enjoying one another.
“When a woman is unhappy with her body for any reason—she thinks she’s too fat, too thin, too “hippy,” too short-legged, too thick-waisted, too busty, or too flat—it can have a deadening effect on her sexuality,” says Dr. Love, who points out a study that shows a very strong correlation between body image and sexual desire. Women who feel badly about their bodies “not only were less interested in making love, but were more restricted in their range of sexual activities and had more difficulty becoming aroused and reaching orgasm.” Some women even feel so badly about their bodies that they feel unworthy of their husband’s love and affection.
While healthy living and fitness is a positive goal, an obsession with thinness can be self-destructive. What most spouses want in a lover is not the perfect body, but someone who is passionate, confident, intimate, generous and caring—who can be in the moment.
News flast: Did you know men aged 60 have the highest self-esteem, and young adults have the lowest? Married folks also tend to have higher self-esteem.
There’s more to say on this topic and too much for one post, so stay tuned for 6 Tips to Improve Your Body Image. Do you think a low body image has affected your marriage? Do you have the secret to eliminate cellulite? Have you learned to be confident at any shape, any age? Do your compliments to your spouse fall on deaf ears?
Photo credit: Jaimie Duplass
Today I’ve had the awesome opportunity of posting a guest column for Alisa Bowman at ProjectHappilyEverAfter.com. Alisa is a talented published writer who has shared honestly and openly about her challenging marital journey from desperation to happiness. The post is about keeping that spark alive in the marriage bedroom–now, who couldn’t use a little more pizzazz in that area?
Find the Key to a Passionate Sex Life
A common complaint for long-term married couples is boredom in the bedroom. Yes, new love can be titillating, but having only one monogamous partner doesn’t mean your sex life shouldn’t be entirely fulfilling. In fact, allowing one partner to fully know your sexual needs, preferences and wishes can be ultimately much more fulfilling than having multiple partners. In the book Hot Monogamy—which lives up to its promise of offering “essential steps to more passionate, intimate lovemaking”—author Dr. Patricia Love gives some simple-to implement tips.
Boredom outside of the bedroom can be just as deadly. Research shows conflict isn’t the only cause of divorce; boredom can kill a marriage. Being bored reduces closeness and slowly decreases marital satisfaction. Find shared fun activities and new adventures to keep your relationship exciting.
Ask your spouse what one thing she or he would like to improve about your sex life, or take the quiz in Hot Monogamy together to find specific areas of improvement.
Posted in Love, Marriage, Relationships
Tagged better marriage, Better sex, boredom in bedroom, Family, Hot Monogamy, improve marriage, Love, Marriage, Relationships, spark in the bedroom
Your ability to talk honestly and openly is key to having a passionate sex life, says Dr. Patricia Love. The skills can be learned and improved, greatly enhancing your sexual satisfaction. Here’s a new program that can give you a boost in this area.
Jennifer Gill Rosier is a doctoral student at Purdue University (my alma mater) and the author of http://www.jenslovelessons.com/. For her doctoral dissertation, she will be testing the effectiveness of a research-based sexual communication training program that she has developed over the last three years. She is currently looking for participants. Below is a brief explanation of the study. You are invited to participate in this FREE trial sexual communication training program—but both partners need to participate. It’s done confidentially through online surveys.
If you find it difficult to talk about sex with your partner, you’re not alone. In fact, research has shown that many Americans have a difficult time talking to their partners about their sex life. Some people fear being embarrassed or embarrassing their partners, while others are scared of being rejected or ruining their relationships. Still others just don’t know how to start the conversation, so they never try. Let’s be real, talking about sex is a very sensitive topic for most individuals. All of these fears are completely natural and expected.
These fears can partly be caused by the minimal focus our society places on communication about sex with your partner. The discussion of sexual desires is not prevalent in our everyday conversations, which leads to us having fewer examples of competent and incompetent messages to model or avoid. If you have minimal practice discussing your sexual likes and dislikes to a partner, you may feel less confident in your abilities.
Contrary to popular belief, understanding how to communicate about sex is not intuitive knowledge, says Rosier. Instead, being able to discuss sexual desires and issues with a partner is a skill that couples can cultivate through communication skill training.
Research-based communication skill training programs, like the one being offered here at no cost, have been shown to significantly enhance the communication skills of individuals and couples alike. The program being offered here was carefully developed by relationship researchers so that your chances of experiencing improved sexual communication skills at the close of the program are greatly increased.
You can participate in the comfort and privacy of your own home. This trial training program is part of a study being conducted at Purdue University about sexual coaching skills. The purpose of this research is to evaluate a communication training program that aims to improve your sexual coaching skills. The study will also examine whether improvements in these skills increase both your and your partner’s sexual satisfaction and relationship satisfaction. The communication training activities that you will participate in during this study focus on enhancing your ability to talk about sex with your partner but do not ask you to engage in any specific sexual activities.
For more information about this opportunity, including information about how to participate, go to www.SexComTraining.weebly.com and read all about the program.
Last week I shared some detailed research on the Effects of Pornography on Marriage, Family & the Community. But I wanted to take this issue to a more individual, human level. The following is a revealing interview with Stu Gray, a happily married man (you’ll find his relationship posts at The Marry Blogger) who shares his personal experience with casual, then addictive use of porn.
When did you begin using pornography?I fell into pornography when I was a pre-teen/early teenager of maybe 12. I spent junior high and high school sneaking around the house looking at pornography that belonged to my dad – my or friends’ dads. When I went away to college, I began my own collection; by my sophomore year, the Internet had become an easy way to gain access to pornographic images.
I told many girlfriends, “Porn is just a way of life. Get used to it, or don’t be in a relationship with me.” Porn became a “destresser” after a long day—or a companion on a lonely night. I spent a lot of time with porn, at least daily at some points. There were seasons of time when it would be less important or exciting, but I would say on average my viewing was some sort of image once or twice a day.
I threw out all my magazines and videos the year my wife and I were married in 2004, but the computer still proved to be an issue for me. I really felt a change in my behavior happen in the fall of 2008, and porn has not been a huge temptation for me since then.
How did pornography use affect your marriage?Porn affected my marriage in huge ways. It put a roadblock between me and my wife on many occasions. She felt I was always comparing her to an image; she did not understand my desire or need for the extra images or stimulation, believing that she should be my source of sexual desire.
Now, because of our experience with porn, we have learned some very important lessons about our relationship. We discovered that anything that comes between a couple can be a wedge to pry them apart—or an opportunity to grow together—and to stand together and fight it.
My wife doesn’t like the fact that I have had this struggle, but she is my biggest fan. She realizes that we are a team, and we have to fight together against this thing…and not let it come between us. She used to view me thru the lens of pornography, and so did I. But when we moved the porn out from “between” us and put it “in front” of us, we were better able to battle it together. Not that we would wish any type of problem on any relationship, but this has been a blessing in our life – allowing us to learn a very important principle about being “one” as a husband and wife.
Did you find it addictive?I didn’t believe porn was addictive until I decided I wanted to stop. Then I realized that I really had a problem. I used porn to medicate hurts, to relieve stress, to disconnect from real life. Many of those things are the exact same reasons people turn to alcohol, drugs, gambling, over-eating—any of the “addictions” we normally think of in our society.
Did it make you feel less attached to your wife?Absolutely. If my wife is to be the person I share our sexual intimacy with…and I am off by myself in “porn land” getting some sort of false intimacy from someone who is not my wife…guess what? It changes the way I interact with her. I don’t have to be kind to her. I don’t really have to pay her attention. I tended to get upset easier, because I felt she wasn’t meeting my every sexual need (something I believed porn did). I had fewer reasons to be kind because my sexual need was being met, often, by myself. Communication would become difficult—or harsh—much more easily.
There seemed to always be a cloud in our relationship. It was made up of lying about porn, and hiding it. That also took its toll on our marriage, spending so much effort on cleaning up behind myself online to hide where I had been. It became a hassle. And, it catches up with you. To think that your decisions and choices won’t catch up to you is stupid. There always comes a time when you are caught, and have to face the music (and in my faith – that time to face the music may not be during my life here on earth). It wasn’t on the scale of Tiger, Jesse James, Mark Sanford, Bill Clinton, or Dave Letterman, but it didn’t have to be to still be hurtful and negatively impact my marriage.
How do you think your pornography use affected your wife?I believe it impacted her more than I know. Negatively – it destroyed trust and safety in our marriage. It put her confidence in me on the line. If I was being shifty in this area, was I being shifty in other areas as well? It made me hard to deal with, selfish and child-like.
On the positive side though, I have to give her credit. She, through much prayer and counsel, came to the realization of it being “us vs. porn.” If she had not had that epiphany and decided to come alongside me in this battle, and pray with me and for me, to encourage me, to help me stay accountable to people and remember my true desires (to be the best man I can be), I don’t know where we would be today.
How/why did you stop?There were several times that I wanted to stop, and tried to stop. I had many reasons to stop…yet, the reasons were outside of myself. I would think, “I have to stop because people will think I have an addiction,” or “I have to stop because I might hurt someone,” or “’I have to stop because I don’t want my son to have a problem.” When I realized that I, first, wanted to be a better man, a man of better character, because I wanted to be better for me, then for my wife and son, for other relationships, that’s when the change really began for me.
One of the first decisions I made that led to change was my decision to give my life over to God as an adult. I had always thought of myself as a “Christian” because I went to a Christian school and didn’t drink and do drugs. I was a pretty OK guy in my mind. But I realized that my life wasn’t really OK—that I was a broken dude, and needed someone more than just myself to really bring about change.
Here are some practical ways that have helped me:
I ditched every piece of porn I owned. Trashed it in a big green dumpster. That was very first step. There were several more, but this was a physical act breaking away from the habit that I wanted to stop. I want to be a better man. To be a real man of character. Still broken, but trying to live out my life humbly – realizing that I couldn’t do it all on my own. When I really began feeling freedom from porn in 2008, that was the exact same time that my personal computer blew up. Literally—it just stopped working. I had to go to the public library to do any type of work. So, every day for a month, I was at the library in the computer lounge surrounded by people. It was a real reason to not surf porn. I was in public. When I finally got the new computer, the temptation was much less, because I was used to new habits.
I made the decision that I wanted to be better for me.
I changed up my habits.
I tried several groups…Sexaholics Anonymous was like dipping my toe in the water of “recovery” for me. I didn’t connect there for whatever reason, but did find another great Christian-based group called Samson Society. These are guys who are looking for real life and real relationships. It’s not a “sex addicts” group by any means. It’s a “Hey I’m messed up, he’s messed up, lets be in each others life so when we feel like messing up again, we can encourage one another to not be stupid” group. (Several Recovery Groups)
I meet with one guy whom I share everything with. I tried to have my wife be that person for a while…and that was too much for her. As much as she supports me and loves me, it still hurt for her to hear when I had messed up, or wanted to mess up. So, this guy and I share our lives with one another. We call one another and check in. It really helps.
I filter my computer use. In the past, I have limited the time on the computer, the places I could visit…and I still do this. There are several great programs you can use to help steer in a better direction. (Several Filters for Computer)
Thanks to Stu for sharing his candid story. We wish the very best to him and his lovely wife. How about you, have you struggled with this issue? Or does your spouse have differing views related to pornography?
Coming soon…Upcoming posts will provide insight into how married couples can have fulfilling, satisfying intimate lives with some insights from Dr. Patricia Love.
Posted in Communication, Divorce, Family, Love, Marriage, Marriage Research, Relationships, Uncategorized
Tagged better marriage, effects of pornography on marriage and families, families, Family, improve marriage, Love, Marriage, porn, pornography, pornography in marriage, prevent divorce, Relationships, sexual problems
Pornography is thought to be the most sought-after content on the web. Is the use of pornography a harmless, titillating tool for individuals and couples, or does it have deleterious effects on a relationship? More than a matter of opinion, the issue has been studied at length—with very conclusive results. Researcher Patrick Fagan, PhD, a psychologist and former Deputy Assistant Health and Human Services Secretary, calls pornography a “quiet family killer” and says it is time for citizens to buck the laissez-faire approach to porn. His key findings:
Read the full report in The Effects of Pornography on Individuals, Marriage, Family and Community by Patrick F. Fagan, PhD. It was co-published by the Family Research Council in Washington D.C. and the Marriage and Religion Institute (MARRI).
You may be surprised to read the detailed findings in this research report. I found it fascinating to know such documentation exists. To supplement the research, I wanted to hear from a married person who has used pornography to find out if it was as harmful as Dr. Fagan suggests. So, Monday I will post a candid Q&A from Stu Gray at The Marry Blogger. The interview offers some very personal insight as the effects pornography had on his marriage. You’ll want to check back to hear his story.
What do you think about these research findings? Agree/disagree?
Posted in Divorce, Family, Love, Marriage, Marriage Research, Relationships, Uncategorized
Tagged better marriage, effects of pornography on marriage and families, families, Family, improve marriage, Love, Marriage, porn, pornography, pornography in marriage, prevent divorce, Relationships, sexual problems
Holidays seem to bring out the best and worst in families. With Easter a few days away, many families are busy planning dinners, coloring eggs, or stewing about having to visit the in-laws. Because we were all raised in different environments, a perfect holiday vision for one person is often not in the same ballpark as another. If conflict or disappointment makes a regular appearance in your marriage during holidays, it may be time to reevaluate your plans.
For instance, when I grew up, holidays meant time for extended family to gather for large, formal meals and church services. My husband’s family celebrated with only immediate family and plenty of lounging. Not surprisingly, early in our marriage during holidays, he often wanted to relax at home with our immediate family, while I wanted to travel to be with extended family. We’ve learned to compromise.
Once children enter the picture, couples often create a “perfect vision” for their child’s holidays. Sometimes one spouse thinks that means showering the children with extravagant gifts, covering your home in pastel colors, and cooking an elaborate feast. The other spouse may prefer to spend the day on the golf course and eat out. Maybe for one of you religious observations are very important, but not for the other.
The key to finding any harmony is to communicate your preferences to one another, along with why you would like to see a change. Once each person has the opportunity to put all their ideas on the table, consider how you might incorporate some of the most important elements of each of your perfect holidays. You may even decide to trade off on which holiday person’s ideal traditions will take precedence each year.
Whether or not you have children, you are a family, and should create traditions of your own. You may be surprised about how much fun you have when you allow yourselves to be open to new possibilities.
How do you spend your holidays as a family? Do you feel conflicted with your traditions, or have you found a happy compromise?
