Monthly Archives: April 2010

How to Keep a Marriage Strong in the Face of Infertility

Posted on April 28, 2010 | 8 Comments

Thanks to the inspirational Stephanie Baffone for providing today’s insight and for sharing her heart and experience with infertility to help other marriages…

First I’d like to offer a warm thank-you to Lori for the opportunity to share some advice for couples dealing with infertility.  National Infertility Awareness Week is April 26-May 1, and Lori was gracious enough to extend an invitation to me to guest post on how couples effected by infertility can keep their marriages strong in the face of the emotional turmoil.  Thank you, Lori!

“You are both identical twins?! Wow! How many children do you guys have?” Expecting a staggering number, my husband’s and my response forlornly, has remained the same for 19 years. 

“None.” 

We anticipated categorically, our foray into parenthood would be a breeze. Not only are we both identical twins, we hail from Irish, Italian, Catholic prolific families.  My husband is one of 10, and I am one of five, my mother having had two sets of twins.  Yet our pursuit to hear our own children call us “Mommy” and “Daddy” was more tornado-like.  We didn’t see infertility coming, and the emotional carnage it left in its wake was catastrophic. With reckless regard for our feelings, it left my identity, in particular, desperate to conceive, birth and raise our own biological children, strewn, scattered and beyond recognition, with the only real feasible option to rebuild from the ground up. 

Infertility wreaks psychological havoc on both the men and women caught in its stranglehold. We live in a society where much of our adult identities center on being parents.  When parenthood doesn’t happen easily or at all, men and women individually experience a core sense of loss. Worse though, infertility leaves marriages vulnerable and some don’t always escape unscathed.

My identity as a woman was shattered, but thank God, my marriage was not.   For us, the experience strengthened our commitment. As a therapist who is intimately familiar with infertility personally and professionally, I see many couples who are trying to keep their marriages whole in the face of profound brokenness.

What is the ultimate prize?
I asked my husband recently, how he thinks couples can safeguard their marriages from falling victim to the fallout of infertility.  His tender response made my heart melt. “Steph,” he said, “couples have to get married because they love each other, not because they want to have a family.  Having children should be considered a bonus not the decisive prize.” He elaborated, “I married you because I love you. Independent of children, a couple’s life has to be full, because if creating a family doesn’t work out, you have to be enough for each other.”

His sentiment reminds me that marriages have to be strong from the start so in the face of despair, you can provide shelter for each other. So how do you do this?

Secret to a Happy Marriage
A few months ago, I wrote a guest post at Engaged Marriage titled, “So What’s the Secret to a Happy Marriage? In it I referenced a study that concluded the factor that has the most predictive value in determining whether or not a marriage would be successful is how a couple resolves conflict. 

Infertility can be riddled with discord. Couples don’t always agree to what extent they each are willing to go to achieve parenthood.  For us, luckily we agreed on our limits, but for other couples this isn’t always the case.

Another common issue is men and women grieve differently. Men are often (but by no means always) task grievers.  Women by and large are more emotive.  It is important for couples to understand that neither way of grieving is better than the other; they are simply different.  I often find in my practice when the couple gains a better understanding of the differences, they don’t feel so lonely and misunderstood.  

Likewise, couples going through infertility who find they are struggling with a sense of disconnect from each other, would be wise to seek professional help.  More often than not, couples dealing with infertility benefit from learning a few basic, simple techniques to help them communicate their needs and feelings more effectively.

So, how can couples experiencing infertility ride out the storm while limiting injury to their marriage?

  • Consider children a bonus not the ultimate prize
  • Be proactive and seek professional help at the fist sign of disconnect
  • Learn to communicate effectively
  • Understand that women and men grieve differently

Resources

There is a proliferation of useful information at our fingertips nowadays thanks to the Internet, but some of my most trusted resources still include timeless books like: Fighting For Your Marriage, His Needs, Her Needs,  When Men Grieve, and Grieving Beyond Gender. 

Couples can and do escape irreparable damage from infertility by being proactive. Reach out for help in creating your marriage’s roadmap to survival.  Infertility is hard enough on us as individuals; don’t let your marriage fall victim.

Stephanie also wrote a post about how to reach out to friends who have infertility. 

Stephanie “Aunt Steph” Baffone, LPCMH, NCC is a licensed, board certified mental health therapist and writer whose guiding principle is if you have wisdom from which others might benefit you are obligated to pass it on.  She is in private practice and specializes in grief and loss, couples counseling and issues related to infertility. By relation, 39 nieces and nephews call Stephanie “Aunt Steph” a role in which she takes pure delight. She writes a bi-monthly column at Savvy Auntie and blogs about love, loss and life at Stephanie’s Stories. The consummate, Italian hostess, she loves to have visitors, so stop by and say, “Hello!”  You can also find her on Twitter at @Sbaffone or email her at sbaffone@me.com.

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Is Your Cell Phone Impeding Your Relationship?

Posted on April 27, 2010 | 9 Comments

I enjoy my iphone as much as the next person, but I’m troubled by survey results that suggest many people value their phones as much as their closest relationships. Are you addicted to your smartphone? Here are two interesting stats:

  • Ringcentral.com surveyed 400 smartphone users who said their smartphone was as important in their lives as having an intimate relationship (both at 40 percent).
  • Retrevo.com reports that 7 percent of respondents in their survey admitted to checking their phones during sex. I find this number astounding. If you are one of those 7 percent, it’s time to put some distance between you and your smartphone.

Mature adults are throwing up their hands and complaining the younger generation lacks an understanding of intimacy, because technology rules their lives. Do you agree, or do you think technology can be used all day without impeding one’s relationships?

My view is that while technology is quite valuable and entertaining, we must have limits. For example, if you are taking your spouse out for a romantic dinner, it is just as rude to text or take phone calls as it would be in a job interview (with the possible exception of the babysitter calling). If you’re taking a walk together or cuddling on the couch, don’t interrupt that important time with your phone. If you’re on the beach with your family, turn your phone off and enjoy the moment. Text your friend later. Check your email in the morning. And just so we are clear, it is never, ever OK to check your phone during sex. It communicates a lack of interest and boredom.

Remember the phone has an off button. Use it now and then, and see what you’re missing. Read about achieving True Connectivity.

Has your partner ever used their phone at an inappropriate time? What was the result?  Do you ever feel the phone impedes your relationship? Or, is your phone such an important part of your life that you can’t imagine going without it for even part of a day?

Survey results reported by Tim Altom in this week’s Indianapolis Business Journal.

BloggingBistro.com just shared a new study released by the University of Maryland concludes that most college students are functionally unable to be without their media links to the world for even one day. Read the results of the study.

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Why do Men’s and Women’s Brains Treat Sex Differently?

Posted on April 26, 2010 | 2 Comments

I’ve previously shared research showing that most women have a far lower sex drive than do most men. It helps to understand why men’s and women’s brains have a different makeup so that men don’t take sexual rejection as a personal affront or believe their wives don’t find them attractive. Wouldn’t you also like to know how men’s brains change as they age? Read on.

CNN published an article last month called “Love, Sex and the Male Brain” by Dr. Louann Brizendine, a psychiatrist and neurologist and author of The Female Brain and The Male Brain. I’ll just provide some of the highlights, but read the full article if you want to learn more. Her main point is that men’s and women’s brain functioning and makeup are indeed different. While we can adapt to change, we also need to accept and respect these very real differences.

  • Dr. Brizendine says the biggest differences between the male and female brain is that men have a sexual pursuit area that is 2 1/2 times larger than the same area of the female brain. (Add to this the fact that many women are on hormones that reduce their sexual drive, and the divide becomes greater.)
  • Male teens produce more than 20 times the amount of testosterone than they did before puberty. Dr. Brizendine gives a useful analogy: If testosterone were beer, a 9-year-old boy would be getting the equivalent of 1 cup per day. A 15-year old boy receives two gallons a day, making it nearly impossible for him to stop thinking about sex. She says this increase in testosterone also causes men to have visual brain circuits that are on the lookout for fertile mates.
  • The female brain, meanwhile, is “driven to seek security and reliability in a potential mate before she has sex.”
  • The male brain can fall in love just as hard and fast as the female brain. When he meets “the one,” mating with her becomes his prime directive.
  • A pregnant woman causes her mate’s pheromones to drop by 30 percent, making him more likely to help with baby care. As he handles and cares for that baby, his brain continues to align with his new role.
  • Surprisingly, men have stronger emotional reactions than women. They are just better at hiding the emotion and seeking ways to bury it.
  • As men age, they enter andropause, when testosterone levels drop and estrogen levels increase. For some men with abnormally large drops in testosterone, they can become tired, irritable or depressed—a.k.a. grumpy old men. Some use hormone replacement therapy or find relief in exercise, more frequent sex or socialization.
  • The cuddly, patient grandpa type of man is benefiting from an increase in oxytocin—making him fall more in love with this grandchildren than perhaps he was with his own children.
  • The mature man’s brain is particularly susceptible to loneliness. With 60 percent of divorces over age 50 initiated by women, older men can be devastated by divorce. Dr. Brizendine says it’s important for a newly single older man to have social activity, or the social-approval circuits do not get activated.

Do you believe men and women think and feel differently? Have emotional differences or differences in sexual interest caused conflict in your relationship?

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Is There a Case for Settling in Marriage?

Posted on April 23, 2010 | 7 Comments

Single women say finding a man with 80% of what they want would be “settling,” but single men say finding a woman with 80% of what they seek would be “a catch.” I’ve heard these statements before, but author Lori Gottlieb backed them up with a scientific survey. Her controversial book, Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough is not really about settling at all. It’s about women needing to have more realistic expectations of Mr. Right.

Gottlieb was a woman with ultra-high standards. She thought women should have it all and shouldn’t settle for anything less; compromise was not a part of her vocabulary. She had many prospects in her 20s and 30s, but none was good enough. Then, she found herself single and 40, the mother of a donor-conceived baby, when she realized she would have made very different choices about marriage and family if she had know what truly would make her happy. She realized the loneliness she felt was not assuaged with a child. “It was different and perhaps even compounded. It’s both single-person loneliness and the loneliness of not sharing the little moments of my son’s life with someone who cares about him as profoundly as I do.”

She realizes she hadn’t been picky about the important stuff, but rather about the trivial stuff that doesn’t matter a decade or two into marriage “when you’re more concerned about child care and contented companionship than you are about height or hairlines.”

For those of us who are married, Gottlieb seems to make a lot of sense. But when you see her interviewed on national TV, they always pair her with a young professional woman who still believes there is one perfect man out there who will make her every dream come true, or with a woman who believes a marital partner is not necessary to make a woman happy. They get hung up on the word “settle” and feel doing so would be compromising their integrity. Gottlieb has been called “an affront to the entire woman’s movement.” She’s been called desperate, but she says she is only wiser. She has a better picture of who Mr. Right is, and his name is Mr. Good Enough.

I don’t know about you, but I’m not as perfect a wife as I thought I’d be, and my dear husband has one or two flaws as well. If we looked for perfection, we wouldn’t find it. I agreed with the wife in a Washington Post article about Gottlieb’s book who said “if I had made a list of what I wanted in a husband, I would not have had the wisdom, creativity and self-awareness to create a husband as wonderfully quirky and perfect for me as my husband is.”

Still, one can argue that a woman should know what she wants in a husband. I’ve known several women who have listed out their priorities and found great men to match them. The key is to know what your deal breakers are, and to know that they are not superficial. Physical attributes can’t be counted on. Job status is not permanent. However, certain character traits, common values and goals, and similarities in faith may be important to your long-term happiness.

Gottlieb says that recognizing both she and a potential Mr. Good Enough have less-than-ideal qualities is not settling—it’s maturity. It’s the kind of maturity that admits companionship and compatibility are as important as passion. “Nothing about good enough implies that you haven’t found a true love—or in fact, a much deeper kind of love.”

If you’re married, did you have a list of must-haves before you wed? If so, were they met? Do you think women are too picky in dating? Or do you think women shouldn’t feel pressure to “settle” in such an important relationship?

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Posted in Family, Love, Marriage, Marriage Research, Relationships, Uncategorized

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Can Women Breadwinners Have It All?

Posted on April 22, 2010 | 1 Comment

Last month, I published Who’s Marrying for Money? with new research on women’s increasing role as the breadwinner of their household. If that is your situation, MSNBC just published a short video with tips for couples in which wives earn more. The video aired April 12 on the Today Show. Here’s the description: Money has always factored into love and marriage, but what happens when a woman makes more than her romantic partner? Marie Claire magazine’s Joanna Coles and two women who bring home the bacon, Debra Michals and Karen Karbo, discuss how they make it work.

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Don’t Expect Your Spouse to Meet All Your Needs

Posted on April 20, 2010 | 4 Comments

How many close friends do you confide in? Half of Americans have just one person with whom they discuss important matters. For many married people, that person is their partner. In recent decades, the number of people we truly connect with and count on has dwindled. The problem is that one person—even your “soul-mate”—can’t be expected to meet all your needs.

In a Times of London article titled “How to Stay Married,” correspondent Stephanie Coontz argues that a strong network of friends is the best way to keep a marriage strong. She says that it is only in modern times have we expected so much from the marital relationship and so little from everyone else. This article was a reminder to me to rekindle some of my friendships, not just for my own benefit, but as a possible benefit to my marriage. Just because I consider my husband my best friend doesn’t mean he wants to go purse shopping with me or discuss hair styles. (I’ve asked my poor hubby to do both. He declined.)

Common advice tells couples not to let other relationships interfere with time together with our spouse. We are urged to “deepen” and “strengthen” our bonds. “But trying to be everything to one another is part of the problem, not part of the solution, to the tensions of modern marriage,” says Coontz.

She explains that until the middle of the 19th century, the word “love” was more often used to describe feelings for friends and neighbors than for spouses. Both women and men often had extremely strong bonds with friends and family members. It was during the postwar “Golden Age of Marriage,” when spouses began to expect their partner to meet more of their needs, Coontz says. However, she says housewives soon found “they could not find complete fulfillment in domesticity” while men also felt diminished in their less social roles.

In the modern era, we often see “happily ever after” as living in marital bliss and perfect harmony while meeting one another’s emotional and physical needs. Perhaps we are expecting a little too much from each other?

In addition, we are likely neglecting other relationships. Modern married couples are less likely to visit, call or offer support to their parents and siblings than are single individuals, according to a U.S. study from 1992 to 2004. When our children are young, we may spend time with other young families. However, with the exception of that time period married, people are less likely to socialize with friends and neighbors. This isolation can be unhealthy to the couple, and it also doesn’t allow us to reach out and help our neighbors when they need us.

Women and men today often have careers and hobbies, so why are we so weak at having multiple strong relationships? Coontz explains that “our speeded-up global economy has made balance harder and harder to attain, leading us to seek ever more meaning and satisfaction in love and marriage.” Sadly, that makes sense to me. We’re so busy rushing around seeking accomplishment that “obtain a great marriage” becomes yet something else on our to-do list.

I was relieved that Coontz does not recommend we try to lower our expectations of intimacy and friendship within marriage. Instead, she suggests we raise our expectations of other relationships and invest in those relationships. “The happiest couples are those who have interests, confidants and support networks extending beyond the twosome,” she says.

Stephanie Coontz is the author of Marriage, a History: How Love Conquered Marriage. She is also the director of research at the Council on Contemporary Families.

How much do you rely on your spouse for friendship, problem solving and socialization? How strong are your relationships with friends, coworkers, neighbors and family members?

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How Would You React in a Crisis?

Posted on April 18, 2010 | 5 Comments

I’ve been thinking about this NYT article for months called “Those Aren’t Fighting Words, Dear” by Laura Munson. It’s the story of a man in a midlife crisis who comes home and tells his wife he doesn’t love her anymore. That’s not so unusual, but her reaction is. They had two kids, a happy marriage and 15 years of history together. They had traveled, dreamed, and moved to a 20-acre plot of land to enjoy solitude. While she felt hurt and upset, she was steady. Her response to him was, “I’m not buying it.” When he told her he wanted to move out and get a divorce, she stood her ground and didn’t get angry. How many of us could respond so calmly, so rationally?  

She understood his career crisis, that he was feeling lost and needed to have time to work through his emotions.  She asked, “What can we do to give you the distance you need, without hurting the family?” Of course, her husband was dumbfounded at her response, but it changed their future. Read the full story. It wasn’t easy, but he did take the time he needed, and they did eventually reconcile. She says the real lesson is not even that she saved her marriage, but about her philosophy of taking care of herself in a crisis.

Not surprisingly, publishers were clamoring for Munson to immediately write a book about her experience, which she did. The book This Is Not the Story You Think It Is has received great reviews, despite being written nearly in real time, as the events were unfolding. Munson has been hailed a hero by marriage advocates. She is being interviewed by every network and every magazine. Here’s a video explaining her philosophy.

Do I think she is worthy of this attention? Yes. Why? There will be times in our marriages when one of us will act inappropriately, maybe crazily, probably wrongly. (Read the post Outlast Your Marriage’s Stupid Phase.) It only takes one person to put on the brakes, to see the crisis for what it may be—an opportunity. Shed light on the situation. Allow time and space to permeate the heated discussions. Get help if you need it. Think about what the other person truly needs. Don’t take their words at face value. Don’t always take hurtful comments as they are intended.

As an example, I have many friends with teenagers who are experienced at hearing them say, “I hate you, Mom.” Do the moms believe them? No, they do not. Do they continue loving them? Yes, they do. And time passes, wounds are healed. Life goes on. The teens never hated their mothers. They hated the situation in which they felt trapped, or the rules that were imposed on them.

Munson did say her patience had limits. She wouldn’t wait forever for her husband to work through his problems. She wasn’t allowing him to cheat or abuse her. All she provided was time and distance, support, a lack of anger or demands, and a steadiness that was needed. Eventually, while staying with his ill sister, it struck him that relationships were the most important part of his life.

Whether it’s in a crisis situation, or just on a day when your spouse just had a bad day at work and reacted poorly, your reaction could indeed dictate your future. How will you respond?

What do you think of Munson’s story? Have you read the book? What does her reaction say to you?

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5 Things I Learned From My Failed Marriage

Posted on April 16, 2010 | 5 Comments

This is a guest post from Julie Sibert, a passionate speaker and writer on intimacy in marriage at Intimacy in Marriage. Thanks to Julie for providing these lessons, which help turn a past failure into a way to help others.

Julie says: I learned a lot more than five things from my failed marriage, but the items below have to do with discussions about sex in marriage, so I’ll stick to that topic. Here goes:

5. Hormones do matter. Libido (a Latin word meaning desire), aka “sex drive,” is governed greatly by hormones. I was on the birth control pill for a good portion of my first marriage, and had NO IDEA that it was negatively impacting my sex drive hormonally. (In layman’s terms, the pill essentially tells your body to not ovulate. The message “I want to have sex” often does not get through because if you’re not ovulating, your body instead is saying, “What’s the point?”) Now, I’m not telling you to ditch the pill; but I am encouraging you to talk with your doctor. This goes for any medications and prescriptions you and/or your husband are taking. Don’t be afraid to ask the question, “How could this medication impact my sex drive?” Additionally, if either you or your husband experiences low sex drive, consider testing for low testosterone. Both men and women have testosterone (men just have it at a much higher rate). Low testosterone obviously can impact your desire to have sex.

4. Offering my body was not optional. God’s Word in 1 Corinthians 7:3-5 clearly and lovingly shows that the marital commitment includes the pledge that husbands and wives will not withhold their bodies from each other. In my first marriage, I think I conveniently overlooked this, much to the detriment of our relationship. Some women ask me, “Is it ever okay to say ‘no’ to sex?” Well, sure it is, because marriage should be a place of mutual respect and kindness. But I believe “no” should be the rare exception, communicated with compassion and a tone that conveys, “not right now…but later.”

3. “Someday” never really comes. I wasn’t oblivious to our lack of sexual intimacy; I was just consistently telling myself, “We will figure this out someday.” Well, the elusive someday never really materializes on its own. Had I intentionally walked in the direction of “someday,” we likely would have overcome many of our sexual struggles.

2. Communication is what makes sex great. Honestly, my first husband and I had horrible communication about our sexual intimacy. It wan’t his fault alone and it wasn’t mine…it was a shared problem that we never really shared. It’s humbling to admit that now…to look back and see that had we made the effort to talk…really talk… not only about our struggles sexually but also about our needs and wants… sex likely wouldn’t have been such a neglected aspect in our relationship.

And the number 1 thing I learned from my failed marriage…

1. Isolating never solves anything. I knew sex was a big issue for us, but I didn’t seek out resources that could have helped me individually and us together as a couple. And let me tell you…there are a lot of Christian resources out there. If you feel alone in any of your sexual intimacy struggles or questions, staying isolated in that painful and confusing place is not going to solve anything. Consider some of the resources I have listed here. You could also ask your trusted Christian friends if they know of resources.

After my first marriage fell apart, I vowed that if the Lord were to ever bless me with marriage again, I was not going to take sexual intimacy for granted. I’m happy to report that I have never regretted that decision. Neither has my current husband. Be blessed!

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What Have You Done For Your Marriage Today?

Posted on April 15, 2010 | 11 Comments

The Catholic Church is running public service messages and billboards in different parts of the country asking, “What have you done for your marriage today?” The campaign is aimed at encouraging people to make small investments of time and love in their marriage. Last post, we discussed how it’s so easy to give children all of our time and attention in “Who Gets More of Your Attention—Your Spouse or Your Children?”

Today, we’re looking for solutions and ways to show we care. I’m providing a couple of options—one for the busy slackers like me who often feel overwhelmed with just one additional task, and two other levels for those who want to go the extra mile. For example, one man said after reading about how many women view their bodies, he would post a note on his wife’s mirror saying, “My husband loves my body.” That’s the extra mile.

Try to focus on your spouses’ love language. I’d love for you to contribute your own ideas to these suggestions.

Show Appreciation

Level 1: Before going to sleep, thank your spouse for something he or she regularly does for you or the family. For some people, words of affirmation mean a great deal. You can even send a text or email if that is how you regularly communicate.

Level 2: Buy a card and add a note of appreciation. Leave it under his pillow.

Level 3: Write a note expressing a sincere appreciation for your spouse’s contributions and support. Mail it to work her at work or home.

Give a Gift

Level 1: Pick up a book, movie or other item your honey would enjoy. For those whose love language is gifts, this will make them feel loved. Wrap it lovingly.

Level 2: Add some fun: Plan a scavenger hunt with clues around the house from one point to another until they find the gift. Or fill balloons with cute notes that have hints.

Level 3: Buy something nice for your spouse he wouldn’t buy on his own. Present it at a special time like on a lunch date out.

Show Care

Level 1: Stock up on her favorite beverage and offer one when she is working or relaxing.

Level 2: Prepare his coffee or tea each morning as a sign of care and love.

Level 3: Clean or organize an area of the home that has been driving your spouse crazy (a closet, area of the garage, basement, etc.)

Involve the Senses

Level 1: Bring home some lovely, fragrant flowers or a scented candle or lotion. Or have them delivered to home or work.

Level 2: Bring home her FAVORITE flowers or perfume or his favorite lotion or cologne.

Level 3: Plant some pretty flowers in the yard to enjoy for months and surprise him/her.

Involve Touch

Level 1: Give frequent hugs, back scratches or loving pats/touches during the day.

Level 2: Give a foot or shoulder rub at the end of the day.

Level 2: Offer a full-body massage at your spouse’s chosen time.

Make Plans

Level 1: Hire a sitter if needed and plan a night out. Play his/her favorite song while you are out or request that it be played. (Music is emotionally bonding even when you are having some conflict.)

Level 2: Do something unusual or new like seeing a live concert or show, or participating in a new activity. (This creates excitement and closeness.)

Level 3: Plan a weekend or vacation away with just the two of you.

Commune with Nature

Level 1: Take a leisurely stroll in a nearby park or garden.

Level 2: Visit a state park together for a hike.

Level 3: Plan a surprise picnic with delicious food near uplifting natural surroundings.

Or, ignore all of these ideas and just come up with one small thing you will do today to show love—make her favorite dinner or his favorite dessert. Take care of one extra errand he had on his list. Buy some lingerie he would enjoy. Draw her a bubble bath and play her favorite tunes. Whatever makes your sweetie smile and lets them know you have been thinking of them. I think one small thing each day or week is better than a bigger act of kindness every few months. Don’t complain when your spouse doesn’t immediately reciprocate. You are doing this as an act of love, not so you can get something in return. In general, couples who are doted on do begin to think more about expressing their love in return. Some couples even find they are competitive with which spouse can come up with spontaneous or creative ways to show their love.

What are your easy or fast ideas to express kindness, love, or appreciation to your spouse?

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Who Gets More of Your Attention—Your Children or Your Spouse?

Posted on April 14, 2010 | 8 Comments

I’ve often heard the advice, “The best gift you can give your children is a strong marriage.” While I strongly agree, I don’t often live it out as I should. In fact, I think we often unconsciously reverse the statement and feel that we are giving our spouse the greatest gift by loving their children. This is the hard part, because I think it’s true that loving one’s children is also a gift to our spouses. There’s nothing wrong in loving our children—except when we have nothing left for our spouses. I’ve heard too many marriages fail because the mother refocused all of her attention and energies from the husband she adored to the children to whom she now devotes every waking moment.

It is so easy to get caught up with everything kids need and want that you have little or nothing left at the end of the day for your spouse. (This can be true of childless or empty nesting couples who fill their lives with positive pursuits of work, volunteerism or time with friends.) On an average day, most of us have our jobs, laundry, cooking, shopping, bill paying, and cleaning. If you have school-aged kids like me, you are also shuttling them to and from school and various activities. With the few minutes you have in between these, you will frequently hear requests from the children for more of your time and attention. Mine often ask to read together, sit together, cook together, build something together or play pretend together. Then, of course, there’s the morning routine, the bedtime routine, the mealtime routine. At the end of the day there are lunches to make and laundry to finish.

Meanwhile, your spouse is probably not asking you for your time and attention. Either he is working or trying to help out with the various household activities and is also busy, or he has learned that asking for your attention when you are focused on the kids is a losing proposition, particularly when the children are very young. Perhaps this is why for parents who do not regularly nurture their relationship, there can be a large dip in marital satisfaction after kids arrive.

Don’t get me wrong, I think children are a great blessing—but I also think they will take all the time you give them and still ask for more. Yet, they can still thrive on maybe 90 percent of the energy you give them, allowing you to carve out some time and energy to replenish your own needs and to feed your marriage. We must better manage our time and energy so there is something left for the person we married. This is something I have to regularly remind myself to do.

Todd Sellick wrote a great post at the blog Simple Marriage recently about giving 1 percent  of your week to your spouse. Just 1 percent! (That’s about an hour and a half of together time.) Yet that one percent can make a huge difference. During that 1 percent, you are not using your  smart phone or computer. You are not watching television. You are not talking about work or the kids. You are focused on each other—having a cup of tea, taking a walk or cuddling on the couch. Read about true connectivity. That connection time will help your relationship flourish and will help fill your own love tank. You may even have more to give those around you.

Start thinking about ways you might provide a bit more attention and love toward your spouse this week. Next post, I’ll share some quick and easy ways to do just that.

How much time do you think you spend truly connecting with your spouse in a week? How much time do you spend on childcare activities? What ideas do you have for regularly feeding your marriage’s love tank?

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